Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Save Ferrous

I’m a geek. That doesn’t mean I love The Transformers movie just because it exists. I’m also no fanboy. In fact, I live by three words: Crap is crap. And also: Don't be itchy. Stick with the first for now.

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, steely-eyed missile man

So on to the next super hero franchise … Iron Man, based on the Marvel comic I loved as a kid. Tony Stark is the T-Top Pontiac Firebird of the super hero world, like Magnum P.I. and Tranzor Z rolled into one.

I was really nervous about Hollywood desicrating my moustached mecha-main man and afraid of a future that included stadium seating, cell phone glow and $45 dollar sodas.

And Robert Downey Jr.? Really?

Here’s the trailer from San Diego Comicon and big ups to The Belmish for hosting: http://theblemish.com/2007/07/iron-man-has-some-footage/

My verdict: Feel these nipples. I think Iron Man will kill other robot movies right in the face.

Optimus Prime-Rib: Defeated by a guy named Tony... and LDL.

Question of the Day...

It was 32 years ago today/The Mafia made Hoffa go away/He's been poppin' up here and there/But he really could be anywhere/So let me introduce to you/the feature you've known for all these days/The Friendly Friends Question of the Day....

Where Did I Put That Thing?

With apologies to The Beatles, Sgt. Pepper himself, the Mafia, and anyone who has an actual functioning sense of humor. I fell on mine and broke it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Question of the Day...

Today is the 31st Anniversary of the final public performance of the Philadelphia Flyers' good luck charm, Kate Smith. On this date in 1976 she performed "God Bless America" on a television special honoring the US Bicentennial.

As any Flyers fan knows, Kate Smith's rendition of God Bless America is considered to guarantee a win when played in place of the National Anthem. All-time record when Kate's GBA is played? A paltry 68-19-3. In the Satnley Cup seasons of 73-74 and 74-75 She went an amazing 14-0! Watching footage of her singing live before a packed house at the Spectrum at the start of Game 6 of the Finals in 1974 still gives me goosebumps.

In honor of Ms. Smith's last live performance, and her power to bring the Orange and Black a win, today's question is thus:

Do the Flyers have a chance this season?

Big ups to Flyers History for the stats.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sweaty Irishman Thoughts

The exact moment I knew I was out of my element.

Garden of the Gods

Unless you are truly on the inside of the circle of The Friendly Friends, you would be unaware that I recently spent a week in Colorado visiting with Mrs. Sweaty Irishman's family and getting baby Sweaty Irishman baptized. While out there we did typical family stuff...pizza, trivial pursuit, talking, movies. We also took a few day trips to do some sight seeing. Garden of the Gods, Coors Field, and a trip into the Rockies. Now, I had been out here before of course, so I already had an idea of what the area was like. The differences in climate, the higher altitude, the 85 grade gasoline for sale and the unsettling grid-like layout of the city and suburban streets. But it wasn't until around our 4th day on this trip that I truly realized how out of my element I was. We drove our behemoth of a rental car up up up into the Rocky Mountains. Mrs. Sweaty wanted me and Sweaty Junior to see some Mountain Lakes she used to camp by. The drive of course was beautiful. Breath taking views around every turn, although we did hit a Mountain town called Ward that instantly recalled images of banjos and toothless youngsters. When we reached the hiking trail that led up to Brainard lake we parked the car, collected our camera, a water, and Sweaty Junior and headed to the path. It was at the start of the trail that I saw a post with some of your more typical hiking trail signs. After all, Pennsylvania is not without it's hiking trails. You had your no littering signs, your prevent forest fire signs, you know...typical nature stuff. It was not until I reached the last sign on the post that I realized how far out of my element I truly was.

The sign read...

What the F! Shouldn't this sign read "Hiking Trail Closed"?!?!?!?!?! Not wanting to look like a total wuss in front of Mrs. Sweaty I took the sign in stride. I read it, re-read it and took a photo of it. One of the sign, and Mrs. Sweaty wanted one with me and Sweaty Junior with the sign. I am not sure if she wanted to show Junior that he had once been in the area of Mountain Lion activity or perhaps she wanted photographic evidence of the worst father ever! Anyway, we decided to hike the trail regardless. With every step towards the lake the words from the warning sign echoed in my head. "If you are attacked by a mountain lion, don't run!"..."Fight back, don't quit!"..."Throw your belongings at it"... I was of course nervous, but a very little part of me was excited at the prospect of seeing a mountain lion in the wild. That feeling was brief when interrupted by the reality that if we did indeed see one, the only way my wife and child could get away safely was for me to keep the mountain lion busy. By keep it busy I of course mean letting him chew on my internal organs. Well, to make a long story longer, we made it to the lake, and back safely. It was a memorable experience for all of us, especially for Sweaty Junior...I could tell by the fervor behind his spit bubbles. So, twenty years from now when the story will have morphed into me wrestling with a pack of mountain lions while drinking a beer and protecting my family the friendly friends will know the real story.

It was totally worth it!

Question of the Day....

Today marks the long-awaited big screen debut of one of the finest pieces of animation ever...The Simpsons. The Friendly Friends could not be more excited. We pretty much only communicate in Simpsons quotes as it is.

But today also marks the 67th Anniversary of another giant of animation's debut.

Bugs Bunny appeared for the first time as we know him today in "A Wild Hare," foiling Elmer Fudd's bid to make Bugs his dinner.

That means today's question can only be one thing:

What's up Doc?

-- asked many times by Bugs Bunny

As always, vote for the correct answer in the poll to the right.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Definitve 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#985 - Action Jeans

Chuck to Mo'Nique: "LESS' Nique starts right now... KIIIYYYIII"

I practiced kickboxing for more than 5 years and in all that time I swore fighting ninjas would be the coolest thing ever, preferably in the midst of arterial sprays and flashing katanas. While that didn't happen exactly, I did manage to use what I learned on a few occasions.

But boy was I chaffed. It really ruined the whole thing.

Those rare occurences would've been much better if I had some combat slacks.

Everyone knows Chuck Norris' Chief Export is pain, but did you ever think such punishment would be dropkick-shipped with a slimming silhouette and non-chafing, gussetted crotch?

Dead ninjas and sure do.

For the bargain that lets you kill somebody right in the face and still look kewl at the Toby Keith show, combat slacks take a fitting place in the Definitive 1000.

Softcore Pirates

Hard times have flushed the downloading chump or at very least, exposed the hardcore music pirate for what they covet most: angry pirate music from Soft Cell and Bare Naked Ladies.

So what happens when music pirates DL and distribute enough music to go to pirate jail? And by that I mean State Hiney-Attack prison?

If you plan on being this kind of pirate then at least make sure that you download songs that keep your ass-ets safe when you answer the ring of gorillas surrounding you in the prison shower who ask, “What you in for?”

Top Eleven Songs/Albums that will get your pooper powned right inside the prison door:

1.“Shiny Happy People” R.E.M
2.“Sixteen Going on Seventeen” from the soundtrack to Sound of Music
3.“Making Love out of Nothing at All” by Air Supply
4.Anything by Stevie B. That is to say, that one song
5.The High School Musical Soundtrack
6.“From a Distance” by Bette Midler
7.“Cry Me a River” Babs Streisand
8.Elmo Sings (w/ Rosie O’Donnell)
9.“I Wanna Sex You Up” Color Me Bad
10.“She’s Like the Wind” Patrick Swayze
11.“Informer” Snow

Sigh. If only...

Question of the Day...

Welcome to a new "daily" feature here at The Friendly Friends. And by daily I mean whenever one of us remembers to do it.

The question appears below and the answers are located in the spiffy poll to the right. As they say, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

In celebration of the 22nd Anniversary of the release of Pee Wee's Big Adventure (the movie, not his legal troubles stemming from that whole Adult Theater Adventure) today's question is:

I know you are, but what am I?

-- asked of Francis by Pee Wee

Monday, July 23, 2007

Who is the better "Potter"?

Harry Potter vs. Sherman Potter

(A war of words between two guys who get flustered ordering a Moons over My Hammy at Denny's)
(Best breakfast sandwich ever!)

Being that Jewbacca is too cool to read or watch any of the Harry Potter's, Sweaty Irishman will take the Pro Magical Potter and Jewbacca will take the undoubtedly hemroidal Potter.

Sweaty Irishman: Although I am keen on both versions of Potter, I am going to take the Harry side of the debate as Jewbacca is absolutely clueless about the boy wizard, but his knowledge of Sherman Potter AKA Harry Morgan is extensive and even intimate.

Jewbacca: Truer words have never been spoken Sweaty. I truly know nothing about this Harry Potter I keep hearing about, other than the fact that his girlfriend (He means Hermione.) gets hotter every year. She is legal right?
Jewbacca jail bait

Sweaty Irishman: First off, lets all condescendingly laugh at Jewbacca's lack of Harry Potter relationship knowledge. Now, I don't know what the rules are in the wizarding world, but being that she is still 17, unless you want to end up in Azkaban you should keep your wand in your trousers.

Jewbacca: Ho ho! Azkaban huh? Nice this time of year? I get the gist and I will keep the wand in it's holster and think pure thoughts.

Sweaty Irishman: Well I don't know how pure your thoughts can be when discussing the likes of Sherman T. Potter. You know you can't control yourself or your buffalo bagels. I will start things off by stating that Harry Potter is clearly the number 1 Potter on the market. He has become an icon amongst many generations. 7 best seller books, 5 top box office films with 2 to come. One nude appearance on a London stage not to mention the fact that he scored with that Scottish/Asian witch. Who knew Harry Potter had the yellow fever? The only thing you can say for Sherman Potter was that he like horses and played a coward in High Noon. He did appear nude as well, but in your giant IKEA armoire doesn't count.

Strangely arousing?

Jewbacca: Wait, Scottish/Asian witch? Who is that?? I admit that I have a hard time controlling myself in discussing Sherman T. Potter. When he fires off a "Horse Hockey" or the like I cannot contain my glee. And the fact that he is in my giant IKEA armoir is an issue for me and Sherm to deal with. Now, remember, Sherm also played the wise and learned judge in the Scopes Monkey Trial. He found the were withal and the wisdom to accept the jury's verdict but still only fine Kate's $100. A giant in the world of jurisprudence. And didn't Harry get naked with a horse???

There was actually an image for Horse Hockey!

Sweaty Irishman: Oh, you will hear more about Cho later. I am saving the big guns. I think the best way to handle this is to try and put each Potter in the others situation. How would Sherman handle being ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians and a half Giant with a romantic abnormality towards cold blooded things. Sherman may be a wiz with the equine, but lets see him on a Hippogriff.

Katie Leung: Hot Asian/Celtic Witches (Very specific category)

Jewbacca: Allow me to retort. First off, Sherm would not be ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians. He would glare at them with his steely eyes until they obeyed him. He would not raise his voice, and he would have them casting nothing but homespun spells that bring peace to the police action in Korea. I think it's obvious how he would handle he half-giant situation, and that would be to walk him and pitch to the giraffe. Or is that what he would do with and elephant with three balls? And lastly, he would throw a saddle on the Hippowhasis and ride it like Sophie. It would remind him of his days in the real infantry in WWI.

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, get your fact straight man. He was in the Calvary in WWI. He wore an onion on his belt, which was the fashion of the time. Now, being that I won that part of the argument lets move on to Harry running a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea. All the Hawkeyes, Frank Burns's's's, BJ's (that's what she said), Hot Lips, Klingers and Radars on the 39th parallel could not intimidate Harry Potter! He has faced death several times. Do you think he will have trouble with some zany surgeons and lots of sexual innuendo? I don't. In fact, if Harry had been involved that Police Action would have been over in 24 weeks! Sherman could not even make up his mind what he was! One day he is Colonel of M*A*S*H 4077, the next he is a bigoted General who likes to do soft shoe.

Harry about to kick some North Korean ass!

Jewbacca: I corrected myself by the way about the cavalry thing. You must have gone out for second to read the last page of your new doorstop.

Sweaty Irishman: You corrected the Calvary thing, but you still had the wrong War!

Jewbacca: Now. The little bit I've seen of this Harry Potter fellow, he is usually whining in a Peter Brady-esque cracked voice. He is getting his butt kicked while flying around on a broom or dropping his wand (that's what she said) or using the wrong spell for the occasion. Sherman Potter is unflappable. He rides herd over the 4-0-seven seven with an iron fist inside of a velvet glove. Clearly the bigoted general was his evil twin, so there is no way to hold that against Sherm. He is able to guide and cajole the likes of B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce, Bea Jay Honeycutt, Max Kilinger, Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Frank "Ferret Face" Burns and Charles "Chuck" Winchester into a life saving, life mending force without compare. How many times has Squeaky Potter resected a bowel or removed shrapnel from a spleen? I would guess zero. He was able to get the best out of all of his doctors and still dispense homespun wisdom, grandfatherly care and he was able to trick Klinger into staying in the army on more than one occasion. And for your info, Sherm served on a horse in WWI and as a Doctor in WWII so suck it. Point, Sherm.

Average day at M*A*S*H 4077

Sweaty Irishman: Let me ask you this...who would you rather bang, Cho Chang or Mildred? I disqualify myself cause I done them both!

Jewbacca: I have to give it to Cho Chang over Mildred considering that picture of Mildred on Sherms desk looked like him in drag. So you concede the point to Sherm for who would run the MASH better? Thought so.

Sweaty Irishman: No I am not! Ok, I am. Sherman ran a fine good MASH but Sherman didn't have to deal with the 4077 at it's craziest. Frank Burns, and Five O'Clock Charlie, Spearchucker Jones and MacArthur...all problems Sherman never had to face. It drove poor Henry Blake to his grave! That and the anti-air artillery. Harry has dealt with the meat of the problems at Hogwarts. You try battling bad skin and the dark lord in the same week!

Jewbacca: That's another debate for another day. I think I would have to give it to Blake too, but that is not the issue here. You still haven't dealt with the fact that your boy was naked with a horse. Sherm loves his horses as any old cavalry guy would, but I'm surer than sure he's never been naked with one. Response?

Admittedly disturbing image

Sweaty Irishman: Sherman Potter took golden showers with Sofie. There I said it! I was trying not to drag his name through the mud but you left me no alternative.

Jewbacca: Sir, I cannot abide the depths to which you have dropped. When the old Korean soldier's daughter stole Sophie so that her father could salvage a shred of his pride, but Sherm thought she had run off, he cried real tears. There is no way a battle hardened, war tested US Army Regular Colonel with that much love for a horse would go the golden shower route. You sir are a scoundrel! And you still have not satisfactorily answered why your boy was naked with a horse. For shame!

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, I have thought long and hard (That's what she said) about this. I think I have a convincing closing argument as to why Harry is better than old Sherm. Harry's co-stars - Richard Harris, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Kenneth Brannaugh, Emma Thompson, Jason Isaccs, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Helena Bonham Carter. Sherman's co-stars - Alan Alda, Loretta Switt, Larry Linville, Jamie Farr (the devil), Gary Berghoff, William Christopher, David Ogden Stiers and Lt. Harris from the Police Academy Movies. Your mom was naked with a horse.

Jewbacca: Still no answer for your boy naked with the horse except for the mature mom joke (your mom was the horse). I'll move on and answer your "convincing" closing argument. Feast your eyes on Serman Potter's costars, beyond the obvious: Peter Reigert (Boon!), Rita Wilson, Blythe Danner, James Cromwell, Brian Dennehey, Edward Herrman, Alex Karras, Shelly Long, Jeffrey Tambor, Patrick Swayze, George Wendt. Sherm's co-stars: list of awesomeness that I would love to sit and drink with. Harry's co-stars (except the one that plays his almost legal girlfriend): a list of pasty-white, namby-pamby English wankers. Point Sherm.

Sweaty Irishman: I noticed you slipped Shelly Long in there. Deduct a half a point for that. I can't explain Harry's garment free romp with the horse, but to say you wish you could have done it. I can't do this though. I can't win. I have too much respect for good ole Sherm to say he is second best to anyone! They guy is still alive for craps sake! That should win him the argument right there! This guy was dry humping Mary Pickford while Harry ancestors were getting bombed by a short Austrian guy who's name escapes me. Sherman Potter is the best Potter. He wins. He will never know the money or financial success that Harry has but Sherman dry humped Mary Pickford.

I don't blame you Sherm! Mary is so very!

They made these kind of movies in the silent era?

Jewbacca: While wearing an onion on his belt, as that was the style at the time. I'm glad you see it my way. I'm sure Harry will someday be a good Potter, but for now. SHERMAN POTTER RULEZ!
Sweaty Irishman: Neither one of them hold a candle to Henry Potter from It's a Wonderful Life. Side Note. Sherman T. Potter was played by Henry "Harry" Morgan. Harry Potter, Henry Potter? Coincidence?
Jewbacca: I think not.

Music, Sweet Music, There'll Be Music Everywhere: The XPoNential Music Festival

Friends, I have seen the present/future of music, and it is good.

Where, you ask? Camden, NJ, believe it or not.

This past weekend was the XPoNential Music Festival put on by the best radio station on the planet: "88.5 WXPN Philadelphia, 88.1 WXPH Harrisburg, 90.5 WKHS Whorton-Baltimore Maryland and 104.9 in the beautiful Lehigh Valley...member supported radio from the University of Pennsylvania."

XPN is truly the finest radio station. I guess technically it is classified as Adult Album Alternative, which basically seems to translate to "we're not Clear Channel so we don't have to fit into a certain format like 'Jack' or 'Ben' or 'urban' or whatever." For anyone not in the area listed above (from the station's hourly identification) you can listen to the station itself or one of its other streams here.

So which of the bands did I see and what did I like? Glad you asked. I now present...


The festival opened Thursday night with a single stage smack on the Camden waterfront at Wiggins Park, facing the beautiful Philly skyline. The lineup consisted of

1. Slo-Mo with Mic Wrecka

Unbelievable start to the festivities. Slo-Mo resplendent in his white suit, Mic Wrecka wreckin' the mic. If it's possible to shred the slide guitar, Mr. Mo (Mike Brenner) did just that. The full accompanying band threw down on a quick set that rocked both "Shackamaxon" and "My Buzz Comes Back." Set the tone for a fantastic three days (the fest was four, but I missed Sunday, so no review of the last day....sorry). If any one knows of a better hip-hop/slide guitar combo, please let me know. Otherwise, get thee to a record store and buy everything my these guys.

2. James Hunter

I nearly left the concert alone Thursday night. Mrs. Jewbacca almost went home with Mr. Hunter. He's that good. Imagine a short, white, English, Sam Cooke/Al Green/James Brown mashup and that gets close to how good James Hunter is. He sounds like a 1960s R&B master that someone misplaced for 40-odd years and only now rediscovered. I command all who read this to see him and his band live...now.

3. Tower of Power
Disappointing. We left during the third song.

Friday, saw some hooky playing as me and Mrs. Jewbacca cut the last three periods of the day and went to the fest. This was the first day of the two stages, so I wasn't able to see everything. These bands blew me away though:

1. Eastern Conference Champions

Holy crap. They f'in rocked out. Can't tell you the name of a single song but they all sounded amazing.

2. Sam Roberts Band
These guys flew down from Montreal for their set and flew back right after. More than worth it. They too, rocked out.

3. Special Guest...G Love
Bob Mould was supposed to play the main stage, but didn't make it due to a broken ankle. So, they went to the bullpen and called in G Love. He did a real short set, but sounded great. "Booty Call" and "Cold Beverages" made it into the short set and nearly brought the house down. He said he was working on a new album so keep an eye out.

4. Ruder Than You

Old school ska at its finest. And refreshingly, there were some young 'uns skankin' hardcore. They're getting up there, but they still sounded fantastic.

We finished the night with Cracker (yes, that Cracker), Fountains of Wayne (played on through the mass exodus when they finished "Stacy's Mom") and The Fratellis. Unfortunately, none of them really brought it.

Saturday was another two stage day. The highlights:

1. Hoots and Hellmouth

Wow. They kicked off the main stage with "Want on Nothing." Wow. They almost got swallowed up by the giant stage but still brought down the house with "This Hand is a Mighty Hand." August 3 at Chaplin's in Spring City, PA. I command all in the area to see them there. You owe it to yourselves.

2. Illinois
A side stage surprise. Anytime a heavier sounding band features a lead who rocks the keyboard, the banjo and a fuzztone phone sounding thing all in the same set, I am there. See these guys. Soon.

3. Will Hoge

The surprise of the fest. Black Crowes-esque, with some Skynyrd mixed in for good measure, but definitely greater than the sum of those parts. The future of southern rock is in wonderful hands.

4. The Cat Empire

Incredibly fun. Rocked out "The Car Song" and had the whole park dancing along. Harry plays a mean horn too. Funk, jazz, blues, calypso...you name it it's in there.

5. Los Lonely Boys
Brought the Texican, and brought it fine. Instead of wrapping up with the standard encore (I was expecting "Diamonds" since they didn't play it in the set) the Garza Brothers embarked on a mind blowing jam that even jam-hating Mrs. Jewbacca had to agree was amazing.

Three great days in the sun listening to live music performed without click tracks or any of that crap that lesser talents have to rely upon.

Please check out these artists' web sites and support them. And check out XPN. Especially if you are as tired of corporate radio as I am.

They may have reunited, but they were not invited.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

At Long Last: Honeycomb Hideout Found

I generally do not enjoy the creepy crawlie things that live on this here planet. And flying creepy crawlie things are the worst of this subset.

But it was not with happiness, but a heavy heart that I followed stories of the declining honeybee population. Sure, just because every time I mow my lawn I seem to get stung by a bee who's a little angry about me running over the patch of clover in the backyard that provides many of meals and that honey-making stuff, but still, I understand the need for honeybees in agriculture, etc.

So it is with a great amount of pride in the old homestate of PA that I bring you the following items. It seems that bees aren't actually declining in population, just redeploying to PA en masse. Check it out:

First, this story about a guy who found "tens of thousands" of bees in the walls of his house:

Matthew Danchanko has squatters in his new home. And they won't leave without a fight. They're honeybees — tens of thousands of of them. They buzz through the four-bedroom house, creating a low hum and an estimated 100 pounds of honey.

An estimated 100 POUNDS of honey??? Think of all the HoneyBears that would fill!

Bees? Honey? Wha?

And on the other side of the Commonwealth, this lucky woman managed to escape from:

A swarm of about 10,000 bees that had taken up residence beneath the recliner, where they had formed a football-sized hive.

I don't want to know how they were able to count them all, unless "football-sized" is an apidae-ic unit of measure for 10,000.

Have some, scientists! I was able to solve the whole disappearing bee mystery just by regularly reading the ever wonderful Fark.com, where I was able to find these links. They're not disappearing, they're merely moving to Pennsylvania (now with 100% more Casinos)!

[Note the massive amount of bee-knowledge I dropped. You'd never believe I did a report in 4th grade on honeybees since the girl I had a crush on also chose honeybees. How'd that work out for me you ask? Not well. Her engineer dad "helped" her draw schematics of bees, while my salesman father drove me to the library to plagiarize Encylopaedia Britannica. She got an "O" (our elementary school's version of an "A"). I got an "S-", our school's version of a pat on the head and that look that says "How is this kid going to ever survive without a helmet and constant adult supervision?"]

NOT the girl I had a crush on in fourth grade. Although...I feel a new crush developing...

Monday, July 16, 2007


That's the number I prefer to look at. That's the number of wins that the Philadelphia Phillies have. They've played baseball continuously in this city as the "Phillies" since the 1883 season. They've seen many stadia, countless players good and bad, countless managers good and bad and many owners mostly bad.

When the Phils lost yesterday (10-2, and it wasn't even that close) they also reached that storied plateau of 10,000 losses.

To this, I say: "So what?" 10,000 losses merely proves their longevity as a team.

That's it. Move on.

There's a lot to look forward to in the Phils' future. There's playoffs to miss and bad trades to be made. There's bad decisions to be made by the 100-headed hydra that owns the team.

And tonight, loss No. 10,001. Mark my words. Jamie Moyer vs. Brad Penny? 10,001.

For more, and much better, coverage of this historic occasion, take a long walk up the ramps to The 700 Level

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Past 1, Future 0: Brightness of Future and need to “Gotta" Wear Shades in Doubt

Walking to physical therapy yesterday showed me something special. People don’t know what time it is. Normally that’s just the world. But sometimes the little things break me, especially since it is 2007.

Thanks, asshole.

What is not fine or special is every Axe-doused or Fendi-toting re-re walking around with 1970 style mirrored sheriff sunglasses with the swagger that says, boum chickie-boum boum. On one walk smack jobs had 32 pairs on, no lie.

One or two I can take.

At least the era of leather Africa medallions in Philadelphia (1985-1991,) gaudy mode that it was, contained a powerful point (in my High School at least.) The white, college-prep Catholic school dress code was trumped by young African identity and hung unchallenged on razor ties from first period to the subway home… and nobody could issue a demerit about it. Word up and I’m with that.

Q: What happens when Lenny Kravitz suffers violent blunt trauma to the head?

A: This guy

But these sunglasses? That's what you do with your time? This is the kind of “buying the cool” purchase all dopy white people like Donald Rumsfeld would be convinced is truly kick-ass, as he picked up a pair at a turnpike rest stop along with a Diet Dr. Pepper and the latest issue of Hiney. America, you are all a bunch of sheep and defintly not porn stars. None of you would dare attempt real eyewear on your own, especially when you were actually making an original statement in the process.

My Direct Command: Go big, get off the 70's jock, be strong and wear Kool Moe Dee eyewear.

The man asked you a question... I suggest you answer him.

Strange Harmonic Convergences in Philly Indoor Winter Sports

DISCLAIMER: As some of you know, I HATE basketball. Especially NBA basketball. So I will offer very little analysis of the basketball side of this Harmonic Convergence doo-hickey. Thank you.

When I was a lad of about 13 or 14, a strange happening...umm...happened with the Philadelphia NHL and NBA franchises. Both the Flyers and the Sixers employed young men by the name of "Derrick Smith" and although the Sixers' version spelled his name wrong (Derek Smith) they were pronounced in an identical fashion.

I had no trouble finding this picture. I also had no trouble not even attempting to find one of the Sixers' D. Smith. Who cares? He plays basketball.

Having two teams that had a player that shared the same name also share the Spectrum and occasionally even play on the same day there, was a very interesting phenomenon to young Jewbacca.

Now the Sixers have drafted? traded for? stolen? bought on eBay? somehow acquired a player by the name of Jason Smith. And lo and behold, in a cosmic event that seems to happen every 19 years or so, the Flyers have gone out and traded for a player by the name of.....Jason Smith! Imagine the odds. Two sets of Jasons playing for the tenants of the Wachovia Center, sometimes there on the same day, and both have the last name Smith.

Is this cosmic event a harbinger of good? Or is it a harbinger of bad?

Let's look at the 1988-1989 and 1989-1990 seasons, the last time the two indoor winter teams had players sharing the same name:

Derrick Smith joined the Flyers from his OHL team, the Peterborough Petes in 1984-1985. In the first of the two Harmonic Convergence seasons, hockey's Mr. Smith played 74 games, scoring 16 goals and ending up with 30 points and 43 PIM. In the second mystical season he played 55 games, scoring 3 goals and ending up with 9 points and 32 PIM. The Mr. Smith that played that other sport somehow arrived in Philly and played 36 games in 88-89 and 75 in 89-90 and did some stuff statistically (I looked it up and I realized that I could not care less what all those abbreviations met, suffice it to say: he did things).

In lieu of a picture of basketball's Derek Smith, enjoy Snoopy and Chuck Brown high-fiving.

How did this wondrous event of having two D. Smiths in town in the same year help the teams? The Flyers in 88-89 were 36-36-8 and made it to the Wales Conference Finals where they lost to eventual Stanley Cup runners-up Les Habitants. The Sixers that same year were swept in the first round of the playoffs by some team from New York. The Flyers in 89-90 were 30-39-11 and missed the playoffs. The Sixers that same year were 53-29 and lost in the Eastern Semis to some team named the Bulls or something to that effect.

So how does all this Harmonic Convergence stuff involving two Derrick (Derek) Smiths playing in the Spectrum during the same two seasons and two Jason Smiths also playing together in Philly during the same season affect anything? And what does this upcoming season's incarnation of the same name two teams phenomenon have in store for the Sixers and the Flyers?

I haven't the foggiest.

Thanks to The Internet Hockey Database and this place for the stats.

Can't argue that the Sixers' Dance Team could beat the Flyers' Delta Dental Ice Team (or whatever they're called) in a hot-off.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Jessica: Built for one thing and one thing only: pure stank.

Like many true Friendly Friends you know, I arrested my development during the 70’s and 80’s. If I learned anything from that time it’s this:

The Dukes of Hazzard blew people’s minds and they couldn’t handle it.

What does that have to do with wafting stardom?

If Hollywood is Hell then this woman manages to keep her hair (and shirt) shiny and full of bounce by wallowing in slushy pools of liquid methane, choked with the corpses of Duke fans, payment for the dark evil she unleashed into a god-loving world of bridge- jumping ’69 Chargers and the perfect Daisy Duke Catherine Bach (see Real Women, below.) But we don’t need to get all Dante up in this mug to know that the truth probably stinks in the mortal world, (performances aside) suffice it to say her desecration makes me herniate pure kill energy right out of my hiney.

And with that we arrive at Jessica Simpson.

Many summers ago, while sleep-walking, I dreamt I was holding Jessica in a soft embrace, not aware that I had ended up in the polar bear exhibit at the Philadelphia Zoo. As the polar bear confusedly returned my gentle embrace I was unconsciously shown what Jessica must smell like: white-hot, wet polar fur and the cloying, salty musk of briny, standing birdbath water. I had the impression of cold chicken soup or maybe the salt-lick signature of a scrotum-like newborn bird. The polar bear suddenly jetted hot bear urine through my corduroy pants (bonus effect) when I awoke suddenly and issued a muffled scream into it’s trembling solar plexus, completing my olfactory dance with Ms. Simpson with a zesty-smelling tranquilizer dart for both myself and the bear, compliments of Philadelphia’s finest.

When I awoke in the prosecutor’s office I realized I would never sniff Jessica the same way again, having seen the light in a large bear’s shadow, having danced with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

She's the best... rear end of story.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things.
Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#986 - The Rock the Cradle of Love Video Girl

I have never been particularly fond of Billy Idol. And I don't even particularly like this song.

But this Definitive 1000 entry is not Billy Idol or the song Rock the Cradle of Love, it is for the Rock the Cradle of Love Video Girl.

I distinctly remember being home from school, sick, and watching MTV all day long waiting to see this video [Ed. Note: This was when MTV had something called a rotation and they actually showed videos all day] every single time it was played. The one and only reason was to see this girl trash the annoying yuppie's over-sized apartment in her spandex pants and bra. Man. She is one of the hottest girls ever and this is still one of the hottest videos.

That is pretty amazing when you consider your run of the mill glorification of thug life rap video features women gyrating a lot more, wearing a hell of a lot less. The annoyingly brain-rotting Pussycat Dolls wear less. Hell, even punk grrl Avril Lavigne wears less now (even though she bad mouthed Britney Spears and the like for showing too much skin). The RTCOL video girl is dressed like a nun compared to all of these girls. And yet....she's hotter. I can't explain it, but she is.

So where is Ms. RTCOL? According to VH1's "Where Are They Now: Video Vixens":

Betsy Lynn George used every sexy contortionist move she knew in Billy Idol’s “Cradle of Love”. She now teaches young girls her techniques—in gymnastics classes.

Apparently her name is Betsy Lynne George. A quick Internet search also turned up that Ms. George has taken a turn waaaaay out into left field and is (or was at one point at least)ensnared in the net that is Scientology.

I guess that might happen when your post-hot-video-girl career included such fare as In The Heat of Passion II: Unfaithful, Petticoat Planet and Lurid Tales: The Castle Queen. Thanks IMDB.com!

So let us remember her as the lithe, nubile, non-Scientologist that she was here:

And here:

Oh, and here:

And, finally, here:

And not the Tom Cruise (Happy 45th by the way, freak) worshipping, gymnastics teaching old maid mature woman she appears to have morphed into: