My Zombuddy David

I'm so proud. One of my best friends made the Colbert Report. Check it out: That zombie pic? That's my boy David. He was a groomsman in my wedding. We go way back. We did all sorts of crazy things together, alive-things.

Apparently this image was sold as photostock and made it all the way to the big time.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#971 - Breakfast Cereal

Through the first 33 years of my life, my appetite has gone through many stages. What I eat, how I eat and how much I eat has gone through waves of change. For instance, I never used to like Chinese food. Now I salivate every time I drive by a King Buffet. Some tastes have never changed, such as Sweet Potatoes. I look at that god-awful excuse for a vegetable as some sort of divine poop. Its shape, its size and its taste can only be described as celestial excrement. I can just imagine the big man upstairs looking down on us every third Thursday in November and begging us to stop. I imagine he is saying something along the lines of…”Look, it was day 6, I was tired, I had to go, and it was a long way back to my place. I never expected you guys to eat it! I even tried to bury it! You can add as much brown sugar and marshmallow to it as you want, it will still taste like shit!” Ok, so I don’t like sweet potatoes. There are also foods that as a young lad, I did enjoy, such as tapioca pudding. Nowadays, I would sweep the leg of any man who dared offer me any of that putrid gobbledy goop!
One thing that has never changed, and never will change is my love of Breakfast Cereal. As a child, some of my happiest most relaxing memories are of sitting at the bright and sunny table in the early Saturday morning hours, eating a heaping bowl of my favorite breakfast cereal of the day, and getting lost in the fine literature on the back of the box.


I am convinced that if it where not for cereal boxes I would be illiterate today. Whether it be reading about the fine prize included inside the box, which I would have already dug out before the first bowl was poured, or reading about the tie-in between cereal and upcoming movie. It was always just enough to get me through one bowl of cereal.
Back in the day, as is the case currently, you had various cartoon characters that represented their respective cereals. Some did it well, some not so well. Of course, changes have been made over the years to appease the PC health conscious world. Sugar Corn Pops became Corn Pops. Sugar Smacks became Honey Smacks, and for some reason, the Trix Rabbit thought he would fool us into changing from the traditional ball shaped cereal, to “more healthy looking” fruit shaped cereal. This change alone forced me away from Trix, as I grew tired of all the blood transfusions required after cutting the roof of my mouth with jagged fruit shaped Trix. Speaking of Trix, did anyone else think those kids were pretty cruel and selfish? Give the poor rabbit a bowl of Trix already!
You had other characters that brought the cereal to life, such as Sonny the Cuckoo bird. He apparently had some sort of psychotic episode whenever he was in the vicinity of Cocoa Puffs. I think the medical term is Chocophilia. Another character in the bird category was Toucan Sam. I always thought Sam was a bit pretentious for a tropical bird representing a fruity cereal shaped like zeros. That is not to say I did not enjoy Fruit Loops. I did, and do! My son had some this weekend!
You also had some second tier characters such as the Honey Bear who represented Golden Crisp and the Dig ‘Em Frog, representing Honey Smacks. To this day I am still trying to discern the difference between these two cereals.



So one uses a wooden spoon to scoop the honey and the other uses that fancyhoney scooping thingy? Is that the difference?



They look the same, taste the same and if the box is kept in an environment with any humidity at all it will form a solid cereal brick in a matter of days.
As a child, my mother would make feeble attempts to make us eat the healthy cereals. She would come back with 3 boxes of cereal. Cocoa Puffs, Kix, and Raisin Bran. I believe she still has those boxes of Kix and Raisin Bran. The great thing about cereal is that there are so many choices! From the sugary Lucky Charms to the bland Puffed Rice, from the sweet Golden Grahams to the unnaturally expensive Cracklin Oat Bran…you always have options. That is not even talking about the limited edition cereals or the promotional cereals that stop making sense after a few months. See Mr. T cereal, C3PO’s, and Smurf Berry Crunch.




The Mr. T cereal was appropriatley shaped, but why were C3PO's shaped like 8's?

As a child was I bitter that I never saw a Philadelphia athlete on a box of Wheaties? You bet! Was I annoyed when I kept getting the same Sticky Fingers toy in my box of Alpha-bits? Oh yeah!

Did any of those issues turn me away from my sugar and grain filled breakfast buddy? Hell no! I learned alot from Cereal Spock!

This creal is illogicaly delicious

The beauty of cereal is that it can be eaten any time of day. It can be eaten in a little bowl, as 5-year-old Sweaty Irishman can attest. It can be eaten in a mixing bowl, as 15 year old Sweaty Irishman can attest, and it can be eaten write out of the box, if you were lucky enough to get your hands on a variety pack…which I rarely was.
Every once in a while a cereal betrays me. During my youth, as a boy named Mike, I had to hear constant echoes of the Life cereal slogan…”Hey! Mikey likes it!.”

It was lucky for them I DID like it!

Some of the changes have not been to my liking, as the aforementioned Trix shapes will suggest. Lucky Charms has gotten a little too complicated for my tastes regarding the marshmallows as well. I miss the green clovers, orange stars, yellow moons and pink hearts. Now you have the rainbow colored rainbow, purple horseshow, shooting stars, yellow pots of gold, and I think I saw a marshmallow CHUD in there at one point. They almost need to put a disclaimer on the box for people with epilepsy.
All that being said, I will never stop enjoying a nice bowl of cereal in the morning. I still read the box, as for the toys…I was using my light up Indian Jones spoon this morning to scoop my Captain Crunch.

You had me at crunchy.

For all these reasons, fine literature, fun toys, great memories and a tasty meal…cereal takes its place on The Friendly Friends Definitive 1000.

I Was Right

I'm filled with Spaghetti-O's of course... Spaghetti-O's with franks.

I love being right. July 2007 I predicted that Iron Man would rock. I was right.

This past Saturday the wife and I headed out for a rare kidless Saturday night. We got our loan for the tickets cosigned and we took our seats in steerage, er, stadium seating.


Coming from Mrs. FFMatt, who cares little for superheroes or Robert Downey Jr.: Iron Man was impressive, mostly because it didn’t feel much like a superhero movie. There was adventure. There was enough plot. Effects were great. People laughed and seemed to care for the characters.

My wife asked questions about back story and about the thing that happened after the credits. That impressed me most since she wasn’t just trying to get into my pants after 8 years of marriage, she actually wanted to know more. About a superhero movie.


Four thumbs up from my matrimonial franchise. Go see Iron Man.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#978- Boba Fett

I'm not Friendly and I'm not your Friend.

What?!? You don’t like Boba Fett? Kiss my black ass then because you just don’t know. Who got the drop on a Jedi like Luke? Fett did. Who was the only guy to get sassy with Vader and survive? Fett. Who survived the Sarlacc? Fett did.

Fett is as Jedi/Sith as you can be without that lame midi-chlorian bullshit. In fact, Fett is like every good general contractor or landscaper I know. No matter who the customer is, that customer is at the mercy of the guy doing the job and sometimes you just have to accept that. Vader knew he was getting charged for municipal mulch in his flowerbeds but paid premium anyway.

Don’t stand in the way of the man while he’s working.

His favorite weapon? Everything.

His favorite music? Credits and heads smacking together.

His antiperspirant? None. I said everything is a weapon.

Vader, Donna. Donna, Vader. Thanks for sending Fett over, my lawn looks great and COBRAAA!!! Sorry, my Turette's there. Anyway...

If you can’t tell by now, Boba Fett is a McDLT of cool side Spagetti Western ala Clint Eastwood and hot action like Run Run Shaw beat-ass chumpies.

For that, Fett chooses to take and hold the #978 spot on the Definitive 1000… until he has no more use for it.

Wha?!? Yeah, Fett is my idol... listen, can we do this later?!? I'm a little busy...

A Very Happy Birthday to a Very Dear Childhood Friend

When Jewbacca was just a wee lad, Papa Jewbacca decided to get in on the craze that was sweeping the nation.

He bought one of these:



This childhood friend is turning 30 this month and I would be remiss if I did not take some time to mention it.

Since the Friendly Friends are all children of the late 70's and 80's, we have been through all of the various game systems. We've tried to figure out the point of ET for the Atari. We've puzzled over the Intelivision's controller. We've beaten Donkey Kong, entered the 30-man code for Contra and been there for Mario during all of his various adventures. Since my gaming career came to a screeching halt with the PS One, I'll let the experts fill in more games and characters.

But the Atari 2600 and I were close. Saturday mornings were for three things: Starstuff, Candy Apple News Company and Atari. Me and the Mighty Malagan were allowed to play with the volume off so as not to wake the parents.

Getting a new game was like Christmas morning (or how I imagine it to be) every time. We had to go to an actual electronics store, the kind that sold early computers and Atari stuff, about 20 minutes from our house. We got to test it out on the store's set-up. And then when we got it home, it was time to marvel over the amazing graphics and colors coming form the 19 inch Zenith (with actual dials and rabbit ears).

I was the master of many games: Breakout, River Raid, Yar's Revenge, Baseball (not the crappy Atari version that made any hit directly up the middle over 2nd base a home run) and Chopper Command to name a few.

In fact, I was a Chopper Commando. I still am a Chopper Commando. I hit some crazy amount of points, Pop took a picture of the screen and mailed it to Activision and 6-8 weeks later I got a patch and a newsletter. Papa Jewbacca was a Laser Blaster.

If I could get back 1/8 of the time I spent playing Atari back and put that toward more constructive pursuits I could probably speak several languages. But such is life. Instead of being multi-lingual, I can kick your sorry ass at several rudimentary video games.

Just don't make me play anything that has two small joysticks that control which way you look and which way you walk. Bad things happen. Bad things.

Dirk Diggler Hates Digitaler Cabler

For the 13th time I tried to watch Boogie Nights, a movie which I’ve only seen pieces of before in popular reference, as it is on my list of Must See Movies (along with The Godfather which I finally saw.)

Over the last 12 times that I tried to sit and watch it on Comcast Cable, the feed goes jerk-ass on the fritz and I’m left blue-balling, in an expectations sense.

So the last time I sat down to watch two nights ago I looked at my patient Harry Potter-reading wife and said, “Watch this…” knowing comes comes next, no pun intended.

7 minutes into the show the feed stutters and drops like an epileptic playing Halo.

My wife didn’t seem impressed or surprised but I know she was, deep down where it's dark and there is a dripping noise with echo. As for me, I’m left torn and sad, wondering why the cosmos picks this of all things to test me with.

So I avail myself to the Friendly Friends...

Olivia (Dropping handful of buisness cards): "Sure you can use my phone..."

Should I eject and focus on something else to obsess about, like Olivia Munn, or buzz the tower by power-walking straight up to Best Buy and asking for one fresh copy of Boogie Nights right over the PA, in a French accent?

Save Ferrous

I’m a geek. That doesn’t mean I love The Transformers movie just because it exists. I’m also no fanboy. In fact, I live by three words: Crap is crap. And also: Don't be itchy. Stick with the first for now.

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, steely-eyed missile man

So on to the next super hero franchise … Iron Man, based on the Marvel comic I loved as a kid. Tony Stark is the T-Top Pontiac Firebird of the super hero world, like Magnum P.I. and Tranzor Z rolled into one.

I was really nervous about Hollywood desicrating my moustached mecha-main man and afraid of a future that included stadium seating, cell phone glow and $45 dollar sodas.

And Robert Downey Jr.? Really?

Here’s the trailer from San Diego Comicon and big ups to The Belmish for hosting: http://theblemish.com/2007/07/iron-man-has-some-footage/

My verdict: Feel these nipples. I think Iron Man will kill other robot movies right in the face.

Optimus Prime-Rib: Defeated by a guy named Tony... and LDL.

Definitve 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.


#985 - Action Jeans

Chuck to Mo'Nique: "LESS' Nique starts right now... KIIIYYYIII"

I practiced kickboxing for more than 5 years and in all that time I swore fighting ninjas would be the coolest thing ever, preferably in the midst of arterial sprays and flashing katanas. While that didn't happen exactly, I did manage to use what I learned on a few occasions.

But boy was I chaffed. It really ruined the whole thing.

Those rare occurences would've been much better if I had some combat slacks.

Everyone knows Chuck Norris' Chief Export is pain, but did you ever think such punishment would be dropkick-shipped with a slimming silhouette and non-chafing, gussetted crotch?

Dead ninjas and sure do.

For the bargain that lets you kill somebody right in the face and still look kewl at the Toby Keith show, combat slacks take a fitting place in the Definitive 1000.

New Optimus Prime....

Apparently, there is some noise over a new Transformers movie coming out this summer or something.

And with any new movie there is undoubtedly an avalanche of movie-related products.

And when your movie is about something that can be made easily into a toy, like say, oh, a truck that turns into a robot, the avalanche is easier to predict and get out of the way of.

Without further ado, and with mad thanks to retroCRUSH (which is truly the "World's Greatest Pop Culture Site in the Whole World") here is a glimpse at the new Optimus Prime:


I was never a big fan. Growing up all my parents could afford were Go-Bots. We couldn't afford to watch the Transformers cartoon and got stuck watching Go-Bots on USA Network.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#994- Bollywood

I am a straight man and I don’t mind saying that based on my favorite porn vendor Telemundo, latino women are generally incredibly hot and the men, at least in a broadcasting capacity, not so much. I’m secure enough to make those calls. But the entertainment is sizzling. Even the kid’s programming has T&A which I find disturbing as a parent and ok as a pig.

So who brings the game to another level? India. Why? Class.

I’m a die hard fan of Bollywood, the musically-powered South Asian alliance of moviemakers that presents the world with as many musicals/garish displays as the guy I was stuck next to on the streetcar in San Fran last week.

India media (or Indeedia) proves to the world that the women of India can be at once the most physically striking and sonically threatening of all female bipeds ever in our evolution and every bit an answer to Hollywood, without tons of violence and sex. These women turn the Hollywood-esqe industry from juggernaught to juggy-naughty without the need to get Richard Gere involved, which is actually true with him in every case anyway. In fact those women just show up and you bask in their beauty/talent, forget lurid scenes and amazing nudity. Maybe hit mute when the singing starts, though. It’s an acquired taste, that. At least stretch first.

The men? Well, there is a price to pay for everything. As a man I feel like I’d have a shot with those impossibly gorgeous women and I know I dance better than those guys. Still, the power of India’s music cannot be stopped and barely contained.

If you cannot get your hands on any fine India export (I mean video/audio!) at least tune into Namaste America for a rock block of music videos direct from theatres; an hour program usually shows about 1.5 music videos, btw. That says a lot about the product.

Failing that, here are two of my older favorites from Youtube that prove how you can’t front on India entertainment:

Thriller: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSPvvVfcoAw

Celebrating the release of Spider Man 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5Pjo0WjBcs