Monday, April 30, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#994- Bollywood

I am a straight man and I don’t mind saying that based on my favorite porn vendor Telemundo, latino women are generally incredibly hot and the men, at least in a broadcasting capacity, not so much. I’m secure enough to make those calls. But the entertainment is sizzling. Even the kid’s programming has T&A which I find disturbing as a parent and ok as a pig.

So who brings the game to another level? India. Why? Class.

I’m a die hard fan of Bollywood, the musically-powered South Asian alliance of moviemakers that presents the world with as many musicals/garish displays as the guy I was stuck next to on the streetcar in San Fran last week.

India media (or Indeedia) proves to the world that the women of India can be at once the most physically striking and sonically threatening of all female bipeds ever in our evolution and every bit an answer to Hollywood, without tons of violence and sex. These women turn the Hollywood-esqe industry from juggernaught to juggy-naughty without the need to get Richard Gere involved, which is actually true with him in every case anyway. In fact those women just show up and you bask in their beauty/talent, forget lurid scenes and amazing nudity. Maybe hit mute when the singing starts, though. It’s an acquired taste, that. At least stretch first.

The men? Well, there is a price to pay for everything. As a man I feel like I’d have a shot with those impossibly gorgeous women and I know I dance better than those guys. Still, the power of India’s music cannot be stopped and barely contained.

If you cannot get your hands on any fine India export (I mean video/audio!) at least tune into Namaste America for a rock block of music videos direct from theatres; an hour program usually shows about 1.5 music videos, btw. That says a lot about the product.

Failing that, here are two of my older favorites from Youtube that prove how you can’t front on India entertainment:
Celebrating the release of Spider Man 3:

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Please, Please, Please Let This Be True...

Dear God,

I don't ask you for much. Well at least not too often. And I do apologize for not building all of those temples in your honor for that "favor" back in '03.

But please, kind sir/ma'am/non-categorizable mass of energy and light let this story from be true:

Thorne said on the air, while the Orioles were batting in the fifth, that he'd been told by Sox catcher Doug Mirabelli that was not blood, but paint, on the sock Schilling wore during Game 6 of the 2004 American League Championship Series against the Yankees. It was done for the public relations effect, Thorne said

Anything to deflate the infinitely annoying, arrogant and generally unable to be dealt with "Red Sox Cult Nation" is ok in my book.

If you can see you're way to making this happen I promise to never ask you for anything again. At least until the next time the Flyers make the postseason.

Thanks in advance,

P.S. Perhaps the_undercover_pissah would care to show his bald Massachusetts head and weigh in from the front lines?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

One More of My Favorite Pursuits in Life Will Now Kill Me

First it was drinking, then it was paint huffing, then it was juggling live badgers and now comes this great news out of Canada:

As barbecue season gets underway, a new study suggests a class of toxic chemicals released by grilling, broiling and frying meat may increase the risk
for life-threatening diseases.

Dr. Helen Vlassara says her study found the toxic products are linked to inflammation, heart disease, diabetes, and kidney disease. "Advanced glycation end products," also known as AGE products or AGEs, are produced and absorbed into the body when meat or cheese is cooked at high temperatures, or foods are sterilized or pasteurized, researchers at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York said.

Sweet Jeebus! I try to grill almost every night when it's warm. And it does usually involve meat and cheese.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This Place Really Bugs Me

That's right folks, this place bugs the Dickens out of me. And by this place I mean the world itself. Let us delve into another edition of Jewbacca's Four Questions. And no double dipping the bitter herb, if you know what I'm saying....

1.Has anyone noticed the double standard in effect with media coverage of the various wars and the Virginia Tech tragedy?

I read an article in the paper today about an Army Staff Sergeant serving our country in Afghanistan who questioned why flags over there were lowered for the victims of the VT shooting but they aren't for soldiers killed there. I cannot agree with him more. There is no reason why the flags shouldn't fly at half staff for fallen soldiers as it did for the victims of VT. I have no quibble with this.
But that got me to thinking about the general media coverage of the two. Repeatedly, pictures were broadcast and printed showing victims of the shootings in various stages of bloody disrepair and distress. But long ago the president who has offered various justifications for an unjust war decreed that the media could not broadcast images of the flag draped coffins of those killed in the "just" war. So even though the soldiers coming back in coffins had died fighting in a so-called justified and blessed war, we as media consumers can't handle seeing flag-draped coffins.
Why is that? Probably because it would more rapidly mobilize opposition to the war.
The soldiers who died and are sent back in boxes deserve to have flags flown at half-staff and deserve to have pictures of their return broadcast to remind us of the tragedy that is the bungled mess we've made of the middle east just as much as the innocent victims of the Blacksburg shootings. And that is the double standard of which I speak.

At the very least, we could remember that people are actually dying in Iraq and Afghanistan

2.Why do Philly sports fans feel the need to boo EVERYTHING?
Now, I am one of them. I am a Philly sports fan. Have been my whole life. And I've done my share of booing. I've booed the mites between periods of the Flyers and I've booed bad calls. But why do we do this? I was listening to the Phils tonight on the radio on the way home and heard the "faithful" booing both Ryan Howard for striking out and a dude who had the audacity to drop a foul ball hit to the stands. By the way, the Phils won. And the season is less than a month old. And the Phils have won four straight.'s time to boo!
On a side note, it may not break the Curse of Billy Penn, but the Kixx did win the MISL (or whatever they call it) Championship. Congrats.

I swear on all that is holy, put "Philly Sports Fan" in a GIS and this is what you get. Got your backs FFMatt and Sweaty.

3.How are the oil companies allowed to charge what they do for gas?
I'm soooooo very tired of the standard reasons: plant maintenance, Hurricane Katrina, expensive additives, unrest in oil producing regions, etc. Why not just level with us: They charge what they do because they can. We have no choice. The CEOs of the oil companies have gotten used to record breaking profits quarter after quarter so why stop? They could charge the mythical $4.00 per gallon tomorrow with no actual justification and we'll keep paying. We are sheep, the oilmen have no incentive to develop vehicles that run on a renewable energy source and we'll pay whatever they say.
And don't give me corn based fuels as a panacea. The amount of energy and fertilizer that will go into producing the volume of corn we'll need will probably pollute the planet beyond if we just kept using fossil fuels.

An American Beauty pumps her own gas??

4.How does one explain the existence of Dick Cheney without the accompaniment of the actual Apocalypse?
No seriously. Someone please explain this to me. I don't get it.

And that concludes the Seder. Good luck finding the afikomen!

Find this puppy and my Nana was good for at least a buck.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

So it Goes.

The title of this blog seemed appropriate for the events that have preceded it during the last week. If you aren't familiar with it, let me fill you in...

From Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five:

'When a Tralfamadorian sees a corpse, all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is 'So it goes'.''

The horrible incident at Virginia Tech this week was a tragic and unfortunate reminder of the culture that we live in and of the affect one disturbed and twisted individual can have on our society. Whatever the motive was behind this is moot. Nothing can justify the actions of that person. I will not even dignify the person behind this by mentioning their name. Of course this underscores the crime and lack of gun control in the United States, but that discussion is for another time, another blog. Talk about that now would overshadow the memory of the victims and their families at a time when they need the support and assistance from everyone.

Not much can be said about what happened. It cannot be changed, only reflected upon and learned from.

"The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies, he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments, past, present and future always have existed, always will exist. The Tralfamadorians can look at all the different moments just the way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever."

In memory of all the victims of the Virginia Tech Shootings.

Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#995 - Tracy Morgan is "Jefferson"

Wow, what can I say. I hope all of you watch 30 Rock, or at least watched last weeks episode. Tracy Morgan put together his own "Preview" of a movie he wants NBC to financially back. It is a Biographical film about Thomas Jefferson. I am not sure if I have ever seen a funnier minute and ten seconds on television. If you would like to view this awesomeness just click on the video below.

I am not sure if it was the horse named "Caractacus", or maybe the slaves with the Blue Tooth technology...all I know is I could barley breath I was laughing so hard. Pay close attention to the very authentic French accent Tracy uses in the film. Unfortunately it was not during a Louisiana Purchase segment. No, it was his impersonation of King George. For all you non-history buffs out there, that would be the King of England. Such comedic perfection does not come along every day, so when it does I feel it needs to be recognized. What better way to do so then to enshrine it for all time on The Definitive 1000!

"Live" Blog: Preds-Sharks the Third

And we're back. Happy 2007 Tax Day.

12:03 am- It's 2-1 Sharks. Let's see how quickly they go trap.

12:05- So it's actually pronounced Gotch, even though it's spelled Goc. Not a hard C. Oh well. At least that doesn't rhyme with anything bad like notch, watch and botch.

12:06- Who in sam hill does JP Dumont think he is? And why is he mic'ed up? And why didn't he apologize for costing me a fantasy hockey season years back. He had to know I was watching this game. I mean, how many people are up after midnight watching the NHL on Versus...besides me and his momma!

12:07- That's right. I went mom joke on JP Dumont. I'd do it again too.

12:08- I feel terrible about going mom joke on Dumont. I take it back. I'm sure she's a nice LAYdy. Tee-hee.
12:10- Vokoun is singlehandedly keeping the Preds in this. The Sharks haven't gone trap and are still bringing it.

12:11- And here comes the makeup calls. I guess they'll justify calling the Sharks for goaltender interference since a Shark checked a Pred and he hit his own goalie. And in Africa a butterfly just flapped his wings, stirring up a minuscule breeze that sent dust particles into the atmosphere, that will travel out over the ocean, that will cause a storm to build, that will become a hurricane, that will be the excuse for the terrible gas I have right now. I always blame it on someone else. Usually the cat, but this time, I'm using the Butterfly Effect.

This is the best I could do without including Ashton Kutcher

12:14- If the Preds aren't careful, they're going to give up a shorthanded goal here.

12:18- Forsberg getting dissed. He's just not doing it for the Preds. I guess when the Sharks' third line cycles the puck nonstop in the Preds end and eat up minutes (only 9 left) someone needs to step up and it might as well be Forsberg.
12:21- Brian Engblom has great hockey hair.

12:22- I never want to see my goalie look behind him, like Nabokov just did.

12:23- 8:00 left, is it just me or are the Preds just sort of standing around waiting for the horn?

12:26- Beezer keeps wondering who will step up for the Preds. He asked if Kariya or Forsberg will do it. But now, he seems to have his answer, Alex Radulov the guy who is handily suspended for this game. So Foppa and Paul, you're off the hook. Beezer will await Radulov to step it up to win this one for the Preds.

12:27- Hamhuis is another great name. Pronounced "Ham-USE" it makes me think of all of the wonderful things we can do with pork. And it makes me hungry for bacon.

Jewbacca's favorite ham-use, which is somewhat counterintuitive given his name

12:28- Jack Links commercial, Messin' with Sasquatch. Is the passenger the guy from The State? If it is, who did he piss off to be left out of Reno 911 and Stella?

That's him Mr. Sasquatch, upper right.

12:30- 5:15 left. I am fading fast. I am Jewbacca's shriveling attention span.

12:32- SCORE! Bill Guerin makes it 3-1 Sharks. That should be it. The Sharks actually are keeping up the pressure. Awesome deflection. There's a -1 for Forsberg.

12:33- Guerin still looks weird in teal. And he looks sad since Patrick Marleau got the goal.

12:34- What exactly were they reviewing there? My previous blog entries for this game?

12:35- 3 minutes left. Is there garbage time in the playoffs? Ooof, that was a nasty high stick that the announcers missed. "Inadvertent?" Arnott looked like he was trying to do a Tim "Dr. Hook" McCracken on that dude.

12:39- Wow, the Sharks completely shut down the Preds without the trap and actually added a goal. Ten seconds left.

12:40- And that's the game. Join us here next time for another "Live" blogcast of the NHL Playoffs. Now I'm just going to curl up here on the couch and sleep it off. If I have to see one more ESurance commercial I may kill someone.

12:42- For the love of god, would one of those idiot robots finally crush Erin Esurance? They're as inept as the robots I controlled playing Mutant League Football on the old Sega Genesis. The Sweaty Irishman used to kill me every time.

Click here for the "Live" coverage of the second period...
Click here for the "Live" coverage of the first period...

Monday, April 16, 2007

"Live" Blog: Sharks-Preds: Period Deux

11:07pm- Welcome back sports fans. Settle in for period number 2.

11:08- Quick recap as it gets a bit chippy about 2 minutes in. 1-0 Preds. There. All recapped.

11:09- According to the announcing crew, Suter is being opportunistic. Just like the ladies in that Young MC song.

Some girls are sadistic, materialistic/Lookin for a man makes them opportunistic

11:10- Did Forsberg really just throw a punch? After watching the replay I might too if I had gotten dumped like that. And somehow, since he punched the black guy, they both go to the box.

11:11- Nice save by the post on that one, with help from Nabokov. 4 on 4 with 16:00 left in the second.

11:13- (14:54 left) I felt that slash by Suter. Now how opportunistic was that?

11:14- While watching the replay of the Preds shot that hit the post, Beezer tried to give credit to Nabokov and sounded sad when he realized it did hit the post. Once a goalie, always a goalie.

11:15- According to Beezer, if you can see the puck, you can stop the puck. What a delightfully simple philosophy. Can I use that when I play Powerball next time? If I can see the Powerball, I can win the Powerball.

11:21- What'd I miss? I had to go reeeeaaaalllll bad. Still 1-0.

11:22- Strike that....SCORE!!!!! (11:22 left in the period, how's that for synchronicity?) Sharks tie it up. On my way up the steps to the little Jewbacca's room, I heard Beezer say that Vokoun was putting on a clinic. I guess you would call that jinxing him?

11:26- Sharks on their 4th power play. That's all the PPs in this game. They need to convert on one. Or allow a dogpile on their goalie in his own crease. Whichever.

11:29- And there you go. Not exactly on the PP but the Sharks...SCORE! 7:42 left in the second. That must have been the worst clinic ever that Vokoun was putting on. Shortside? Hug the post man, hug the post! 2-1 Sharks.

11:32- I agree with Beezer. When a guy gets a pass like that and is going in all alone, and that guy is Bill Guerin, you need to hogtie him, McGeough be damned.

11:33- Preds, when you're killing a penalty, you generally don't want to crosscheck a guy. Is it just me, or does Trotz look like a long lost Teutel brother. Shouldn't he be welding stuff in upstate NY?


11:34- 5 on 3 for the Sharks for just over 1 minute. Now 5 on 4 for 44 seconds. I can't take the pressure. And it's just getting ratcheted up with "Crazy Train" playing over the PA.

11:37- PP over. It looks like Vokoun may have been rehired for that clinic.

11:38- Ok. It's that Dodge commercial with the truck falling through the Earth and coming out in China. Now, ignoring for a second all of the stuff the truck passes inside the Earth's crust and core, wouldn't the truck keep falling straight up into the sky when it got to China? This has bothered me for years now. If I dig a hole all the way through to China, and I jump in, I fall, right? Really, really fast? Like 9.8 meters per second squared right? Then wouldn't I just shoot into space on the other side? And why not? If you're falling and there's nothing to stop you, wouldn't you hurtle into space with all the momentum built up falling that far? These things keep me up at night.

11:40. Stoppage with 2:38 left. They want me to look at JP Dumont. I refuse. He screwed me a few years back in fantasy hockey.

11:42- Forsberg wants to go with Thornton? Where was this fire when he played for the Flyers?

11:43- Nashville finally gets a PP. If a guy slashed my goalie's stick out of his hand I would beat him like Don Imus.

11:45- Period Deux fin. Be back in a little bit.

Click here for the "Live" coverage of the first period...
Click here for the "Live" coverage of the third period...

Here's the Guy Watching Versus: A "Live" Blog of the Preds-Sharks Game 3

Hello sports fans! It is 10:06 pm here on the East Coast and it can only mean one thing: NHL Playoff time!

I am going to do my best to bring this excitement to you in real-time. Unfortunately I am an idiot savant when it comes to this stuff so it may not actually be real time, but close enough...

You, dear readers, get to be the guy I'm watching the game with, since Mrs. Jewbacca doesn't get most of the jokes anyway.

10:08pm- Hmmm, Isles-Sabres still. Ok. 2:25 left in the 3rd, desperation time for the Isles.

10:09- Toni Lydman needs to get off the ice? To figure out why his name is pronounced Lood-man?

10:10- Nice play Robitaille. Glad the Flyers traded you for Mike York. Actually, not sure who got the best of that. On the replay, maybe Robitaille has a point there. A phantom penalty at best.

10:11- Wow. Stay classy Long Island. Nothing your team wants to see more than crap on the ice with 1:34 left. Hey Islander fans - you know the penalty clock doesn't run while the Ice Girls clean all that trash up, right?

10:13- Glad I'm missing the Preds-Sharks to listen to announcer banter.

10:15- Blake "finished" Talinder? Yikes.

10:16- All right. Let's get to the better game. Hope it's the CBC coverage. But wait another one of those "You Wouldn't Make it in the NHL Commercials." Thank goodness for that. This is the weaker one with the guy trying to get off the bench. I like the locker room one better. Especially when the scrawny dude gets shoulder checked walking out.

10:18- Now we're talking. Unfortunately, it's VS coverage. I had no idea John Vanbiesbrouck was an announcer.

10:19- (15:30 left in the 1st)Barry Trotz. Tee-hee.

10:21- Damn, Tootoo can hit. Ehroff ran him and ended up taking the worst of it.

10:23- I think Nabokov is vastly underrated as a goalie. You hear a lot about that Lolita stuff, but not too much about his goaltending stats. I don't know about you, but with all of the fuss in this world about being PC, he should focus on hockey and not on trying to get into the pantaloons of a 12 year old girl.

10:25- Wow. I had no idea. According to Wikipedia, that's a different Nabokov. Good for him.

10:26- Goc. That's a tough last name. If only it didn't rhyme with lock, rock or tick tock (and you don't stop).

10:27- Has there been a better name matchup than Tootoo vs. Cheechoo? I'm not sure.

10:29- Forsberg's playing? Glad to see they finally found a skate for him. Maybe it was that Swedish sandal maker friend of his that did what no orthopaedic specialist or multi-nation sporting good company or all the foot and ankle doctors in the world couldn't do. Why didn't the Flyers just go to a Swedish flip-flop maker first? Maybe we would have kept Forsberg and not gotten the 1st overall pick in the entry draft. Oh wait....

10:31- Hmmm. Comcast commercial with Cal Ripken Jr. I guess that's why my cable bill goes up every month. They're paying ol' Cal a buttload of money I guess. True story- I saw Cal Ripken in front of the All-Star Cafe that is (used to be?) in Times Square. I played it cool and just nodded. He just nodded back. And he was probably thinking, "Great. Another freakin' idiot who thinks I'm Cal Ripken Jr. If only I wasn't cursed with such chiseled good looks. If only the world knew that Clarence Thudpucker IV had an iron-man streak of his own...if you know what I mean."

10:33- Someone tell Radulov to take his mouthguard out. He's not playing. Aww, and he apologized. They should end his suspension right now and let him play. That's all I had to do to get sprung from my room after beating up my little brother. Mama Jewbacca would say I had to stay in there until I could act like a big boy and apologize. So, apologize I would. That Atari 2600 in the living room wasn't going to play itself.

10:34- SCORE! Predators 1, Sharks 0. Wow. That was some beautiful passing. Maybe Nabokov should take up writing. he was barely in the same end as that shot. I had Dumont on a fantasy team years ago and he did bupkis for me. But I'll give him that pass. We used to practice stuff like that on the street in front of the house with a trashcan in the net. Never looked that nice. About 7 minutes left in the first.

10:38- VS keeps playing that commercial about Crosby not cracking under the pressure, but I saw him play junior hockey against the Lewiston Maineiacs of the QMJHL in Lewiston, Maine and all he did was whine after almost every play to the refs. Made him a true fan favorite.

10:40- That's not a penalty. He was in the neutral zone. And the refs got it right! Of course, they blew the penalty on that last Sharks breakaway. Oh. McGeough is one of the refs. Expect him to lose control soon.

10:45- (1:01 left in the first) Preds are playing this kill nicely.

10:47- According to Vanbiesbrouck, Voukon is at his best when he's eating pucks. I sure hope that's an old goalie cliche.

10:48- What the hell was Hannan just doing to Forsberg. If that's not a penalty it's at least illegal in 27 states.

10:49- End of the first period. Come back and join me for the second. I can't handle the between period stuff.

Click here for the "Live" coverage of the second period...
Click here for the "Live" coverage of the third period...

I Really Don't Know What to Say

On an extremely serious note, we wish to express our sincerest condolences and send our deepest prayers to all of those effected by the events at Virginia Tech earlier today.

I truly do not know what to say about what happened. I can't imagine what the families of the victims and the other students, faculty, staff and anyone else connected to the school are going through. Maybe one of the other Friends can offer a more fitting tribute, but I am at a loss for words.

Correspondent Challenge The Fourth: More Annoying: People From Boston or Boston the Band

So. It all comes down to this. The epic struggle has been well joined and well fought by both Shamalama and pissah. Well, more better fought by Shamalama, but that is just the opinion of, pretty much everyone.

We were just another band out of Boston, on the road and trying to...ah screw it.

Here is the fourth and final battle between these titans of text, these behemoths of banter, these mountains of the monologue these...well, see for yourself:

From the_undercover_pissah:

Well Brad Delp just swallowed the seed of the silver cylinder, so the Band Boston just got 20% less annoying. 40% less annoying if you figure in all his Vegan, animal rights cr@p . So I'd say the people and the band are about even now.

Wait, I stand corrected. I thought I remember hearing Delp had shot himself. Nope, he lit a charcoal grill in a closed room and died of carbon monoxide poisoning. What does a Vegan need a grill for anyway?

The Band Boston is now twice as annoying as the people of Boston. And that's an accomplishment when you talk about a region that allows people to drive in the break-down lane, rather than build bigger roads. That's right, you actually have to merge across a lane of insane jack-arses who are usually driving 15-20 mph faster then the people in the slow lane just to get onto the highway. And to top it off, if you expect to exit said highway, you better have good shocks and be willing to join the insanity. Otherwise, you'll get stuck with a train of people passing you as your futilely try turn into the exit ramp.

According to my search, these are "Boston Nightclub Hotties." Are they hot? I don't know. Are they annoying, most likely.

And from Shamalama:

Seeing as though the Band Boston originated before I did, and also I have never been to Boston I will stereotype each into two categories from what I've learned through the internets, moviefilms as well as classic rock stations.

Gay All Male Harmonizers or Matt Damon and Ben Affleck "R" Dropping Irishmen...

Which do I dislike more?

After summarizing it that way, do we have to have either?

Holy cow. pissah really offers a well-thought, thoroughly sane opinion. You can almost feel the rage that courses through him as he sets out on his commute each day. He didn't go for the cheap accent thing or the whole tunnel collapse or even the "we found some Lite-Brites with a small cartoon character flipping us the bird, let's shut down the city" thing. For my money I would have gone with the goddam Sawx and how I can't take another baseball season of having that crap shovelled down my throat. Didn't they pay $52 million just to talk to some Japanese pitcher? So how are they different from the Yankees? But I digress.

The_undercover_pissah truly weighed the two options and made a very informed decision.

Unfortunately, he loses. Shamalama got the answer 100% correct. Sorry pissah, looks like the final is 4-nil for Shamalama.

Shamalama, you are the big winner of the Correspondent Challenge! Our official prize giver-outer, The Sweaty Irishman, is on his way to your home with your prize. Hope you've had a tetanus booster recently!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Shamalama - A Memoir...

King of Kings. Jack of all trades. A cultured, sophisticated... MAN ABOUT TOWN!

Who is Shamalama? What makes him tick?

The year, 1981. A moment that would forever change the History books. An event that would redefine "Cool".

The setting, Orlando, FL. Fast forward 5 years.

I begin my education. I laugh, I love, I learn. I make my mark.

MayDay King. My reward... a solid gold Burger King crown and a suit from Sears.

Again we move forward.

Little League -- my illustrious career overshadowed by the stat, 0 homeruns. I decide not to go pro. Baseball isn't ready for me. At least that's what I tell myself.

On to Tennis. I coulda went pro... but the Sweaty Irishman took out his losing streak on my lucky racquet and my ankle. On to plan "C".

What was plan "C" again?

Present Day. Still in Florida. I hate beaches, the location and the movie. I hate lightning. I love cold weather. Its a land of retirees, transplants and crappy drivers. Very few natives anymore. I think its smallpox that's finishing off my people.

I'm a Cubs fan, but only been to Chicago once. I'm a Redskins fan, sorta. I love movies. I like to disagree with everything just for the hell of it.

I'm married and have two boys. How my wife puts up with me I do not know. My boys are as crazy as I am which is cool. Keeps everyone on their toes.

That's pretty much me in a nutshell. Portions of this telecast not affecting the outcome have been edited out. This introduction has been edited to fit your screen.

In parting...


Sweaty Irishman Thoughts

The Definitive 1000 is a Death Sentence!

In case no one has heard, and I doubt you have...Roscoe Lee Browne, the voice of Box the Robot (#1000 on the list) died yesterday at the age of 81. As I was the one who put him on the list, I feel responsible for his death. Sure, some people may say it was his advanced age, or perhaps it was the cancer that did it. I say those people are crazy! It is as clear to me as it should be to anyone. The definitive 1000 is deadly! His blood is on my keyboard! Watch out Mandy Patinkin and Angelina Jolie! I am not worried about Funk. Funk will never die! Ok, I just had to get that off my chest. The rest of you Friendly Friends better think long and hard about who or what you want on the Definitive 1000. It will be on your conscience for the rest of your lives. That being said, I think I will add Celine Dion to the list and wait for the authorities.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Things That Bother Me

I know this may seem somewhat hackneyed, but I am truly filled with much rage a lot of the time. It is usually over stupid things, but these stupid things manage to stick in my craw until I go on a kill-crazy rampage and end up getting tasered....again.

I find that spouting them off really helps. Problem is, if I do that to Mrs. Jewbacca one more time she will probably be the one tasering me. So here are my latest gripes, in a handy Four Questions format. And no I don't know why this night is different from all other nights. It ain't Passover anymore.

In no particular order:

1. Since when do sponsors no longer "sponsor" things?

How exactly does Home Depot "build" College Gameday on the "worldwide leader?" Does the crew from the local HD come out to the various stadia in one of those rip-off rental trucks with some plywood and the animatronic Lee Corso and actually hammer together the set? Does the HD have a video production unit I'm not aware of? Why can't HD just sponsor this waste-of-time show like the good old days. Another example is the website for the upcoming ATHF movie. I love the Aqua Teens. They are number one in the hood 'G, but how exactly does Volkswagen "power" the movie's website? Is the server hooked up to surplus V-Dub engines? Again, VW may be the sponsor of the website, but how does it power the website? A local radio station here has commercials for a new online car shopping site that is also powered by something other than's powered by CBS Radio? WTF? How does an entertainment/communications/media conglomerate power a car buying website? It doesn't. Just say it's sponsored by CBS Radio. There are countless more examples, each one chipping away at my sanity a little bit.

2. If my beloved Flyers finish as the worst team in the NHL, how do they manage to only get the second pick in the draft?
I know the mechanics, I know how the lottery works, I knew the percentages going in and I know that the 2007 Entry Draft Class is not on par with recent years. I know all of this and more. But still, how does the worst overall team not have a 99.999% chance of getting the first pick? Again, I understand the notion that certain teams may tank games at the end of the season to grab a better pick, but so what? If a team is in a position to even be able to tank at the end for the sake of a better pick, then obviously the season didn't really go as well as planned, eh? So giving every non-playoff team a chance to move up five spots isn't really going to make much of a difference. Take away the lottery and a team isn't going to go out and play poorly just to draft first overall. Maybe when the season is mathematically headed for the outhouse they won't play as hard, but they will continue to call up minor leaguers and sign their Major Junior prospects whose teams missed the playoffs to give them some exposure to the AHL or the NHL. This always helps a team to some extra L's as the season winds down. And don't give me the league makes money off the lottery like the NBA argument. The NHL lottery is held behind closed doors at league headquarters.

First Overall Pick, Hockey-Hair Draft, 1989

3. How does John Mayer = alternative music?

My musical tastes range pretty far and wide. Mostly I listen to a few tried and true artists and groups (The Beatles, BNL, DMB, Elvis Costello, Bowie, U2) and one radio station (WXPN 88.5...holla) for my musical needs but I do enjoy the occasional country-jazz-rap-classical fusion song. In the car I enjoy the so-called "shock jocks" (O&A, Kidd Chris), but during their interminable commercials I tend to float a bit on the dial. I usually hit XPN and then move on if it's not doing it for me. I saw a billboard for something called "Skin Radio" on 1340 AM in my local broadcast area. This is supposedly "alternative music." During commercial breaks in the talk shows listed above I checked this station out. According to them alternative radio is "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden circa 1994, "Everything Zen" by Bush circa (oddly enough) 1994 and....John Mayer's latest assault on the eardrums. And it's in full specturm, high-fidelty AM sound! Can music peddlers please never say the term alternative again? Needless to say my AM dial will only be used for news, baseball and hockey broadcasts from here on out.

I swear this came up in a Google Image Search for "John Mayer"

4. Why do people feel the need to post rants on blogs? I mean, who really cares?

Hmm. Got me there.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things.
Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#996 - Inigo Montoya

I actually woke up this morning with Inigo's catchphrase in my head and could not shake it all day. That got me thinking: "What a swell guy that Inigo Montoya was."

For those of you who have spent their lives living among the Amish, or under a rock his catchphrase appears to the left. He uttered this line with such single minded purpose that he was able to overcome great odds to finally kill the man that killed his father.

But I get ahead of myself. Let's examine what Mr. Montoya had to go through to get to this triumphal moment:

1. As mentioned before, he witnessed the six-finger man kill his father when he was a mere pup.

2. He spent his entire life studying the great masters of sword fighting to one day avenge his father.

3. He had to carry probably the most inept team of criminals ever. A guy that thought he was a genius but wasn't and a giant that couldn't even beat Cary Elwes in a wrestling match. Seriously, can you think of a more bumbling crew of kidnappers?

4. He got his butt whooped in a sword fight by a former stable-boy/pirate who had just climbed a rope up several hundred feet of sheer cliff-face. Alright, to be fair, he was such a gentleman that he allowed Westley to rest up before the fight.

5. He goes on an epic bender.

6. He gets revived by Andre the Giant dipping his head in buckets of water, alternating between hot and cold.

7. He has to deal with the medieval medical insurance maze to get Westley help from Miracle Max.

8. He starts out on the short end of the sword against Rugen.
He even gets a scar to match the one he received as an eleven year old when he first met Rugen. And gets stabbed in the stomach to boot.

And that brings us back to the beginning. He still unloads the smack down on Rugen, avenging his father's death. He never wavers and never strays from his goal. He is a beacon of inner strength. He pursues his mission like the Sweaty Irishman pursues buffalo wing dip.

We can all learn a lesson from Mr. Inigo Montoya. And for that, I believe he earns a place in the Definitive 1000.

Correspondent Challenge No. 3: Skittles - Deadly or Delicious?

Well Friendly Friends, it's time for round 3 between Pissah & Shamalama. The first two rounds were close but Pissah is down 0-2. Let's see if he comes back strong in round 3.

The Answer given by Pissah:

Choking to death never tasted so sweet!

The Answer given by Shamalama:

Let's step back.... back into time.

The year 1988... Summer... I was a young punk kid with nothing to lose. I bought my first real six-string at the five and dime. That was the Summer of '88.

I liked playing baseball, we wore meat helmets, luge lessons... quite typical really.

What does this have to do with Skittles?

Nothing actually. I just couldn't think of one GOD DAMN REASON NOT TO LOVE THEM!

Just make sure you take them out of the wrapper first. I was hungry, and they were Skittles. Simple mistake. Happens to the best of us, SHUT THE HELL UP!

I must say, I think this was a weak effort on both parts. If you two boys want to be taken seriously, if you want the respect of Friendly Friends everywhere, you will have to put forth a better effort than that! I think you both need to take a little trip. Go visit an old friend...yourselves. He hasn't seen you in a while. He, needs some TLC obviously. Go do some reflection kids. Ask yourself...Am I really a Friendly Friend? Do I have what it takes to push the envelope to the extreme? Are you sexually active? When you have the answers to those questions, then maybe you will be ready to take each other on the way god & nature tapioca. Have I mad any sense? Exactly. Shamalama wins.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Celebrities that Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Papa... can you... smell me?

It’s double coupon day here at CTPS and I already opened a window. I give you Kris Kristofferson and Barbara Streisand.

At all points of his life Kris struck me as someone I imagined I can smell right off the movie screen. Not a horrible actor or singer but he strikes me as the kind of guy that usually smells like a collosion of wet loose-leaf, home-rolled clove cigarettes and a recently-fired musket. That and his hair reminds me of that stain that poodles get in their fur at their eyes and mouth.

Barbara strikes me as a woman of many strange lotions with the scent signature of a moving van full of old, used retirement home furniture. The imagined smell waxes high when I picture watching Yentil but so far, I haven’t been convicted of shoplifting in Canada, where that is the usual court-ordered punishment. So ffMatt 1, Babs 0.

Together they have hellish synergy enough to scare away sharks on the other side of the globe, a pair of Celebrities… that Probably Smell.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things.
Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.


The late 60’s and early 70’s was when modern American culture was still in high school, showing erratic behavior and growing new bumps under its clothes. That culture was either in a confusing time or doing exactly what it needed to be doing.

Funk proves it was the latter.

There is hardly a person in the world that can deny the raw power of funk. Wither it resonates quietly in your soul or commands dancing, I will not allow you to deny the legs that funk has. The music and culture had a synergy still felt today; a synergy from the sense of identity, unity and the powerful awareness of what comes naturally to humans: making connections.

Built on African rhythms and blended with raw chunks of chemically-tainted, sweaty libido, no music better invites women to be strong and sexy and men to be more honest then a one-note-groove that moves your hips for you. Almost any rap worth listening to was hung on the funk backbone, exhumed from the sweaty jam-band spectacles of the 70’s long before human franchises like MTV. Human free agency existed as long as Parliament Funkadelic roamed the land sowing satisfied, dehydrated and sometimes sore throngs of funkateers.

To name everyone who subscribed to funk is pointless, suffice it to say that the positivity of funk is sorely missed in the age of self centered, weak-willed thugs content on promoting themselves and disrespecting their funkfathers. There isn’t one thug in all of rap today that would dare front on George Clinton. The industry can’t front on funk either. They wouldn’t dare, as they subsist on taking tiny bites out of great funk beasts for their pathetic sample-based product.

David Bowie, The Talking Heads, and Queen chose funk when “white” bands in the late 70’s and 80’s chose punk and classic rock wasn’t classic yet.

And then there was Prince.

I’d say that you should bow at every chance to Parliament Funkadelic, Brick, Earth Wind a Fire, Sly and the Family Stone, George Duke, The Isley Brothers, The Commodores, Kool and the Gang as well as Marvin Gaye and James Brown. The list goes on.

But the beauty of funk is that it doesn’t ask you to bow down. It asks you to lie down, funkily, and get with the state of funky grace.

Therefore, funk takes its non-weighted place on the Definitive 1000 as the smooth but firm shaper of hooks, looks and culture special to America… but funked by the world.

Quote of the Day

Not to be like other Blogs, but this was just too good!

Halle Berry on getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame"

"I cannot tell you how good it feels inside me right now. I wish you all could be inside me right now to know how it feels."

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Movies Recast: Godfather Part One, Starring the NJ Devils

THE SCENE: A richly paneled conference room at the Continental Airlines Arena

Claude Julien has just been summoned to a meeting with Lou Lamoriello and Jeff Vanderbeek. Present for this meeting are Lou's capos: Chico Resch, Scott Stevens, Reijo Ruotsalainen, Ken Daneyko and Scott Clemmensen (who had begged Lou for more to do for months now).

Clemmensen: Mr. Vanderbeek, you said the time would come when me and Chico could start our own families. Until today, I never would have thought of it, but now, I must ask your permission.
Vanderbeek: [absentmindedly] Well Lou is the head of the family now. If he gives permission, then you have my blessing.
Lou: After we make the move to Newark, you can get out of under Brodeur's thumb and start your own families.
Clemmensen: How long will that be?
Lou: Who knows? How many more bribes and kickbacks are due the unions over there?
Clemmensen: Forget it, I'll keep sitting on the bench with this stupid hat on.
Lou: There are things being negotiated that will solve all of our problems and answer all of your questions. Claude is no longer my consiglieri coach. He's gonna sell souvenirs in Newark. That's no reflection on Claude. He does have us in first place in the division and second overall in the conference. Besides, if I ever need help, who's a better consiglieri coach
Claude: Lou, uh, why am I out?
Lou: You're not a wartime consiglieri playoff coach. Things may get rough with the move we're trying.
Claude: Maybe I can help.
Lou: You're out, Tom Claude.

Dissolve to practice the following day. Lou is on the ice with his players, oddly he seems to be speaking in Latin.

CUT TO: Clemmensen prepping a machine gun, Chico Resch sharpening a machete, Scott Stevens sharpening his....elbows, Ken Daneyko fingerpainting and Reijo Ruotsalainen buying consonants.

AS the Sabres skate onto the ice for morning practice, Clemmensen levels his machine gun and shoots them all. The Thrashers are holding a team meal at their hotel as Chico puts tainted wheat gluten in the bouillabaisse. The Senators are skating on the Rideau Canal as Scott Stevens singlehandedly concusses each player. The Penguins are having a team meeting...but quickly get sucked in by Daneyko's fingerpaints. They're not heard from until well after the season. And the Rangers disqualify themselves from the postseason by going over cap space signing Ruotsalainen for the playoffs.

BACK in the conference room, Lou is confronted by Mrs. Julien:

Mrs. Julien: Is it true, Lou?
Lou: Don't ask me about my business Mrs. Julien.
Mrs. Julien: Is it true?
Lou: [slams his hand on the desk] Don't ask me about my business!
Mrs. Julien: Oh, no. Oh god no!
Lou: This one time, Mrs. Julien. Just this once. Ask me again.
Mrs. Julien: Did you kill Carlo fire my husband and "detain" those other teams?
Lou: Of course I did.


I smell Oscar. And a lawsuit.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#998 - Angelina Jolie

The Good

I am so confused every time I see Angelina Jolie. Whether I see her in a movie, on a magazine cover, or perhaps as I did last night as the lead story on Extra. I am not certain but I think she was trying to adopt a Panda. Maybe confused isn't the right word. Conflicted may be more accurate. I have not been more sexually aroused by, and at the same time mentally repulsed by anyone since I met Jewbacca!
The Bad
I mean, come on! You are hot! Stop being you! Being the daughter of Midnight Cowboy, she should consider herself lucky in the hotness catagory, but does she have to ruin it by doing anything other than keeping her mouth shut and putting on and taking off her clothes every once in a while? That is all I ask! I am a simple man. I mean, wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around your neck. Bringing your brother as a date to an awards show and actually treating it like a DATE! Can't you just change your name to Lara Croft and swing around my townhouse on cables while I eat some popcorn. I swear, I think she tried to adopt me last week. Ok, well I just wanted to add Angelina to the 1000. I defy anyone to name anyone more attractive and more repulsive...leave Jewbacca out of it.

And The Freaky!
That's her brother man!

Monday, April 2, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#999 - Eat 'n Park Cookies

Yes, that's correct. Eat 'n Park Smiley Cookies in all of their glorious incarnations. For those of you who are not familiar with Eat 'n Park, this is a chain of restaurants in Central/Western Pennsylvania, Ohio and West Virginia which seems to be the offspring of that time that Denny's drank a little too much Thunderbird and stayed over night at Perkins' place. Nine months later, out popped l'il Eat 'n Park.

I've never understood the name either. Mrs. Jewbacca introduced me to the wonder of Eat 'n Park, although until we pulled into the parking lot I thought she was taking me to Eaton Park, leading me to have much different ideas for the evening. Apparently you actually Park 'n Eat, but hey, the food's good.

These little sugar cookies are probably the only thing on this earth that taste just as good fresh as they do 3-week old stale. They come in a variety of colors, but every single one of them has that smiley face that lets you know, "whatever is happening in the world, I'll still be sitting here smiling insanely -- until you eat me."

True story. I was travelling a lot in western PA when the Steelers were in the playoffs, before eventually winning the Super Bowl. The smiley faces were all black and gold at every Eat 'n Park I entered. I actually smuggled two dozen on the plane to bring back to my in-laws' Super Bowl party, where they were washed down with copious amounts of Iron City beer.

The icing is real thin, but real hard and cracks when you bite into that madly grinning face. It actually kind of hurts your teeth a little and the facial features are made of even harder icing that can actually give your gums a good scrapin' if you're not careful.

Right now, I have but one smiley bunny left. I am savoring it. But alas, it soon will join its 11 other friends in smiley cookie heaven.

Correspondent Challenge No. 2: Which State contains more Hispanics?

Alright folks, you had the opportunity to read and report on the winner of argument number 1. It was a close call in my opinion but I would give the win to Shamalama. Not because of anything he wrote, but because I can't get grits at a Dunkin' Donuts. So here is challenge #2. Lend us your eyes and take a gander. I will let you know my opinion at the bottom.

The answer given by Pissah:

Mass wins hands down, there are no Hispanics. Just lots and lots of Portuguese. Wait, is that a win or a loss?

The answer given by Shamalama:

Come on... Come on...

Seriously. You seriously need more proof than that? I will answer the question in a mock David Letterman Top Ten list, minus the lyrical and musical genius of Paul Shaffer.

On a side note, if Max Weinberg, Paul Shaffer, that Black Guy from Jay Leno and Doc Gibbs from Emeril Live got together that would be friggin' awesome. I'd buy that album. Sign me up. That would be like all the kids from Captain Planet combining their powers plus that Power Rangers Robot and all the Ninja Turtles.... That's a goldmine man.

Back to the original topic...

Number 10: Government offices have to declare what language is the official language to use.

Number 9: The name of the state is FLORIDA... a Spanish word.

Number 8: The old governor had to give his speeches in English and then Spanish.

Number 7: I get asked, "Do you speak Spanish? " in perfect English at least 30 times a day. Number 6: Every other radio station is a Hispanic station.

Number 5: Miami, enough said.

Number 4: I have a Spanish nickname from co-workers and I have no idea what it means. Number 3: Our two main sources of economy are agriculture and construction.

Number 2: We are a stones throw from Cuba, Puerto Rico, the Dominican Republic and border the Gulf of MEXICO.

and Number 1: actually I don't have another... just make number two number one and so forth in that fashion...

HEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ** As I throw a pencil at the computer screen.

Sweaty Irishman's assessment:

My heart tells me Shamalama is the winner. My head also tells me Shamalama is the winner. However, after reading this debate the only one who inspired any thought on my part was Pissah's comments. Unfortunately the only thoughts it provoked was for me to wonder if a singular Portuguese person would be called a Portugoose. Therefore Shamalama wins this one to me!

You help make the call in the comments...

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Correspondent Challenge No. 1: Dunkin' Donuts vs. Waffle House

Folks, you've waited long enough. We turned the hose on SHAMALAMA and pissah, spackled the holes in the walls, paid off the landlord to ignore the burn marks on the ceiling and found most of their teeth.

Of course, if you've been paying attention, you may notice that this is actually supposed to be Number 4, but this is our place and we make the rules. So Number 4 is now Number 1. Deal.

Here is the answer given by Mr. SHAMALAMA:

Pitting these two behemoths of the perpetual breakfast together is alot like
pitting Michael Jordan vs. Dan Marino. In their own class they are tops. Can't they co-exist? Why all the fighting all the time. But the question is Dunkin'
Donuts vs. Waffle House? So I must not disobey the words.

If you want a good cup of coffee, a nice pastry-like device I'm told is a donut, and a great grammatical use of the contraction, Dunkin' is the place to go.

However, if you want that pastry-like device and coffee covered , diced, smothered, festered, withered, and otherwise loaded down with 18 different types of cholesterol (and no WAITRESS, I DO NOT WANT THE DAMN RANCH DRESSING FOR MY HASH BROWNS NO MATTER IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, SO QUIT ASKING ME!) go no further then your next highway exit.

If I had to choose though I'd pick Dunkin' Donuts because every Waffle House looks like it hasn't been renovated since 1973. And the Ranch Dressing incident of 2003. Sorry waitress YOU BLEW IT HARD!!

And here is the retort from the_undercover_pissah:

I can take a casual walk from my house to 5 Dunkin Donuts shops.

Folks, this may be too close to call. We've run the punchcards through the ENIAC and it appears that it's not actually an ENIAC but several refrigerator boxes with buttons drawn on in magic marker.

Pick the winner in the comments....WHOSE CUISINE REIGNS SUPREME????


Well, this FF just returned from spending time with another double F.

French Fries? Naw, G.
Fried Fish? Naw, G.
Final Four? Heck naw, G.
[Note: This Jewbacca refuses to acknowledge basketball as a sport]

No, this FF was taken to see The Fab Faux by Mama Jewbacca as a birthday present.

These guys are absolutely unreal. They are five professional musicians from NYC who have dedicated themselves to the pitch perfect reproduction of the music of The Beatles. And of course, The Beatles are the greatest musical group of all time.

[Note: I will come to anyone's house who disagrees with the above statement and punch them in the neck. Hard. This, I promise to you]

These guys, accompanied by a string section and horns on songs calling for them, did a 3 1/2 hour show in which they reproduced the exact album versions of everything from Yellow Submarine (complete with bullhorns and ocean sounds) to I Am the Walrus (complete with all of the sonic lunacy included in the actual recording). They reproduce the exact sounds of these songs with voices and a myriad of instruments. They do not just make recordings of the Beatles and chop them up. They layer voices and instruments to make each song sound like it is made up of multiple tracks.

Completely unreal. I command all of our readers to see these guys ASAP. It is truly an unbelievable show.