R.I.P. Harry Kalas, the Voice of Summer

As a lifelong Phillies fan, I can honestly say that hearing Harry the K call a game meant that it was summertime. No school, no homework, just cicadas, run-the-bases and watching the Phils on TV.

There are few better feelings than lying on the sofa on a rainy stormy summer Sunday afternoon and watching the Phils play somewhere sunny and hearing Harry Kalas call the game.

And now that is gone.

Harry Kalas passed away this afternoon, instantaneously silencing summer for good. The cicadas will still chirp for sure, but the unmistakable narration of summer in Philly won't be joining them.

I actually did meet Harry Kalas once. Me and the Sweaty Irishman charged up the steps at Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater at the end of an exhibition game to the press box. The windows were open and Sweaty and I stood there in awe, hemming and hawing out our thanks and whatnot. Harry looked bemused and rather than cowering in fear thanked us and shook our hands. That 30 second encounter is a highlight of my sports life.

We'll miss you Harry. Phillies home runs and strikeouts by Phils' pitchers will never sound the same...

A New Year, An Old Jewbacca

[RANT]

I am constantly annoyed by things in this world. At least eight times every trip to work in the morning and probably close to double that on the way home I feel the urge to kill rising in my gut.

What troubles me so? The lack of awareness and respect that seems to pervade every part of society.

And this morning, I saw in living color on my very own television something that drove that point home. It was a show called "Parking Wars." It was (is?) filmed in my fair city and follows the employees of the PPA (Philadelphia Parking Authority) on their appointed rounds.

Having been the victim of their ticketing on several occasions I am familiar with their special brand of handcrafted day-ruining (though there was a time when it was cheaper to let your meter expire and get the ticket than it was to park in a garage). But I also know that if I let my meter expire I am going to get a ticket. Same if I double park, park in front of a hydrant, or park in a handicap spot. I accept the fact that there are rules for a reason and that there are people who's job it is is to enforce those rules. Heck, I WROTE parking tickets in college.

This morning I was watching this show over breakfast and was regaled with the tale of the young woman whose friend double parked, blocking a lane of travel in Center City Philadelphia. Simple, no? Double park, block morning traffic, get a ticket, grin sheepishly, pay the fine, move on....right?

Wrong. Accost the ticket writer, scream about the unfairness of it all, use the "2 seconds" argument, use the "my friend is from New York and didn't know better" argument, rally the passers-by, accuse the ticket writer of malfeasance, scream into the camera about how unfair it all is well after the ticket is given. That's how she chose to handle it.

Why does this person not see what they did is wrong? Ignorance and nil respect for the people around her, that's why. And in a nutshell, everything that is wrong in the world today..

Interestingly enough, when I opened the paper at lunch today (yes, opened the paper...the actual paper...delivered to my home every morning) and turned to the "Style and Soul" section to read the comics (a daily tradition since 1982) these two articles greeted me:

Double-Parking? Age Cheating? Who Cares?

which was directly below, in the print edition this gem:

A Flash of Celebrity

The latter article is about a company you can hire to send out three idiots with cameras to follow you around for three hours, at $1000 a pop, to make people think you're famous. $1000. For. Your. Own. Paparazzi. The very thing actual famous people want outlawed. You can hire them. To follow you around. I...

And the former article is an interesting essay into why people cut corners and break small laws. In short, why people are ignorant and have no respect for their fellow humans.

Probably because they are too busy hiring their own paparazzi. And it only hurt my heart and brain all the more when I read that the paparazzi company got its start following around U of D students while they were bar hopping. I don't mind U of D students bar hopping (have you ever been to Newark?), but I feel a stabbing pain in my alumni pride when I find out they gave credence to this d-bag idea.

So, in the space of roughly 5 hours I got to see, crystallized in front of me once on a flat screen and once in a "dying" medium, why this world is F'd up. And why its important for me to raise my soon-to-be-here child with the following simple credo:

Do the Right Thing.

If everyone did the right thing, I would not spend a good portion of my day in a blind rage planning a kill-crazy rampage. And there would be less ignorance and more awareness and a lot more respect.

[/RANT]

Are YOU a Real American?

I came home this evening to find out from Mrs. Jewbacca that we are NOT real Americans.

See, we are registered Independents since neither of us identify enough with either party to say we're a "D" or an "R." Couple that with the fact that we tend to lean toward the Democratic side of things AND the fact that in most peoples' minds Democrat=Liberal and you get this from CNN.com:

A North Carolina congressman locked in a tight re-election race admitted Tuesday to recently telling a crowd of John McCain supporters that "liberals hate real Americans," the latest in a string of comments from Republicans that appear to question Democrats' patriotism.

Ergo, we are not real Americans. There is no hope for us.

I guess our home ownership, our taxpaying history, the fact that we both work very hard at our jobs (another jab at "liberals" is that they don't have jobs where they have to work hard), our service to our community, our charitable donations and our American flag constantly waving from our front porch is not enough for some people. Oh well.

But here as a Friendly Friend public service is a quick quiz you can take to determine if you are a REAL American:



So how'd you all score? Any sudden ex-pats out there who want to gather in the local ex-American bar and watch the Phillies?

Did the Focus Groups Know Major Tom Dies in His "Tin Can?"

As much as I enjoy David Bowie, Cat Power and Lincolns (well, five dollar bills and Abe I guess) this latest entry in the "WTF Were the Ad People Thinking" files is brought to you by Mr. Bowie, Ms. Power and the fine people at Lincoln's ad house:



Seriously? You want me to equate your gas guzzling SUV with an ill-fated space flight in a capsule likened to a tin can that, oh yeah did I mention, ends up being the eternal resting place of one Major Tom?

I've said it before and I'm sure I'll be saying it again...and again...and again, I hate this stuff.

This is Cat Power/Chan Marshall. She is nice to look at and has a very nice voice. I don't blame her for this stupid ad.

It's Either a Flesh-Eating Virus or the Virulent Spread of a Soul-Eating Store

From the very excellent Sociological Images website comes this graphical representation of the coverage of the US by Walmart.



What's more scary than the final product is how it happened. Click the link at Sociological Images and you'll get to see how this virus has slowly quickly taken over our country...

True story: I had to go to West Virginia on business and I flew into Roanoke, VA at around 11:30 p.m. US Air managed to lose my bag, though I was one of maybe seven people on the flight. I asked at the Roanoke airport where I could get some necessities at that late hour. Taking into account the 3 hour ride I still had ahead of me, they suggested I stop at a 24 hour Walmart. I did that. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life. Places like that should not be open 24 hours a day. I believe it may be the only outfit in the word actively recruiting in the CHUD community.

Would Adam Eaton Have Been Any Worse?

Sweaty's review of Kyle Kendrick's 1 and 1/3 inning, 6 hit, 7 run appearance last night against the Marlins (with an assist to Homer Stokes):

Kyle Kendrick has done more damage to the reputation of the letter K than the Ku Klux Klan. He used a Confederate Flag as a Miss-ILE!

Pretty much sums it up succinctly.

The Easiset Question of the Firefighter I Certification Test...

Question No. 34:

Examine the following picture. Answer the question below the picture.



Please describe what adverse conditions affecting firefighting operations you observe.

Top 5 Edible Mythological Beasts

5. Harpeas (Pigasus eliminated)
4. The Hydrox
3. The Cornicorn
2. Kracken Oat Bran
1. The Minutemaidotaur

I Hate Interleague Play.

Could it be sour grapes from dropping 2 of 3 to the goddamn Red Sox at home?

Sure could.

But I am not a fan of anything in sports that smacks of pure gimmickry.

Glowing pucks? Worst. Idea. Ever.
Designated Hitter? Ridiculous.
The trapezoid behind the goal? Why?
The shootout? Shoot me.
The shootout, soccer division? How can a world wide tournament be decided by a skills competition? How about a game of UNO Attack instead.
Aluminum bats? Do sportswriters wax poetic about the "ping" of the bat? I think not.
The NBA? Waste of time.

Interleague play is an abomination visited upon one of the most tradition-bound sports. It's a pure money grab by the league and the team owners. Some 100 years went by without the Leagues playing until the Fall Classic.

MLB foists these ridiculous "rivalries" on teams that have no history. Phils-Red Sox? San Diego-Detroit? Seattle-Anyone in the NL?

Sure, the Subway Series and the Show-Me Series and the Citrus Series may pique some interest, but why not play them in the pre-season and award a nice, shiny trophy? Why do we need to interrupt the divisional races for a Phillies-Rangers series? Who cares?

Beyond the fact that all of this seems like nothing more than a Fox-Trax type gimmick, it is blatantly unfair.

How, you ask? Let's look at the numbers.

(A couple of caveats before we delve into my tens of minutes of research: 1. I know that the scheds are made prior to the season and there is no way to figure how teams will be doing by the time Interleague play rolls around; 2. I know there is an imbalance in the number of teams in each league. Bottom line: two great reasons to abolish interleague play once and for all. More on this later.)

Just parsing the NL East, the only division I care about at this juncture:

The Phillies play 15 games against 5 different teams who have a combined W-L record of 199-166 and an average team ERA of 3.98.

The Mets play 15 games against 4 different teams (I guess the subway series is a best of 6?) who have a combined W-L record of 143-147 and an average team ERA of 4.49.

The Marlins play 15 games against 4 different teams (I guess the citrus series is also a best of 6) who have a combined W-L record of 136-150 and an average team ERA of 4.10.

The Braves play 15 games against 5 different teams who have a combined W-L record of 178-184 and an average team ERA of 4.15.

The Nationals play 18 games against 5 different teams (Baltimore twice? The team whose owner tried to keep baseball out of DC for so long?) who have a combined W-L record of 176-184 and an average team ERA of 4.51.

How is this fair?

Teams spend the lion's share of a baseball season playing against their own division to win a quaint little thing called the pennant. They spend a little less time playing against the other teams in their league (roughly the same number of games as the other teams in their division) to round out the competition. Then suddenly they have to play against the other league?

It would be one thing if this was the NFL and the whole division played games against another whole division or the NHL where each team played a home and home against every team in the other conference (which they hopefully will return to shortly), but it's not. There is not a single common AL opponent that all NL East teams play this year.

Ditch Interleague play, now. It's useless. It's annoying. It breaks up an exciting season of intra-division games. At the very least, shelve the stupid thing until the divisions have an equal number of teams and the NL East can play the AL East and so on.

What's that? The Mets still have to play 6 against the Yankees? The Nats still have to play 6 against the O's?

Why? Money?

My point exactly.

R.I.P. Defenseman

In case you haven't noticed, I am a lifelong Flyers fan. I watched every game growing up looking forward to hearing Gene Hart's perfect pronunciation of the Russian and Eastern European players' names.

I know. I was a strange child.

One of the greatest names is no longer with us:

Miroslav Dvorak, named the winner of the Barry Ashbee Trophy as the Flyers' top defenseman in 1983-84 - and a player whose off-ice demeanor reminded some teammates of a legendary Saturday Night Live skit - died Wednesday in the Czech Republic after a long battle with throat cancer, the club announced yesterday.

Not only did he have a cool name, he was a pretty good defenseman too. Always on the plus side (a career +58), plenty of helpers (74 assists over parts of 3 seasons) and was a physical presence on the ice.

He also helped the team make the finals in 84-85 against the Oilers before returning to Europe to finish his career.

It's always strange when an athlete you remember watching as a kid dies. Rest in peace Defenseman.



[Thanks to Philly.com for the story and Czechfan.com for the picture]

Top 5 Things Philly Can Safely Root For

Alright, 6 things to root for...

After the second shut out this year for the Fightin’s just after the Penguins are confirmed for a Cup Dance, here’s a Top 5 Things Philadelphia Can Safely Root For:

1. More Pigeons
2. Greasy Brown Rivers
3. Paper bags of soft Pretzels smoked in car exhaust for delicious roadside retail
4. Angelo Cataldi’s phlem shaking loose by exasperated laments
5. Every other state in the union failing miserably at reverse engineering the complexity called the cheese steak

I Still Hate The Penguins, But This Is Kinda Cool...

I didn't stick around until the bitter end yesterday. I was saved by a Reno 911 marathon and a well-timed fire call so I didn't get to see the handshakes or the post-game celebration kick in the gut.

But doing my post-mortem of the season this morning turned this up, from TSN.ca:

PITTSBURGH - There were smiles and pats on the back. But no jumping up and down at the buzzer and certainly no wild celebration in the dressing room.

The Pittsburgh Penguins continue to surprise with their maturity and poise, calmly digesting their latest chapter in what is proving to be a magical season, a 6-0 win Sunday over the Philadelphia Flyers that clinched a Stanley Cup final berth.

''We still have a long way to go,'' said Penguins winger Ryan Malone. ''So there's nothing to celebrate, that's for sure.''

Eastern Conference champion t-shirts and caps awaited the players in the dressing room. The players ignored them.

''We're not going to wear these shirts or these hats,'' said forward Pascal Dupuis. ''We want the big prize.''

Gotta give them some credit for that. It's nice to see a team not celebrate every single step of the journey to the Finals. I always wonder why baseball teams that clinch the Wild Card ("YAY!! We're the 4th best team in our league and would not have made the postseason at all if it wasn't for Bud Selig's 1990's money grabbing expansion!!!) soak each other with champagne.


Hope they don't regret it when Detroit destroys them in the Final...


[Original story on TSN.ca here. That's Canadia's version of ESPN, which almost singlehandedly kept me and the Mighty Malagan in our Oshawa hotel room. We'd never seen a Sportscenterre so packed with hockey highlights. I sobbed at its beauty...]

Great Season, but...

First off, thank you to the Orange and Black for giving us quite a season and our first visit to the Stanley Cup Playoffs since the 2005-2006 season. Rising up from the ashes of last season's debacle to make it to the Eastern Conference finals was above and beyond what anyone should have expected. So to the Flyers, thank you.

BUT...4-1??? Seriously??? A 6-0 blowout after what you guys did on Thursday night??

You came out with such intensity and determination on Thursday! Today you came out with whatever the exact 180 degree opposite of intensity and determination is. From the opening face-off on you looked lost and totally confused as to how to play the sport of hockey. How could a team that played with such fire on Thursday night (not to mention in the first two series) look so lost today??

Sigh. I think I would have rather the Flyers lost on Thursday night and not get eliminated by a 6-0 blowout.

But seriously, thank you for an always entertaining, though not always in a good way, season and 2/3 of a great post-season run.

I Hate Being Right

One of the most lackadaisical, bumbling displays of hockey I have ever witnessed.

Why do the Flyers (I'm looking at you Downie) have such an aversion to playing the "North-South" (a term I hate) game? Why did they insist all night on passing side to side instead of dumping it down low? Why do they look like an entirely different team than the one that won the first two rounds? Where the hell did Joe Beninati and Darren Eliot come from and can we send them back?

So either they roll over in Game Four or they raise our hopes by winning one on home ice, but it's over.

At least The Office is on. Ha! The one where Michael grills his foot and Dwight gets a concussion!!

Concussions aren't funny to Flyers fans....

I had hoped that a GIS for "Flyers Girls" would cheer me up. It didn't. But here you go.

A Thought At 9:14 p.m. As I Watch The Flyers' Season Slowly Die...

If they don't keep the puck in the Pittsburgh end for more than 10 seconds at a time, they are finished.

And so is the season.

Sweaty Irishman Thoughts

Phutile to be a Philadelphia Phan?

As you all know by now, The Friendly Friends are based out of the Delaware Valley. Making most of us loyal Philadelphia Sports Fans. We each have our favorites of course. I am an Eagles/Phillies guy with a strong interest in the Flyers and a very minimal interest in the Sixers. I think it would be safe to categorize Jewbacca as a Flyers Fan First & Foremost (That was a lot of non-obscene F words), then Eagles/Phillies and maybe even less then minimal interest in the Sixers. FFMatt, I would say is an equal opportunity fan for the Flyers/Eagles with the Phillies bringing up the rear, and again…Sixers are lame. If we get into Pissah and his new favorite Boston Teams or Shamalama and his bizarre mix of Chicago and D.C. sports teams we could be here all day.
Another interesting, well-known and tragic fact is, The Friendly Friends have grown up not knowing what it feels like to win a championship. Yes, we were all alive when the Phillies won it in 80. None of us were old enough to appreciate or care at the time. The Eagles have never won a Super Bowl. The last time the Flyers won the Stanley Cup it was socially acceptable that FFMatt and I were taking baths together and Jewbacca was still cultivating his Brillo hair and eating kosher baby food while watching episodes of Captain Noah and Al Albert’s Showcase.

Anyone else ever wonder about him and Larry Ferrari?

The Sixers were actually the last Philadelphia team to win a championship in 1983 and as stated earlier…who cares. We hadn’t even hit puberty yet anyway!
That finally brings me to the point of this post. We have all been waiting 25 years, basically our entire sports conscious lives to experience a championship…and we are still waiting. The Friendly Friends lives have been filled with occasional excruciatingly close near misses in this regard, but more often than not it was another regular season, followed by quick exit from the playoffs or no playoffs at all. We have had obstacles of all kinds in each sport. Some people call it the curse of William Penn, or if you are Mike Turico, the curse of Ben Franklin.

Who knew a Quaker would be so spiteful!

Ever since Philadelphia erected buildings taller than the brim of Billy Penn’s cap on top of City Hall in 1984 this city has gone winless. Poppycock I say! I don’t believe in that rubbish. I do believe we have had some pretty bad owners, coaches and players in the past 25 years though! But I also think we have had our share of bad luck and bizarre experiences.
We have learned so many things as Philadelphia sports fans. In 1993, the Phillies, and Jewbacca’s little brother, taught us that Joe Carter was one of the best power hitters of our time.

I will get yelled at for even putting this image on here.

In 1987 the Flyers taught us that the only thing that could stop them from winning the Stanley Cup is if they had to face perhaps the greatest professional sports team ever assembled.

I smashed my potato clock I was so upset.

Thank you Edmonton Oilers including, but not limited to…Wayne Gretzky, Mark Messier, Paul Coffey, Jari Kurri, Grant Fuhr, and Essa Tikkanen. The Flyers also taught us in 1997 that even the best team in Hockey can be swept in the Finals. In 2000 they were nice enough to teach us that a team up 3-1 in the Eastern Conference Finals can still lose, despite getting back their best player after gaining that 3-1 lead. We also learned a lot about concussions that year. The Philadelphia Eagles taught us in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s that the only way a team that’s defense that included Reggie White, Jerome Brown, Seth Joyner, Eric Allen and Wes Hopkins would not win a Super Bowl is if you had a coaching staff who put as much work into offensive game plans as I put into auto repair. They also taught us in 2004 that we would win our first Super Bowl…as long as our Quarterback didn’t vomit in the huddle and as long as our Coach included a 2-minute drill in the game plan.
We have had many other bizarre occurrences that have impeded our road to a championship in our lifetime. Horrible Aprils for the Phillies, an alien like Fog rolling in at Soldiers Field in Chicago,

This was like Scooby Doo fog.

and perhaps most of all, and the inspiration for this entry…injuries. I know players don’t use them as excuses (much) and I try not to as well, but I am getting fed up. Anyone in Philly not familiar with Torn rotator cuffs, Tommy John surgeries, Lisfranc injuries, sports hernias, concussions (Lindros), concussions (Primeau), concussions (Gagne)…and now…Blood Clot? A friggin blood clot? What? I am driving home from my last final of the semester last night…thinking about the upcoming summer, and also thinking about the excitement brewing in town. Our Flyers have made a remarkable run in the playoffs and are 4 wins away from another appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals! It has been unexpected, and that may be why it is all that more enjoyable. All that stands in our way is a hated Pittsburgh Penguin team loaded with fast young talent with names like Crosby, Hossa and Malkin. Not to worry though…the Flyers secret weapon…the man who has managed to keep in check the likes of Ovechkin and Koivu will be up to the task. Kimmo Timonen, the best Flyers defensemen in years and an All-Star has had as much to do with our success in the playoffs as anyone except maybe Martin Biron. He will make the difference! The only we can’t win this series is if he come down with some strange injury…like a blood clot!

Is this the new "water on the knee"?

The series starts tonight, without Timonen. I will root hard and I still think they have a chance, but once again The Friendly Friends have to get out their Medical Dictionaries and learn the name that may be given for the 26th year without a championship. Blood Clot. The official new mascot of Philadelphia…Buddy the Blood Clot.

My only weakness is Hemophilia

Finally, Someone With Enough Sense to Stand Up to the NRA...

Sgt. Steven Liczbinski

As some of you are aware, the unthinkable happened here in Philly over the weekend.

Three men thugs animals robbed a bank branch in a supermarket and killed a Philly Police Officer who responded to the call.

One of these animals was killed by police, one arrested and one is on the loose.

What did these animals use to kill Sgt. Liczbinski?

The SKS carbine - considered simple and rugged - weighs about 8.5 pounds and can be bought legally for as little as $179. Instructions for cleaning and routine maintenance can be found on YouTube.

And what kind of ammo?

The gun that killed officer Liczbinski was outfitted with a 30 cartridge magazine and fired a 7.62x39mm bullet...

What does that mean to those of us sane people not obsessed with guns?

The SKS dates to the mid-40s and was originally designed for the Soviet infantry. The Red Army replaced the SKS with the AK-47. The Chinese military bought the SKS manufacturing equipment and produced more than 8 million of them.

Here is the million dollar question: For what possible purpose would three worthless animals have such a firearm?

Pretty much for the reason it was used: To penetrate a police car and an officer's bulletproof vest. There is no other reason for anyone to own this gun. You hunt with it, and you will be picking pieces of the critter you killed (congratulations little man!) out of the surrounding trees.

And this is exactly why Mayor Nutter signed a bill into law that would outlaw the sale and possession of assault rifles in the City of Philadelphia. There is no earthly reason to have a weapon of this type, outside of the military uses for which it was designed, unless you work overnight security in Jurassic Park or have particularly angry killer whales on your paper route.

And what did Mayor Nutter get for his troubles?

The NRA immediately sued the city on the grounds that the city does not have the authority to enact local gun control. They obtained a temporary restraining order to keep the city from enforcing the new laws.

That's right. The NRA sued the City of Philadelphia to block the enforcement of this and four other laws the Mayor sought to have put on the books...in a city that saw 392 murders in 2007.

So what did the Mayor have for the NRA today?

"I think it's insane," Nutter said. "The fact that we put forward a piece of legislation to prevent the sale and use and transfer of assault weapons and have a Philadelphia police officer assaulted on the streets with one, I think makes it pretty clear to anyone who is confused about this issue that there's no reason for any citizen, any person other than in law enforcement or in the military to have such a weapon."

He added: "There's no legitimate argument by the NRA, they need to get in the real world where the rest of us live and come to grips with these kinds of issues. They owe an apology to the family for their staunch opposition over many, many years blocking legislative support for these kinds of matters.

Amen. Couldn't have said it better myself with a speechwriter and two editors.

The NRA's response? Who cares. This is 1/3 my site and I don't have to give equal time to anyone, least of all those lunatics in the NRA.

Am I naive enough to think that an assault weapon ban would have stopped this? No, I am not. There is a reason these animals were criminals...I doubt they would have let a little ban on assault weapons stop them from getting one.

Am I too naive to see that this may be the Mayor cashing in on a family's grief to prove a point in a political-legal battle he may very well lose? No, I see that as well.

But the point is someone in a position of power in this great Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky is standing up to the louts of the NRA. Will it go anywhere? Probably not. Will it stop the lobbying in Harrisburg to "protect" our "Second Amendment" right to bear arms ? Probably not. Will it even help to get the state's appellate courts to reverse themselves and allow Philly to police itself when it comes to guns? Not a chance.

Does it make me feel a little better about this f'd up world to hear an elected official actually call the NRA out? You bet it does.

And when something this terrible happens, you need to look at the little things that make you feel one iota better than you did a minute ago. So thank you Mayor Nutter for giving us at least that tiny bit of hope -- hope that maybe not all is lost when it comes to the NRA and its insane agenda.

Did I mention that Sgt. Liczbinski left behind a wife and three children? Want to help? Here's how:

Donations can be sent to: Stephen Liczbinski Family Memorial Trust Fund, Police & Fire Federal Credit Union, 901 Arch St., Philadelphia, PA 19107.

Donations can also be taken to the Fourth District, 1301 S. 11th St.; the 24th District, 3901 Whitaker Ave.; or the branches of the Police and Fire Credit Union at 901 Arch St., 7604 City Ave., 8500 Henry Ave., 3338 S. Broad St., Byberry and Bustleton Avenue (Leo Mall), 7500 Castor Ave., or 3330 Grant Ave.


[Picture from Philly.com as well as the quotes above]

[UPDATE: They caught the missing animal last night well before the self-imposed deadline of Sgt. Liczbinski's funeral!! May he rot in hell.]

Bacon: It's What's For Dessert

A lightning bolt should have hit me.

Not only was I, Jewbacca, searching for my Easter basket, but I was about to run into the least kosher Easter treat ever invented.

Mrs. Jewbacca went above and beyond this year. Hidden amongst the Whoppers and Peanut Butter Cups and Reese's Pieces was this beauty:



That's right. A dark chocolate pig with "applewood smoked bacon" and "alder wood smoked salt."



Bacon is possibly my favorite food, and I love dark chocolate as well, so this little pig was right in my proverbial wheelhouse. But the overall feeling as I read more of the packaging was fear.



I'm used to the Easter basket basics. Cadbury chocolate eggs, the can of macadamia nuts, the various Reese's products, the speckled eggs -- they're all expected and enjoyed.

Did this thing, this dark chocolate pig, really have bacon inside?



Apparently it did.

How bad could a piece of dark chocolate with bacon inside of it be? Or better yet: How good could it be? And would it be one small slice? A couple of miniature strips? Would I take a bite and be instantly hooked?



The answers? Ok, no slices but plenty of bacon bits, and fortunately no.

It tasted more like salty chocolate than chocolate-covered bacon. The taste was reminiscent of a chocolate-covered potato chip, which incidentally are excellent. There really wasn't any bacon flavor involved. Even the aftertaste was lacking that smoky bite provided by your finer bacon. There really wasn't any point to using applewood smoked bacon since there really wasn't any bacon taste to be found.

The chocolate itself was excellent. The combination of the chocolate and the salt was nice as well. But there was a pronounced lack of actual bacon taste.

I would love to offer you a second opinion, but Mrs. Jewbacca refused the piece offered to her. Repeatedly.

So, Friendly Friends, you'd be better served to get a hunk of dark chocolate with a small dash of salt on it. Or to dip a crispy, salty, perfectly smoked, lovely, delicious slice of bacon into a dark chocolate fondue.

I'll continue to enjoy my bacon crispy along side my eggs or as the leadoff letter of a BLT or crumbled onto my granola every morning. But at least I can say I tried chocolate-covered bacon.

I'll also let you know if my stomach rebels in a horrible, horrible way.

RIP, Mr. Eberling, Sr.

Monday was a sad day for every kid (and college student) who eats/ate Spaghetti-O's.

Kurt Eberling, Sr., the genius, nay visionary, that invented the Spaghetti-O shuffled off of this mortal meatball (the best kind of Spaghetti-O by far) at the age of 77.

Rest in peace Spaghetti Man.

Signs of the Apocalypse: I and II

As I shake off the effects of a very busy weekend involving yaks, a Great Space Coaster reunion party and several butternut squashes please enjoy the following signs that the world is indeed coming to an end:

1. Temple University Has More Wins in D-1 (or whatever they're calling it these days) Football than Notre Dame.

2. The Sweaty Irishman is reporting that he is cold.

Thanks to The 700 Level for bringing the Temple > Notre Dame factoid to my attention. And for those of you who don't know Sweaty, for him to be cold is like the Ocean saying it is suddenly dry. Seriously.

In an effort to warm Sweaty back up to his natural body temp of 107 degrees, I hereby present the lovely Juliane who is Temple U's entry in the CollegeHumor.com America's Hottest College Girl contest.