Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#981 - The Argument Over Which Peanut Butter is Better

Friends, we've run into a little bit of a roadblock in our odyssey to name the Definitive 1000 things out there.

We wanted to make Peanut Butter #981 but have run into the age old debate.

Which debate is that?

Is it crunchy vs. smooth?


Is it Peanut Butter on the top slice vs. Peanut Butter on the bottom slice?


Is it on an apple vs. on celery?


The big debate...

The age-old quandary....

Skippy vs. Jif

The Friendly Friends are nothing if not loyal. And this loyalty extends to peanut butter. Who knew?

We break down thusly: Jewbacca and FFMatt are true Jif lovers, while Sweaty swears by Skippy.

This debate has been going on now for days, via email and angry telephone calls.

Here is the tale of the tape for you, broken down into easy to digest (unlike Skippy) categories:

How do you know God hates Jif?

#1 city for the consumption of Jif - New Orleans.

#1 city for the production of Jif - San Francisco

#1 over seas consumers of Jif - Indonesia

#1 overseas producers of Jif - Pompeii

#1 Airline to serve Jif - Value Jet

#1 on the stock market in October 1929 - Jif

#1 College to serve Jif - Marshall

#1 Celebrity endorser of Jif - Britney Spears

#1 TV show with Jif product placement? Full House

#1 word associated with Jif according to a recent poll? Botulism

#1 film with Jif product placement? Birth of a Nation

#1 French lover of Jif - Maximilien Robespierre, who's reign of terror was more about his choice of peanut butter.

#1 Monster supporter of Jif - Nosferatu.

I heart Jif!!!

How Do We Know God Hates Skippy?

#1 Reich for the consumption of Skippy - The Third One

#1 Italian Spokesman for Skippy - Mussolini

#1 US Mountain to Serve Skippy in its Mountaintop Restaurant - Mt. St. Helens

#1 Salesman for Skippy, Midwest Region - Jeffrey Dahmer

#1 Salesman for Skippy, Eastern Region (tie) - Uncle Eddie Savitz and Gary Heidnik

#1 Movie with Skippy Product Placement - Ishtar

#1 TV Show with Skippy Product Placement - Cop Rock

#1 PB served at Columbine High School on 4/20/99 - Skippy

No one said life was fair! The case against Jif:

Is Jif being forced fed to prisoners of war in North Vietnam fair?

Is Jif being used as an at home abortion kit fair?

Is it fair that Jif single handedly brought about racism in America?

Is it fair that Jif was used to train Michael Vick's dogs?

Is it fair that early German U-boats who preyed on innocent passenger vessels in the early 20th century were fueled by Jif and liquid evil, which is almost redundant?

Is it fair that one drop of Jif illegally smuggled into Ireland by the tyrannical British caused the potato famine?

Is it fair that Jif ate through the hull of the USS Indianapolis causing it to sink and aiding in the eating of hundreds of brave sailors by hungry sharks, whom showed no interest in the Jif.

Is it fair that the gaseous build up inside a jar of Jif cause a railroad spike to shoot into and through Finneus Cage's frontal lobe?

Is it fair that the AIDS epidemic can be traced back to one jar of Jif peanut butter?

Is it fair that Jif is responsible for Patrick Swayze?

Is it fair that Barry Bonds has rubbed Jif all over his torso for the past 11 years?

Life certainly was not fair to Mr. Gage. If only he had eaten Skippy instead...

No one said life was fair! The case against Skippy:

Is it fair that in homes with Skippy, children are more likely to have
monsters under their beds?

Is it fair that Skippy caused the death of beloved cartoonist Charles Schultz?

Is it fair that Skippy causes all of the mining disasters around the world?

Is it fair that opening a jar of Skippy causes Gozer to arise and eat
the hearts of the pure?

Is it fair that Skippy consumption caused the Omegas to not admit
Mohammed, Jugdish, Sidney ans Clayton into their fraternity?

Is it fair that Johnny Tremaine's fingers were fused together when a
jar of Skippy spilled on his hand?

Is it fair that the Red Sox are in the World Series because they
slipped Skippy into the Indians' lockerroom?

Is it fair that the Indians are all on reservations due to several
political and religious leaders coming down with brain fever in the
1800's all traced back to a can of Skippy Peanut Butter?

Is it fair that the Flyers lost the Stanley Cup in 1980 because Leon
Stickle had the same brain fever caused by Skippy and missed the
obvious offsides call?

Is it fair that a spilled jar of Skippy disintegrated the maps and
charts aboard the SS Minnow turning a three-hour tour into a three
year odyssey of heartbreak and terror...and inexplicable visits from
the Harlem Globetrotters?

If only Johnny had a choosier mom, none of this would have happened...

Facts*, Historical and Otherwise That Everyone Knows About Jif:

What was found in Al Capone's vault? Jif

How was Archduke Franz Ferdinand assassinated? Jar of Jif to the temple.

Official Hockey Team of Jif? New Jersey Devils

Although an excellent flame retardant, Jif is deemed too dangerous so asbestos is used instead.

The substance oozing it's way to the surface in the Love Canal scandal? Jif.

A NASA jokester slips a jar of Jif onto the Apollo 13 spacecraft. This crucial fact is left out of Ron Howard's hit film due to several injunctions levied upon the movie studio by an underground evil empire which may or may not include Mark Wahlberg, Tupac and Margaret Thatcher.

Japanese code word for the attack on Pearl Harbor? Jif.

In his final days George Washington Carver, in an act of repentance tries but fails to infiltrate the JIF factory and destroy all means of production. He is shot in the back by the founder of Jif. His final words are thought to be..."Vivat Skippy."

JIF originally named Big Top Peanut Butter, and owned by a Southern Aristocratic race horse owner was primarily made up of the grindings of aging circus animals.

Rwanda genocide? Jif

Wounded Knee? Jif

In the 1980's, USA for Africa and Band Aid collected 20,000 jars of Jif to send to Ethiopia. Ethiopia sent it all back with a note that read "Thanks, but we'd rather starve, and yes, we do know it's Christmas."

Jif kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

Jif was what was served for dinner to the Eagles prior to the 1980 & 2004 Super Bowls.

Pelle Lindbergh was on his way to buy some Jif on November 10, 1985.

Jif was the peanut butter of choice for Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Josef Stalin, Francisco Franco, Emperor Hirohito, John Street and Ben Kingsley.

Jif is owned and manufactured by an anti-Semitic corporation who got its start making the Star of David patches distributed amongst the Jewish population in Eastern Europe.

Jif is used to cauterize wounds.

They have to call the crunchy style version of Jif "Extra Crunchy" because the smooth style is still crunchier than most industrial waste.

1985 - Ramona Africa demands Jif to be delivered to her house. The city firebombs an entire city block...using Jif.

Who made these guys Archdukes? And when were they assassinated?

Facts*, Historical and Otherwise That Everyone Knows About Skippy:

Three Mile Island? A technician in the control room dropped his Skippy-bearing PB&J on the board causing the meltdown.

Amelia Earhart was eaten by savages when she landed her plane due to an emergency thanks to the fumes coming from her jar of Skippy.

Disgraced PA State Senator Fumo eats Skippy.

Rush Limbaugh eats Skippy.

Andy Reid eats Skippy.

In the 1970's the Great Lakes caught fire. This was due to an unreported Skippy tanker running aground and covering the surface of the water with a thick layer of suck.

S-K-I-P-P-Y is an anagram for T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E

The Teapot Dome Scandal occurred when Congress realized Teapot Dome was filled with cans of Skippy instead of Jif.

The Gadsden Purchase only happened to give the US a vast desert wasteland in which to store Skippy away from humans.

The Johnstown Floods (yes all of them) occurred shortly after stores ran out of Jif and resorted to selling Skippy. This led to persons unknown blowing up the dams in an effort to literally cleanse their town of all traces of Skippy. Heroes all of them.

The Titanic crashed because the lookout and pilot were both logy and on the toilet from Skippy consumption.

The Hindenburg burned thanks to a fire in the pantry area of the great airship that broke out when someone opened a jar of Skippy and it reacted with the oxygen in that part of the ship.

The Scopes Monkey trial's lesser known legal precedent is that only monkeys are dumb enough to eat Skippy. And then just the ones that can't get jobs as actors.

Jimmy Hoffa's body has never been recovered because it was packed in a fifty gallon drum of Skippy, leading to his remains, the drum itself, and a 7 square mile area of the New Jersey Pinelands being dissolved by the offending peanut butter. This is also what finally did in the Jersey Devil, after nearly 400 years of haunting.

Skippy makes babies cry.

Skippy is the cause of the wildfires in California.

Skippy was on the grassy knoll.

Skippy singlehandedly brought down the World Trade Center.

Skippy can be used to remove rust, lime stains and calcium deposits from sinks and drains.

Skippy is used to induce vomiting more often than syrup of Ipecac.

Every jar of Skippy is now mandated by law to have the Mr. Yuk sticker in at least 7 places on the label.

Frederick Fleet. Titanic lookout, iceberg spotter, Skippy addict.

FFMatt Weighs in:

Jif mocks Skippy. Skippy has a cowlick and smells of Tarnex. Jif has a pack of Kools rolled up in his sleeve and is one the Most Wanted list for what he does to peanuts

Jif murders peanuts 24/7 and bathes in the entrails, a Jifrey Dahmer if you will. And he is always picked first in dodgeball. You have to respect that.

I can't believe Santa got my letter

One Last Retort From Sweaty:

Skippy Banged this..I win.

And there you have it folks. The case for Skippy and the case for Jif. It's a tie from where we stand. Feel free to vote in the upper right corner over there.

UPDATE! Jif 14 Skippy 11. Jif is clearly the best.

The one thing the Friendly Friends agree on?


The Only Thing Peanut Butter Related the Friendly Friends Can Agree On...

*"Facts" presented aren't necessarily facts...per se.


Jizzy Drizelle said...

Wow. This is almost as heated as the Stroehmann vs. Wonder Bread debate and the crust/no crust breakout session I attended recently.

Sadly, I saw no references in your entries to 'the peanut butter trick,' which incidentally would make an excellent name for a band.

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