Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Movies Recast: Godfather Part One, Starring the NJ Devils

THE SCENE: A richly paneled conference room at the Continental Airlines Arena

Claude Julien has just been summoned to a meeting with Lou Lamoriello and Jeff Vanderbeek. Present for this meeting are Lou's capos: Chico Resch, Scott Stevens, Reijo Ruotsalainen, Ken Daneyko and Scott Clemmensen (who had begged Lou for more to do for months now).

Clemmensen: Mr. Vanderbeek, you said the time would come when me and Chico could start our own families. Until today, I never would have thought of it, but now, I must ask your permission.
Vanderbeek: [absentmindedly] Well Lou is the head of the family now. If he gives permission, then you have my blessing.
Lou: After we make the move to Newark, you can get out of under Brodeur's thumb and start your own families.
Clemmensen: How long will that be?
Lou: Who knows? How many more bribes and kickbacks are due the unions over there?
Clemmensen: Forget it, I'll keep sitting on the bench with this stupid hat on.
Lou: There are things being negotiated that will solve all of our problems and answer all of your questions. Claude is no longer my consiglieri coach. He's gonna sell souvenirs in Newark. That's no reflection on Claude. He does have us in first place in the division and second overall in the conference. Besides, if I ever need help, who's a better consiglieri coach than...well...me?
Claude: Lou, uh, why am I out?
Lou: You're not a wartime consiglieri playoff coach. Things may get rough with the move we're trying.
Claude: Maybe I can help.
Lou: You're out, Tom Claude.

Dissolve to practice the following day. Lou is on the ice with his players, oddly he seems to be speaking in Latin.

CUT TO: Clemmensen prepping a machine gun, Chico Resch sharpening a machete, Scott Stevens sharpening his....elbows, Ken Daneyko fingerpainting and Reijo Ruotsalainen buying consonants.

AS the Sabres skate onto the ice for morning practice, Clemmensen levels his machine gun and shoots them all. The Thrashers are holding a team meal at their hotel as Chico puts tainted wheat gluten in the bouillabaisse. The Senators are skating on the Rideau Canal as Scott Stevens singlehandedly concusses each player. The Penguins are having a team meeting...but quickly get sucked in by Daneyko's fingerpaints. They're not heard from until well after the season. And the Rangers disqualify themselves from the postseason by going over cap space signing Ruotsalainen for the playoffs.

BACK in the conference room, Lou is confronted by Mrs. Julien:

Mrs. Julien: Is it true, Lou?
Lou: Don't ask me about my business Mrs. Julien.
Mrs. Julien: Is it true?
Lou: [slams his hand on the desk] Don't ask me about my business!
Mrs. Julien: Oh, no. Oh god no!
Lou: This one time, Mrs. Julien. Just this once. Ask me again.
Mrs. Julien: Did you kill Carlo fire my husband and "detain" those other teams?
Lou: Of course I did.


I smell Oscar. And a lawsuit.

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