The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#974 - TV Signoffs

Channel 17 was the home of the second tier cartoons and road Flyers and Phillies games.

FFJewbacca: When the Friendly Friends were just wee lads, these things appeared at the end of every "broadcast day" on the over-the-air channels in Philly. Yes, wee FF's watched TV until the end of the broadcast day.

Quite honestly, I had completely forgotten about them until today when there was a link to one of the best time wasting websites ever on Fark (which is, oddly enough, also one of the best time wasting websites).

The link in question took me right to J. Allan Wall's TV-signoffs.com and took up most of my afternoon at work. He has a great little Philadelphia section that immediately took me back.

There's something comforting and peaceful about these things. When I was a kid, if I was up late enough to see one of these things, it usually meant that something was wrong. Somehow seeing the signoff made things feel more calm and relaxed. If the TV was going to sleep for the night, then maybe I should too.

FFMatt: Like rotary phones, pagers and even cassette tapes to an extent, my kids have no idea what this is about. Also, one of the links takes you to the sign-off for New Year's eve 1986... my Freshman year of high school. You know I was watching that one, not celebrating with a cute girl at some "rad" party. In fact, I was almost certainly sitting in long johns and a Member's Only jacket on my couch wondering if we'd get heat back in the house anytime soon.

No one can honestly say that a screaming idiot with a British accent selling some sort of oxygenating, ink removing, floor steaming food dehydrator is better than this!!

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly About This Day in History

Invented everything... including your mom.

THE GOOD:
On this date in 1878 Thomas Alva Edison received a patent for his phonograph machine, allowing for the playing of recorded sound.

THE BAD:
On this date in 1977 Fleetwood Mac releases “Rumours,” the single most overrated album of all time.


Seriously guys... sleep more than 13 minutes a day. And stop fucking so much. At this point you can't tell where a beard ends and pubes begin.


THE UGLY:
According to the Sweaty Irishman they celebrated by throwing a full-on, 70’s orgy complete with special guest Lou Ferrigno. He has it on good authority that Lou Ferrigno was involved in 71% of all orgies in the 70’s while Bill Bixby took his place in the other 29%. Of course, that might just be Sweaty's overactive imagination...

Dear god let's hope so.

You know Linsdey is thinking, "Thank god this rash I got from The Hulk has temporarily robbed me of sight... it smells really, really weird right now."

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#975 - Randall "Tex" Cobb



Why include Randall “Tex” Cobb in the list of the Definitive 1000 things?

It’s not enough that he’s awesome?

So you need more?

Well how about his acting roles?

He is the king of all “That Guys.” This is obvious when you peruse his characters’ names:

Sailor, Wolf, Big Guy in Gas Station, Burglar, Gruff Man, Big Hairy Con, Skull.

He has been in more movies and TV shows than I can list here.

Of course, his best role is undoubtedly as Leonard Smalls in “Raising Arizona.” He was a tracker extraordinaire. He displayed uncommon logic telling Nathan Arizona: “You want to find an outlaw, hire an outlaw. You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.” He was bought on the black market for $30,000 and that was 1954 dollars. And of course, he got blowed up good.

How about his record as a boxer? 43-7-1 with 36 wins by KO?

Still not enough?

Then how about this:

Yesterday, at age 54, after careers as a boxer and as an actor, Tex Cobb graduated from college. With honors. From Temple University.

That’s correct. Randall “Tex” Cobb is a graduate of Temple U. And it wasn’t easy:

Cobb has been working at a construction job, then taking SEPTA to Temple's campus. During the most recent SEPTA strike, he walked to class from Southwest Philly.

For those not familiar with the geography of Philly, Temple is in north Philly. This is on a good day an 8 mile walk from one of Philly’s worst neighborhoods into another not so nice one. And he did it after swinging a 12 pound hammer at a construction site.



And for these reasons, Friendly Friends, Randall “Tex” Cobb deserves a spot in the Definitive 1000.

Many thanks to IMDB.com for Mr. Cobb's roles.

New 64 Count Crayola Box Set Colors

1. Britney Blue
2. Obama (previously Tiger Woods)
3. iColor
4. Uncle's Lap (Previously Happy Place)
5. Zebra

We're Going to Need a Bigger Coffin

Holy shit. Roy Schneider, the dream of every kid who had a deadbeat Dad in the 70's (cop AND shark slayer) has passed at 75. What a guy.

I'm stunned. I alway thought I'd meet him in an airport someday.

Known for many roles but most famous for Jaws, Roy was like the average Dad that became a hero. Moral center, father figure, smoker, drinker, shark marksman (sharksman?)... the list goes on. He knows what Richard Dryfuss smells like wet. Only real men survive that to 75.

Roy, we'll miss you.

Is it true that the author of Jaws has also just passed, Peter Benchley? At the same time?

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#976 - Ron Hextall




On the occasion of his enshrinement into the Philadelphia Flyers Hall of Fame (and as I type, a 4-1 drubbing at the hands of the Caps) I hereby also enshrine Mr. Hextall into the Definitive 1000.

I'm not going to attempt to argue his place in hockey history by reciting stats. I'm not a strong numbers guy.

The following random thoughts that occurred to me while watching Hexy getting choked up while making his acceptance speech should be enough. It's our list we'll do as we please...

1. As a young pup Flyers fan who spent two days crying when Pelle Lindbergh died, the feeling of hope that sprung from Hexy's rookie season was enough to restore my faith in the Orange and Black.

2. As a tall, skinny, lanky lad I began my glorious street hockey goaltending career after seeing how Hexy stood on his head to keep the net clear.

3. I dented plenty of Mylec goal posts ringing my Air-Flo goalie stick off of them imitating Hexy's tic positioning trick. I also knocked over the net plenty of times doing this.

4. When I was 14 the Mighty Malagan begged to go to the Flyers' Wives Fight For Lives Carnival for his birthday. I waited in line forever to get my picture taken with Hexy. As luck would have it, the camera started acting up and I got to sit next to my idol for about 10 minutes while they fixed it.

5. He stood up for his teammates...to a fault. Ask Kent Nillson or Chris Chelios about that.

6. He took the Flyers to within a game of the Stanley Cup against the mythically powerful Edmonton Oilers and made a city believe that the Flyers could knock off possibly the greatest NHL team of all time.

And then, of course, there's this:



That was the first of two career goals.

So we may not have a bust to display at Friendly Friends World HQ or a commemorative oil painting to present, but The Friendly Friends proudly induct Ron Hextall into the Definitive 1000.

For much better coverage of this event, please visit the best Philadelphia sports blog out there, The 700 Level. Make sure you scroll through. There is a wealth of Hexy stuff.

UPDATE: Caps 4, Flyers 3. There'll be a lot of discussion about the disallowed goal...

Top Five New Fast Food Chains in Iraq

1. Long John Sniper


2. McFemur’s: Fries, Shakes and Triage


3. Halliburger


4. Abdul Al-Irham Assad’s Steamed Mutton Fun Time Wacky Factory


5. New Country Buffet

District Manger Jones and local labor rep work out flextime

O, Canada...

Dear Canada,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for hosting me and the Mighty Malagan this past weekend. We had a great time.

You introduced me to wonderful new food experiences. I had heard of poutine before and was pretty sure it was a joke. French fries, brown gravy and cheese curds layered in a bowl. I have to say, it was beyond delicious.


This is poutine. Strong stuff. Actually it is very, very tasty.

Another gastronomic delight that I had never partaken of was served on both of my cheeseburgers: real Canadian, or peameal, bacon. This stuff is good. In fact it made up for the two scorched burgers you served me. It also made up for the strange dipping sauce you served me with my wings.



I guess "round ham" is not the same as Canadian bacon...

Somehow even your Canadian musical superstars such as Rush, Barenaked Ladies, Tom Cochrane and even Len, sound better rolling down your highways.



It was also very nice of you to replace the apostrophe in Denny's with a maple leaf, so that we wouldn't forget we were visiting you. In fact, you provided this service with just about every international brand store and restaurant. A wonderful service.



As for the hockey, well that was sublime. The GM Centre in Oshawa is a great place to watch a game. And thanks to Paula and Jerry for discussing Generals hockey with us for two games.




And the Peterborough Memorial Centre is no slouch either. A little small inside but not a bad seat in the house.



Who's the hottie?



The Oshawa Generals lost a tough game on Friday to the Belleville Bulls, who are apparently sponsored by Schlitz. The Generals played a total of 80 good seconds of hockey the entire game. On Saturday night, they bounced back against the Peterborough Petes tying the game with 1.2 seconds left and taking it in the shootout. Did I mention their goalie was a call-up from Jr. A and was playing in his first OHL game? On Sunday the Gens put away the Sarnia Sting. But you were there Canada, I don't need to remind you.



The Belleville Schlitzes??

One thing you should learn from us though, you don't need to blast music at every stoppage of play. Especially not "Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It." Play some nice organ music. Trust me. It would be nice to be able to talk to the person next to you during a stoppage. Don't make our mistake.

And thanks for hosting the Hockey Hall of Fame. It was sure nice to walk around Toronto wearing my Flyers toque. And it was nice to read the plaque below while wearing the same toque.



Oh yeah, and we found this on the other side of Mr. Clarke. Hopefully we'll be seeing it in person again real soon.



Mr. Horton helped us get moving on our 8 hour overnight drive home.



So thank you Canada. We had a blast.

Yours,
Jewbacca



She is wearing a toque. See if you can spot it.

WTF: Advertising Edition

Friendly Friends, if there is one thing that makes me scratch my jewfro and launch into a grand mal rantin' and ravin' session, it's when Madison Avenue uses an inappropriate song for a commercial.

None of these are new by the by. But they stick in my craw something fierce.

First and foremost is the use of this classic:



To advertise a cruise line. A cruise line.

Let that sink in.

This cruise line shows happy families taking advantage of all of the family amenities these floating petri dishes offer. And playing under the shots of the happy family is Mr. Pop's snarling.

So how do the lyrics:
Here comes Johnny Yen again/with the liquor and drugs/and a flesh machine/he's gonna do another strip tease...

(plus the other ones about having it in his ear before, beating his brains with the aforesaid liquor and drugs and of course the torture film)

sell a family cruise line?

Easy! Apparently in the cruise company commercial Johnny Yen just shows up with a Lust for Life. No mention of hypnotizing chickens or his GTO or any controlled substances. Just Johnny and his Lust for Life.

Second on my list is the thankfully abandoned Wrangler campaign that showed just how red and white and blue Wranglers are. Why they're more American than Mom and apple pie.

Know how I know that?

Because a bunch of idiots playing flag football (or fishing, I can't remember) with this song playing in the background told me so:


So when the lyrics proclaim:
Some folks are born made to wave the flag /ooh, they're red, white and blue./ And when the band plays "Hail To The Chief"/oh, they point the cannon at you, Lord/ It ain't me, it ain't me/I ain't no senator's son/It ain't me, it ain't me/ I ain't no fortunate one, no...

how did Wrangler convince us all that they are uber-American and basically the bomb?

Well by cutting off the words after "Some folks are made to wave the flag/ooh the red white and blue" that's how.

Turns a protest song into a rallying cry for patriotic idiots to buy Wranglers right quick, don't it?

I hate this stuff.

It's bad enough to hear classic songs being used to shill for mega-corporations, but at least they could use a more appropriate song. I guess it's easier to just assume that we're all idiots and that we believe that Iggy Freaking Pop was thinking about taking his family on a cruise when he penned his anthem of hard living in the late 70's. And John Fogerty reeeeaaaalllyyy hoped that his protest of the preferential treatment of the well connected during the Vietnam War would sell dungarees.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#977 - Tur-Duc-Hen

Ever since I witnessed John Madden karate chop-carve a tur-duc-hen after a Thanksgiving NFL game several years ago, I have been plotting ways to deliver one to my table for one of the turkey/ham axis holidays.

Problem always was, we didn't host any of those feasts.

This year, the Jewbaccas hosted Christmas (only one of us can rightfully claim the Jewbacca mantle) for Mrs. Jewbacca's family and, well darn it all Friendly Friends if the Jewbaccas didn't bring the Tur-Duc-Hen. And bring it strong.

Before you register your outrage over the spelling of Tur-Duc-Hen, get a load of this:



Was it tasty, you ask? Judge for yourself:



From this...



...to this!

It was delicious and incredibly easy to make. It was as good as the combination of chicken, duck, turkey, spicy cornbread filling and rice sounds.

Friendly Friends, I have the distinct privilege of dubbing the Tur-Duc-Hen a knight of the roundtable of the Definitive 1000.

On the other hand, this mess, provided by The Mighty Malagan for Thanksgiving, isn't allowed anywhere near the D 1000.



This culinary Hindenburg was supposed to be a green bean casserole. It did have green beans. Uncooked. With tomato sauce and about a pound of cheddar cheese. It tasted like burning. Sweaty was there. He hasn't been the same since.