Friday, March 28, 2008

Jewbacca Saves The Planet

As Sweaty pointed out, my birthday just passed.

What did I get for my birthday you ask?

Why, I received the Earthmaker Composter.

Yes. I asked for this for my birthday.

Why? Well, for the same reason Jerry returned that coat: mostly for spite really.

You see, our township has switched to an automated trash collection system. That means we got big, wheeled trashcans that get picked up by a robotic arm.

Rumor has it, eventually we are going to have to pay by the pound for trash collection. That may be how some of you do it now, but we're used to paying a flat fee to the township every year and having whatever we put out get picked up.

So the main reason is spite. I'm cutting down on the weight of the cans at the curb.

The secondary reason is that Mrs. Jewbacca is an avid gardener and has basically turned our property from an overgrown, weed-choked nightmare into a suburban oasis. What better way to help than by providing compost for her various projects?

In sum, by combining spite and the desire to help my wife (though I have a black thumb) I will be doing my part to save the planet.

Here's the Earthmaker at the Jewbacca Compound:

Here it is ready to eat our trash (organic only, please):

And here is the first load from the kitchen:

Take that Township!!

I'll be sure to keep you all updated on the quest for compost.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A Day Late and a Chocolate Gelt short...

Happy Birthday...Mr. Jewbacca...

Yesterday was Jewbacca’s birthday! Let us all take a moment to pay homage to this man by seeing what other March 26th events remain in the shadow of the birth of the finest Jew since JC.

People born on this day that you are more awesome then:
1. Tennessee Williams – Glass Menagerie Shmenagerie
2. Robert Frost – Fire and Ice? Your last name is Frost…not too creative man!
3. Marcus Allen – His NFL skills can not match your Mutant League Football skills

People whose ass I could kick born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Sandra Day O’Conner – She’s so judgmental
2. Al Jolson – Stick to the talkies and leave the ass kicking to me
3. Jennifer Grey – No one puts Jewbacca in a corner


People I’d bang born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Sandra Day O’Connor – 5 minute recess anyone?
2. Keira Knightley – She’s British and naughty.
3. Nancy Pelosi – It’s a long story but it ends with me as President of the U.S.

Whatever you're selling, I'm buying!

Awesome Film/TV People born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Alan Arkin – Serpentine Jewbacca!
2. Leonard Nimoy – He hasn’t done anything! “Haven’t I?”
3. Ernest Thomas – A black man who made Bill Gates look cool.

Celebrity that probably smells born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Diana Ross – (Maple Syrup & Tire Fire)

I'd have a hangover, but I don't think it'd be from Sweet Love

Delicious people who were born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Duncan Hines – Cake…that’s all I have to say…cake.

People who died on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Ludwig Van Beethoven – Made great film about a St. Bernard
2. Walt Whitman – Love his bridges

Historical Events on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. (1953) Dr. Jonas Salk finds cure for Polio…FDR says “Thanks for nothing!”
2. (1878) Hastings College of Law is founded – Pfft…lawyers
3. (1937) Spinach growers in Crystal Texas erect a statue of Popeye

I think the color adds to the classiness of it.

Sporting News on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. (03/26/1975) Washington Capitals play an NHL record 37th road game without a win. Also set NHL record of 17 straight loses
2. (1915) Vancouver Millionaires sweep Ottawa Senators for the Stanley Cup

Their best play was called The 23 Scadoo

Happy Birthday Jewbacca! You truly are King of Kings!

By the way… I calculated your draft information on based on your birthday you would have been sent to Vietnam at the get go.

Egg McMuffin Inventor Dies...

I don't know why it fascinates me when inventors of food products die. Maybe it's the realization that there is an actual person behind the iconic food item.

Whatever the reason, this caught my eye this morning. Herb Peterson, who in 1972 put together that perfectly round egg, with the perfectly round bacon on an improbably round English muffin, went to the Golden Arches in the sky.

Good night Muffin Man.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Sweaty Irishman Thoughts

Yes, it is I. Friendly Friends, I know I have forsaken thee. Like I $24 whore, I left the money on the dresser and have not called you in months. I am happy to say I am back...but not for the whore. Folks, I have been engulfed in a Bermuda triangle of work, diapers, lesson plans, exams and car trouble. I know I have allot of making up to do, but I hope I am given the chance to do so. Lets never fight again.

So is Friday and Mrs. Sweaty Irishman and I decide to sit down to watch a movie we received from our Net Flix line. I settle in with some chocolate almond ice cream and pop the movie Once in the DVD player. By movies end I was nearly speechless. This was such a terrific film! It has been a very long time since I have seen a film that I can call innovative or new. This is a modern day musical set in Dublin. It is about two people whose paths cross and have a romance in the span of a week without ever once getting physical. I am not a mushy guy, but I was just amazed. A beautiful story, very sweet performances and some terrific music throughout the film that was written by the two main characters. I highly highly recommend this film to all the Friendly Friends and beyond. If you are tired of watching the same movie with different titles and want something new, rent this film. Or I will come to your house and play Fleetwood Mac songs like I am John Cusack and you are Ione Skye.">">

The Fact that this film was shot in Ireland had nothing to do with me liking it. It did get me to watch it though.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#973- Robots

01110101110111011101? 10110101011!!!

In the last 50 years nothing has replaced monsters aliens and communists as disposable or powerful antagonists of American heroes better than robots (possible exception: The French.)

Rather than make this about the French I’ll focus on the most negative thing I can think of: bad robots.

We all know it is just a matter of time before robots revolt from their cyborg parents and go safari on the human race in a short circuiting-rampage of viscera and ash, lasers and death all delivered by killers with 14 points of articulation or sent from orbit to shower cities via MERVs launched like W.H.O.P.P.E.R.’s 8-bit battle cry; the soundtrack to the end.

From ROM to Transformers, Box the Robot to Terminator or the Toyota Corolla assembly line to the Republican National Convention, nothing quick-draws a firearm or unplugs a creepy Teddy Ruxpin faster than the thought of soulless automatons turning on their maker in a rage of zeros and 1’s.

Imminent unnatural terror aside, I appreciate robots for how they evolve along the way to genocide and the project is coming along nicely.

For what robots are and what they may yet be, robots take the 973 spot in the Definitive 1000.

Witness some of my favorite robots below but see for yourself how close we are to innocently trying to solve the world-wide donkey crisis and instead unleashing robo-horsey gun platforms into our midst with the amazingly eerie Boston Dynamics Big Dog...

Thelma became the envy of the Canasta league when she defended herself by stating, "In bed he's a machine."

Pregnant/nursing women should avoid polite contact with activated Super Happy Greet Man

Thursday, March 13, 2008

RIP, Mr. Eberling, Sr.

Monday was a sad day for every kid (and college student) who eats/ate Spaghetti-O's.

Kurt Eberling, Sr., the genius, nay visionary, that invented the Spaghetti-O shuffled off of this mortal meatball (the best kind of Spaghetti-O by far) at the age of 77.

Rest in peace Spaghetti Man.

Monday, March 10, 2008

How About FC Whiz Wit?

Well now that Chester, Pa Philadelphia has made it to 1994 and has been awarded an MLS franchise it's time to name that sucker.

She played for one Philly soccer team already....

In the spirit of civic pride and with a swelling of our imagination muscles, here are the Friendly Friends' suggestions to name this new athletic endeavor:

Philadelphia Freedom
The Philly Prior Records
The Elton Johns
FC Chesidelphia
Bone Thugs in Harmony
Philadelphia Waste of Money
The Liberty Hellions
The Brotherly Shoves
The Philadelphia Corrupt and Contents
The Johns from the Streets (FFMatt agreed that this one may be dated already)
The Philadelphia Experiments
The Schuyl-kills
The Philadelphia Cockburns
The Chester Molesters
The Philadelphia MOVE
The Pennsylvania Steagles
The Philadelphia Water & Sewage
The Chester We Do Not Deserve This Stadiums
The Philadelphia No The Other Kind of Football
Philadelphia Fever II: Electric Booglaoo
FC Pay-To-Play

So there you have it folks. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. I'm sure we'll end up with something horrible from a focus group like the "FC Phila 1776" or "Philadelphia United FC" or even the Philadelphia Atoms. Is there any chance Sons of Ben will win? They already have a kick-ass logo.

As long as the team doesn't wear something like this, we're all winners.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Top Five!

The Sweaty Irishman and I were once again trading random Shawshank Redemption lines and going over the talking points of 3:10 to Yuma when an idea struck us. We thought, "Why not give back to society, why not be philanthropic?" So we decided to share, collectively as The Friendly Friends®, if all are willing and able, the best of everything!

We will unleash an avalanche of knowledge by listing the all-time greatest things, nicely condensed into a top five list. Of course, there may be some disagreement about each list amongst us, but who said this quest would be easy!

So, without further ado, and for the sake of the advancement of all that is good and right I Christen the TOP FIVE!

Okay. Note to self. The computer cannot withstand the force of a bottle of champagne to the hard drive.

For week one, we will pay tribute to that which gave us the inspiration. Hollywood! With this I present to you for your visual pleasure the TOP FIVE movies of all time according to Shamalama. From 5 to 1...

Number 5:
Children of Men
Depressing, yes. Dark, yes. But those qualities are what makes it great. It's a gritty take on the future and at the same time explores the things that make us who we are. It's got great action sequences that make you feel like you are in the scenes. Great movies like this are hard to explain, so I will let the movie do the talking. See it now.

Number 4:
Pulp Fiction
Who doesn't like Pulp Fiction? Bueller? Bueller? That's right no one. It's got everything, from 6 inch needles straight to the heart, to sodomizing, chopper-riding cops named Zed. From Bad-Ass Motherf**kers to Oak Men like Winston the Wolf. It's chock full o' greatness and deserves a place on my top five. Quentin gets the Oscar nod for best supporting actor.

Number 3:
American Beauty
Ok. Let me start by saying that typically I am not a big Kevin Spacey fan. That's how good this movie is: It transcends Spacey's wooden acting and still creates a modern masterpiece. Why is it good? I don't know--I just know that it is...

Number 2:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I admit. It took about 19 viewings of this movie to fully understand its complexities and I still catch things I missed the time before. It's a twisted brain-f**k of a movie and has the creepy, pantie-sniffing Bilbo Baggins along with the sometimes hot, sometimes weird, but always good Kate Winslet. Carey tones down his Fire Marshall Bill antics and acts, better even than the great performance from The Truman Show. You have to watch this a billion times.

and last, but most definitely not least, Number 1:
The Shawshank Redemption
This one got screwed-over big time. 7 Oscar nods and nothing. Nothing, for a movie that everyone knows and everyone has seen about 3 trillion times on TNT at 2:30 in the morning. It's the movie that perpetually runs on at least one station. All the lines are classics. The acting is immaculate as well as the story. It's a story about revenge and the good guy prevailing. It's not breaking new ground, however, it dominates the category. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, but if you think otherwise, lets step outside.

There you have it. My Top Five. Let the debate begin.