Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Deliciously Useless Warning

Driving to work today I noticed not one but two Philly cops while I made my way to 76. “That’s odd…” I thought, “I never see two together like that." And they seemed busy too.

About 40 feet after that I passed a private parking lot that was jammed full of cars, which was uncommon for that time of morning.

Then I noticed one car had it’s door open and a plain clothes law enforcment officer was stretched out reading something.

He had on a tac vest and big leg rig with a 9 and mag pouches.

So to all the drug dealing asshole trash about to get raided this morning in my neighborhood:

IT'S A TRAP!!!!!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#983 - Minor League Baseball

In the space of 5 days last week I attended 3 minor league baseball games, in 3 different states, in 3 different leagues and didn't pay for a single ticket. Which is probably why I ended up at 3 games in 5 days. I hadn't been to a single game at all this year, at any level, but last Saturday, Monday and Wednesday solved that right quick.

Last Saturday I found myself in Lancaster, PA with Mrs. Jewbacca, her brother and his fiancee at a Barnstormers game. The Barnstormers play in the independent Atlantic League (which oddly features a team that plays nothing but road games) and are the reigning champs of the league. On Monday I found myself in Lakewood, NJ with the Mighty Malagan at a BlueClaws game. The Blueclaws are the Single-A, South Atlantic League affiliate of the Phightin' Phils -- which explained the presence of Rod "Ole" Barajas and Shane Victorino. Then my odyssey ended on Wednesday in Wilmington, DE at Frawley Stadium with Mrs. Jewbacca, the Blue Rocks and Cooler Bag Night. The Blue Rocks are the Advanced-A affiliate of the Kansas City Royals.

So why does minor league baseball deserve a spot on this here list? Let me count the ways:

Observations From the Minor Leagues

1. There seems to be something with eyeballs.
It started at Lancaster. The fun squad (or whatever they're called there) tossed big beach balls that were decorated to look like eyeballs in the stands. Everyone batted them around and whoever had the one with the winning number on it when the music stopped won a prize. I'm pretty sure it was an eye exam. In Lakewood they actually had a race between three giant eyeballs while the crowd screamed out their favorite between blue, brown and green. I'm not sure which eyeball won, but in the end, we were all winners. True story: The Mighty Malagan has two different colored eyes. He wisely did not root for anyone.

2. Mascots Mascots Mascots
Anyone who knows me knows that I do not, on the whole, like any mascot. Except the Phanatic, and then only from a distance.

Imagine my horror then when we rolled into Lancaster to be confronted by scores of mascots who had been attending a mascot camp in Lancaster. That's right. A mascot camp. I imagined it as a Stalag 17 type of place, where mascots are made to work in a salt mine until their debt to society is paid off. Apparently it is a place to teach mascots how to annoy and harass paying customers. So not only did we have Cylo to contend with, but countless others. Some serous nightmare fuel.

Cylo. No, I have no idea why it's spelled like that. It took me until the 3rd inning to realize it was pronounced "silo." BARNstormers...silo...get it?

In Lakewood we were in a "luxury box." Unfortunately Buster makes visits to every luxury box. I hid. I'm not proud.

That is not a BlueClaw. I know. It's still their mascot though.

In Wilmington they take their mascots pretty seriously. They have Rocky Bluewinkle, Rubble and the famous Mr. Celery. From what I could gather, Rubble just kid of stands around and Rocky Bluewinkle does the obligatory crowd bothering. But Mr. Celery is the star. He has his own section ("C" of course) sponsored by a health food store, his own tunnel and the two main food courts are named for him. His sole reason for existing is to come out and dance every time the Blue Rocks score a run. And dance he does.

Wilmington also has a trio of concession items that run the weakest race in baseball. They "run" from about a third of the way up the first base line, behind home plate and then to about a third of the way to third base. And in that short distance they manage to fall, push each other and generally embarrass themselves.

The best mascot-related happening was when the crowd booed Rocky for shooting a t-shirt into the parking lot. The 700 level at the Vet would have been proud of that one.

One of these things is not like the others, one of these things is doing its own thing...Oh who am I kidding? None of these things are like anything else.

3. I made the Jumbotron/Phanavision/Whatever they call it these days
I have never been featured on the scoreboard at any sporting event I have ever attended. Until last Wednesday in Wilmington. I looked over to the video board after seeing the out of town scoreboard show: TEX 27, BAL 3 and there I was. In giant Jewbacca glory.

I instantly went into the routine I had practiced all these years in case I got the chance to shine. The perfectly choreographed motions that would make the crowd remember me forever, would get me my own deal as a video board staple across the land.

I waved.

4. Reasonable Prices for Food....Familiar Big League Prices for Beer
In all three stadia, food prices were fantastic (actually I don't know how much stuff costs in Lakewood. I was a guest of the Mighty Malagan in a box owned by a certain convenient bank. Didn't pay for a thing there.) and I ate like a king. But beer? Holy cow. Beer was still in the $5-$8 range.

5. Secretive Religious Orders
Doesn't really have anything to do with minor league baseball per se, I just found it interesting that on the way to the Barnstormers game we passed Amish farms and horse and buggies. On the way to the BlueClaws we went through an area where there were countless (ok, 28 total) Hasidic Jews on the street and on the way to the Blue Rocks we had to pass through a gauntlet of angry Scientologists.

I made that last one up.

For the above reasons, and also for the fact that the games are quick, the crowds manageable, the stadia easy to navigate and the payers seem to appreciate the attention, I hereby place Minor League Baseball on the Definitive 1000.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#984 - Underoos

FFMatt's latest addition to the Definitive 1000 got me thinking. I was a little too young I think to truly appreciate the awesome ass kicking power of Action Jeans. It made me wonder what would be the awkward pre-pubescent version of Action Jeans. As my other Friendly Friends would attest, having also spent their developmental years in the late 70's and early 80's, it was a tough choice. I could have gone with Swatch Watches. I could have gone with KangaROOS sneakers, after all, Walter Payton said they were cool! I even thought I had my choice when I remembered slipping on my Freezy Freakies after the blizzard of 1983! Those were really cool! And the cooler they got, the cooler they got, if you get my meaning. Then it came to me like a decal laden, polyester blended bolt of lighting! Underoos! Of Course! [Photo]Growing up, I had a passion for such things as Star Wars, GI Joe, The Super Friends (no relation), and many others. My only problem was I couldn't get enough. Sure I could get my GI Joe action figures out and play with FFMatt in the vacant lot across the street. Sure, I would get excited every time that spinning "Special" appeared on my television indicating Star Wars was about to start.

As wonderful as these things were, none of it could truly satisfy my hungry imagination. If only I could BE Boba Fett! If only I could BE Snake Eyes! Alas, it was not to be. That is until; Fruit of the Loom came along with the greatest product in the history of the world.

Now if I wanted to pilot Slave One, I would slip into my Boba Fett Underoos! Wonder Woman is being held against her will in an underwater lair? Sounds like a job for me, a tub full of water, my Aquaman Underoos and perhaps some well-timed flatulence for effect.

Oh How I miss the days when I could press the faded stick on buttons on my chest to help deftly pilot my X-Wing Fighter. After doing a google image search and coming across the picture below, I realized how much I wish they made Underoos for adults…...but now for very very different reasons.

Never before and never since has there been an undergarment so worthy of my various pre-pubescent protein stains. For all the reasons above, I submit as number 984 on the Definitive 1000, Underoos!

Darren Daulton is Bat-Poop Crazy

Darren in better days with that hippie chick from Just Shoot Me

Wow. That's all I can say. Dutch, one of the spark plugs that helped the Phightin's to the 1993 NL Pennant is absolutely crazy.

Or so brilliant that he will be the only one saved on December 24, 2012....

Gecko: "Dutch recently told me, 'Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store...' so yeah, he's nuts."

Check out today's Deadspin and be sure to click on the link to the audio from this interview.

I, for one, welcome our Dutch Daulton overlord.

Dutch's first wife. The original "Hooters Girl", Lynne Austin. She has nothing to do with this post. I just liked watching her advertisment on the rightfield wall at Jack Russell Stadium in my youth.

And here is more on the back story of this latest offering from Mr. Time Traveller himself.

No, no, no... DAULTON.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dead Humans Can't Find This Funny

The Mighty Conchords rule. Turn up your speaker and take a long look in the mirror.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Old Things are Cool

I am rehabbing my almost 70 year old house. While tearing out ductwork and an adjoining old beam the typical dusty rain of debris hit the floor: old bits and bobs of things that burrow under carpets, between floorboards and are dropped/inserted into registers.

The air was crunchy with the history and the tectonics of old home life.

This is how I found a 1943 penny.

A few of you Numismatics may know what this discovery implies right away but I didn’t until I did a search on “1943 P…” and Google completed the search before I finished typing “… enny.” A popular search return? You bet. Check it out.

When I picked it up I knew from the corrosion and the year that the war was on at that time and copper was rationed for the war machine. That was enough for me, as a history/war buff. 1943 was a turning point in WW eye-eye in many ways and I had a piece of it in my hands. Kewl.

Did you check out the link above yet? No? Now? Yeah? Ok, so you know I drove home right away to do the magnet test, just to be sure. Without telling my wife (why tease her) I grabbed one of my daughter’s magnets and held it over the penny.

Click. Steel. Damn.

And that’s how it goes for a German with a 1943 penny. Stupid Karma wheel.

Still, as far as cheap thrills go, it was worth every penny (cue Laverne and Shirley laughtrack.)

Another old Penny, oddly enough also from 1943, probably worth at least 80K... in laughter.

Monday, August 13, 2007

A Brief Glimpse Into the Distant Past

Ladies and Gentleman, the Friendly Friends have been a touring act for many, many years at this point. What started as a two-man team with Matt on the mound and Sweaty batting cleanup became at the very least a trio with the addition of me, Jewbacca, as well as many others.

But if there was a way to travel back in time and film a fictional meeting between Lil Matt, Lil Sweaty and Lil Jewbacca this would be it:

This post is meant in no way to be a Mastercard commercial. It's just unfortunate that the mythical first meeting of three of the Friendly Friends is best summarized by a Mastercard commercial.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Who really runs things in Florida...

If you haven't had the opportunity to live in Central Florida within the last 5 years or so like me and the Sweaty Irishman you haven't had a chance to see who really runs the show. It's not the people. It's not the Governor. It's not even the Mafia. It's this guy:

Who is this charismatic and optimistic guy? An Asian Bunson Honeydew? NO!

He is the man with no name. He doesn't exist in real life. He only exists on the TV tube, as the owner and appliance connoisseur of local upstart Appliance Direct.

What started as a small mom and pop establishment of a few stores, Appliance Direct now stands tall, with this fellow pictured above reigning over Central and South Florida's Appliance empire like an Asian Al Capone controlling the market with an iron thumbs-up. No one steps on his turf and lives to tell about it.

What began as short commercials showcasing the latest products and developments, he's now the William Randolph Hearst of public access television all across the Sunshine State. With his folksy catch phrases to his personal demonstrations of the durability and design of each and every dishwasher to washing machine, he tightens his grip. He is a veritable god of home gadgets: The Whiz of the Whirlpool, Master of Maytags.

Here's a few of his clips:

One of the Irishman's Favs

So, where does this story go from here? That's a good question. At the rate he's taking control of the state, be on the lookout for a store opening near you sometime in the near future. He loves appliances and you'd better fall in line. He's already too powerful, resistance is futile. Or as he would say... It's WACKIE NU-NU!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Dear Unnamed Deity in Heaven,

Please, oh please, oh pretty please let this be a joke:

Thomas Martel, 28, of Bonnie Brae is a big guy. So he has a hard time using the features on ever-shrinking user interfaces on devices like his new iPhone. At least, he did, until he had his thumbs surgically altered in a revolutionary new surgical technique known as "whittling."

This has got be a joke right? From The Onion perhaps?

Well, it ain't from The Onion, but from here.

Sweaty, as our Colorado Correspondent, please check with Mrs. Sweaty to see if she can recollect any other strange surgery stories coming out of North Denver.

Big ups once again to

[UPDATE: Phew! It was a joke. As much as I wanted to chalk it up to satire all along, it would not be all that outrageous in this day and age to see a story like that.]

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Some posts write themselves...

From my favorite work time-waster comes this story outta Arizona about a boutique that has, of all things, a "Butt-Cam":

Shoppers are checking out their back half, not in a mirror, but on a TV screen. The Butt Cam at Hub Clothing in Scottsdale is capturing a side of shoppers they haven't seen.

A camera that lets shoppers see their derrieres on a TV screen? What could possibly go wrong?

"We're even thinking of doing a best of and putting it on DVD for the year, 'Best Butts of '08' or whatever, yeah," Simon says.

Yeesh. So if the camera gives the wrong answer to the age-old question: "Honey, does this make my butt look big?", does it get its butt kicked?

Story courtesy of

Does your butt look big in those jeans? Can a man ever answer that question correctly?

Holy McCr@p!!

Back in May, I brought you this fine analysis of the fine mascots of Philly and how they stacked up to the fine mascots of Pittsburgh, and I believe I called it on behalf of Philly.

I see that I may have been slightly premature in declaring it Philly 2 and Pittsburgh 0. With news of the naming of this nightmare of focus groups and too many marketing idiots the final score is actually Philly: Eleventy Billion and Pittsburgh 0.

The name chosen out of 70,000 submitted?
Are you sitting?
Mrs. Jewbacca I am looking in your direction. Please sit down.

What? The? F?

I blame a show that I hate, without ever having seen a single episode for this name. If it wasn't for that doctor show on ABC where the women use stupid nicknames for the men, non of this would have ever happened.

I'm not the only one. The fine folks at With Leather and Kissing Suzy Kolber have much better analysis of this unfortunate turn of events. Check them out.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Dirk Diggler Hates Digitaler Cabler

For the 13th time I tried to watch Boogie Nights, a movie which I’ve only seen pieces of before in popular reference, as it is on my list of Must See Movies (along with The Godfather which I finally saw.)

Over the last 12 times that I tried to sit and watch it on Comcast Cable, the feed goes jerk-ass on the fritz and I’m left blue-balling, in an expectations sense.

So the last time I sat down to watch two nights ago I looked at my patient Harry Potter-reading wife and said, “Watch this…” knowing comes comes next, no pun intended.

7 minutes into the show the feed stutters and drops like an epileptic playing Halo.

My wife didn’t seem impressed or surprised but I know she was, deep down where it's dark and there is a dripping noise with echo. As for me, I’m left torn and sad, wondering why the cosmos picks this of all things to test me with.

So I avail myself to the Friendly Friends...

Olivia (Dropping handful of buisness cards): "Sure you can use my phone..."

Should I eject and focus on something else to obsess about, like Olivia Munn, or buzz the tower by power-walking straight up to Best Buy and asking for one fresh copy of Boogie Nights right over the PA, in a French accent?

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Question of the Day...

Today is Butch Patrick's 54th birthday. That's right...Eddie Munster is 54 years old.

And if The Simpsons have taught us anything, he still looks exactly the same.

In honor of Mr. Patrick and the residents of 1313 Mockingbird Lane today's question is:

Who (or what) was the hottest Munster?

Vote at the tippy-top of this here page.

[UPDATE: Blogger polls aren't working. Feel free to vote in the Comments]

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Question of the Day...

Ye olde questione of thee Daye celebrates the 233rd Anniversarye of the Discoverye of ye olde Oxygen. For on thouest day in 1774, Joesph Priestley starred in the hit teen drama Philadelphia, 19107 discovered oxygen whilst tutoring studentes in jolly olde England.

Discovering oxygen begs the question:

Name an easier discovery.

As always, answer at the top right of this here site.