The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

968 - The Wachovia Spectrum



It's dumpy. It's small. Its roof wouldn't stay on.

But it is also front and center in so many memories for the Friendly Friends.

The Philly papers and websites are filled with rememberances for the old barn. And they all center on the same few things: Flyers and some basketball teams' championships, Olga Korbut, Bruce, Billy Joel, Christian Laettner's shot and the Grateful Dead.

But those are the party-line, let's shine it up and make it look good memories.

The Friendly Friends would like to celebrate the life of this old building through the eyes of the common man. Not through the eyes of the Comcast PR department. So without further ado, and in no particular order, here are some random thoughts and memories of times spent with the Spectrum.


From Sweaty:

Going to a Philadelphia Phantoms game with FFMatt. The game itself was uneventful. But for the first and only time in my life, I caught a sling shotted t-shirt launched towards us. FFMatt positioned himself in front of me as a pick. The shirt was launched; I reached for it and snagged it with one hand! Yes! I rule! The guy behind me did take a chunk of skin out of my hand with his disturbingly long fingernails, but it was worth it. The shirt, I wore until it disintegrated. There were also two tickets to a future Phantoms game inside the shirt. To complete the circle, I went to that game with Jewbacca. He and I had seats right behind the goalie. They were little folding seats, and Jewbacca and I are on the larger side, so we decided to go sit up in the cheaper seats.

Is this the guy that scratched Sweaty?

From Jewbacca:

First and foremost, the Spectrum will always mean Flyers hockey to me. Both live and on PRISM (Philadelphia Regional In-Home Sports and Movies). How cool is it that Flyers games from the Spectrum were broadcast exclusively on a cable channel called PRISM? My earliest sports memories with my dad have nothing to do with the usual American, Norman Rockwell baseball scenes. They all involve the Flyers. My dad would get 4 or 5 games a year to go to and he'd take me to one, The Mighty Malagan to one and usually my mom to the others. We'd sit in the first row of the second level and use the ledge in front of us as a table for our sausage sandwiches and sodas. He'd explain the finer points of the game and why we had to whistle every time Ron Duguay touched the puck. He made sure that we left that Nordiques game at the end of the second period with the Flyers down 3-0 since it was a school night. We listened as the Flyers came back to win 4-3 in OT.

We battled about bedtimes when the Flyers were on. Home games meant 7:05 and at least half the game before bedtime at 8:30. They also meant Ed Van Impe from the bowels of the Spectrum interviewing someone between periods who would get a gift certificate to some men's store or a watch. Those intervies dragged for an 8 year old who only had until 8:30!

But seeing the colors in the Spectrum logo at center ice in person, or on PRISM, was always awesome.

My god. That hair. How could you not wolf-whistle at that?

From Sweaty:

The Sixers Dancer I named "Candy". Watching the dreck that was the Sixers at the time, including Jeff Hornacek (AKA K.D. Lang), Jeff Malone and Clarence Weatherspoon was all worth while thanks to that little blonde vixen.

Candy?? Is that you??? Did you get all of my voicemails and text messages? You did? What's this? A restraining order?? Exactly how far is 500 yards anyway....

From FFMatt:

Besides the years of Flyers games and childhood Ringling Brothers Circus experiences, and Wiggles concerts for my kids I was at the Flyers season opener after the strike ended. HUGE pumped crowd, insane energy and it all quickly devolved into E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chants as the Flyers stunk up the ice with a season opening loss. Back where we belong!

Sweaty will always have Candy and FFMatt will always have these guys...and thousands of drunk idiot Eagles fans.

From Jewbacca:

In sixth grade a new sport dawned into my puberty fevered brain. The Eagle League Pro Box Lacrosse outfit (now the MILL or the MLL or NLL or something) came into existence with the Washington Wave, the Baltimore Thunder, the New York/New Jersey Saints and most importantly the Philadelphia Wings. This was earth shattering to a young Jewbacca. As soon as I was old enough to drive, me and the Malagan would go to the Showcase store (an offshoot of the Spectrum and Spectacor) at the Willow Grove Park Mall and we'd get TicketTron tickets to every single home game the Wings played. We'd usually get two extra and invite friends along. We'd all pile into my 1981 Chevy Impala and cruise down to the Spectrum, blasting our good luck mixtape, which inexplicably contianed 3 songs from Achtung Baby, 3 songs from Queen's Greatest Hits (the blue one) and some other songs long forgotten.

We'd enter the sports mecca and settle in for a couple hours of the best parts of all sports: the hitting and fighting of hockey, the speed of...well hockey again, the high scoring of....well this time I'd have to say early 80's hockey and the shot clock of basketball. We'd scream our lungs out for the Gaits, Dallas Eliuk, John Nostrant, Tony Resch (who incidentally was my buddy Jim's math teacher at Penn Charter), and anyone else wearing the silver and black. We even got to sit next to Chopper at a pre-season Wings/Pittsburgh Bulls game.

Without missing a home game (pre-, regular and post-season) for four years, we still managed to miss all four of the Wings' championships, but did see them lose one to the Buffalo Bandits in OT. We also saw a game called against the Detroit Turbos since every single player on both teams got into a major bench clearing brawl. The Turbos disappeared after that.

This is Chopper. He leads his entire side of the arena in a W-I-N-G-S Wings(!) chant and taunts opposing players coming to the box. He is a god.

From Sweaty:

Going to my first ever Wings game with Jewbacca and his brother Malagan. I had always scoffed at the Wings as a secondary sport, but I was truly entertained and have since been to many games. I was dazzled by the Gait brothers and the sprawling saves of Dallas Eliuk. The Wings, as it turned out were right...I paid for the whole seat, but only used the edge

From Jewbacca:

Fine. You want a basketball memory of the Spectrum? My hatred of basketball notwithstanding, I do have two minor Spectrum related basketball memories. My dad's friend scored Sixers-Celtics tickets in 1984 or 1985. They had four and I guess no one else could use them so the Malagan and I got to go. I remember two things from that night: 1) when my dad's friend drove his Toyota mini-bus/van thing over a cement island to get around a traffic light (red by the way) and 2) walking through the Spectrum lot wearing my Celtics painter's cap that I specifically asked for when my dad was in Boston on business. I hated the Sixers then and since the Celtics were one of their biggest rivals, I'd proudly wear that. Being ten and in South Philly wearing a Celtics hat I was treated exactly as I thought I would be: by having my life endangered by taunting Sixers fans until my dad ripped the hat off my head and pocketed it.

My Celtics painter's cap looked just like this. Except it was a hat and not a hot cheerleader. It was mostly green though.

From Sweaty:

Going to a Sixers game with Mighty Malagan, again, with a horrible Sixers team and sitting close enough to the Sixers bench that they were within earshot. How did I know they were within earshot? Because Jewbacca's brother kept yelling out the name of Rex Walters. Rex Walters could have been up for 12th man of the year in basketball. A poor little white guy who found himself the last man on the bench. Malagan kept calling his name...for 48 minutes. While sitting on the bench, while he stood near the sideline...Malagan called "Rex! Rex Walters!” A fruitless pursuit right? Wrong. Low and behold, the final team timeout of the game, Rex is standing in the team huddle pretending to be paying attention, as if he had anything to do with the play being drawn up. Malagan is still hoarsely yelling his name...then it happens. Rex Walters raises his eyebrows and looks up at Malagan and gives him a head nod acknowledgement. What does Malagan do? He giggles like a school girl and shuts up for the last 40 seconds of the game.

I did a GIS for "Rex Walters." I got a picture of Gemma Atkinson. Which would you have put here?

From Jewbacca:

I saw my first ever concert, the best concert I've ever seen and had the most fun I've ever had at a concert all at the Spectrum.

First concert: Midnight Oil on the Blue Sky Mining tour in 1991. Peter Garrett is a very, very intense man. He did a dive off of the top of a stack of Marshalls during a cover of "What's So Funny 'bout Peace Love and Understanding" that would have killed a mere mortal.

Best concert: Peter Gabriel on the Us tour in 1992 or 1993. Sweaty can back me up on this one, but I think he did three separate encores, the last of which was after the lights and house music came back up. He came out and talked to the crowd for about 5 minutes, thanking Philly for all their support during his career. It was the most theatrical concert I've been to, and also one of the best all-round musically.

Most fun at a concert: Barenaked Ladies, New Year's Eve 1999(98?). Possibly the best stage presence of any band I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot having worked Event Staff security for 4 years at the Tower, the Mann, the Civic Center and even the Spectrum). Sponataneous rapping, unbeliveably strange dancing and a midnight phone call to Kevin Hearn in the hospital back in Toronto to countdown to the new year all made it memorable. Plus, Mrs. Jewbacca got me the tickets for Christmas that year. I had Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in my shoes when I got home!

From Sweaty:

Early in the summer of 1993, I was adjusting to the freedom of now more mandatory formalized education. Released from the shackles of Springfield High school, I was looking forward to the summer of love...or, as it turned out for me, summer of I like you but not in that way.

But before the weekend trips to the Jersey Shore would take place. Before drunken nights passing out in Turkey Clubs (the sandwich, not a night hot spot), before working 1 day in an Ice House and 2 weeks as a beach tagger in Sea Isle City...I and other Friendly Friends such as Jewbacca had to kick the summer off right with my first ever concert! I am proud to say that my first concert ever still holds up as one of my favorites as Peter Gabriel came to town promoting his new album Us. The Spectrum was arockin' that night my friends. Peter Gabriel knew how to put on a show, and he made sure to include Solsbury Hill to appease the Gods. The Gods being me & Jewbacca. As I said, still one of my favorite concerts of all time and the only one I saw at the Spectrum. Pissah was there as well, and shockingly, he found something to complain about. Because he never complains about anything!

So there you have it folks. Some of the Friendly Friends' memories of the Spectrum. Of course there are more, but these are the ones that stand out.

Unfortunately my most recent visit (Phantoms game this past spring) left a bad image for me. They've let the place run down quite a bit. It was clear at that time that they had stopped trying and knew it was only a matter of time before a soul-less, corporate, Disney-like "entertainment" center was built over its grave. I guarantee you, I won't be making that just-long-enough-to-be-extrememly-annoying-not-long-enough-to-risk-my-life-at-Fern-Rock-to-take-the-subway trip to this new complex. Maybe if I'm at the Center or the Bank I'll brave the crowd of annoying South Jerseyans long enough to check it out.

But for the memories it invokes and the times we've spent there, the Friendly Friends are proud to add The Spectrum to the Definitive 1000!

[Feel free to leave your memories in the comments. Thanks to http://www.e-lacrosse.com/ for the picture of Chopper.]

Did you know that "Spectrum" is actually an acronym for Sports-Entertainment-Concerts-Theater-rum. The "rum," as in Auditorium, was all the rage in 1967 for newly built arenas (see Centrum, Worcester)

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

970 - Run The Bases
969 - Suicide

It's a Friendly Friends Two-fer Tuesday Wednesday!

All we needed to play two of the best games. Ever.

Sweaty, FFMatt and I all grew up in relative close proximity to one another. Which makes sense since Sweaty and FFMatt are related and Sweaty and I went to high school together.

This geographical closeness meant that we played the same games as kids, though I didn't meet Sweaty until I was 15 or so. And he lived in East Falls and Bumble-F, New Jersey and I lived in Wyndmoor.

FFMatt is sunning his 27 inch (yeah, that's right) pythons at the Jersey shore this week, so Sweaty and I have been left to tend the store. We spent a good amount of time discussing the pure awesomeness of these two games.

This guy only has 24 inch pythons. FFMatt has 27 inch pythons. True story.

And without further ado, here are the reminiscences of 2/3 of the Friendly Friends:

Sweaty: So. I think we both agree that Suicide and Run the Bases are two of the finest games ever invented by children who's parents could not afford to send them to hockey camp.

Jewbacca: Suicide and Run the Bases are two of the best non-sport sports that any one has ever played. And we got to go to Willow Grove Summer Day Camp. My parents couldn't afford it but my grandfather's cousin owned it so we got a discount.

Sweaty: I never went to any kind of camp, except football in high school. No, during my youth, day camp was called try not to get abducted by men driving El Caminos and offering jolly rancher sticks. But I digress. I agree with you. I always preferred Run the Bases a little more because I think it was more of a pure athletic skill game, where Suicide used more deception.

Jewbacca: You know my brother and I. You've seen and lived the battles. My parents decided that if they left us alone all summer one or both of us would end up dead and the house would have been destroyed. I loved both games, but you're right I have to give the edge to Run the Bases and not just because we always played at the Krzywicki's, which would allow the occasional glimpse of Jill.

Sweaty: Perhaps we should start off by giving a brief overview of each game and then we can see where certain rules may have differed with you playing these games in the warm safe softness of the grassy fields in Wyndmoor, were as I played them in the hard, survival instinct drenched inner city street of Philadelphia.

Jewbacca: Well, here is the way we played Run the Bases on the hardscrabble fields of Wyndmoor: There would be a whole mess of kids ranging in age from about 6 to 12. Two kids would be on the bases. Two of the other kids' baseball gloves would be the bases. The idea was to run back and forth from base to base without getting pegged by the tennis ball or tagged out by the basemen. That is the basic framework as we played in the 'Moor.

Sweaty: That is pretty much how we played too, except we used manhole covers which were he perfect distance apart.

Jewbacca: There weren't too many manhole covers in the field behind the Krzywicki's. There was also another rule where after the ball went back and forth 3 times from baseman to baseman, everyone on the basepath HAD to run to the next base.

Sweaty: Yeah, we also had that rule, but I can't remember how many throws you needed. I remember that I preferred being a runner. I was damn good.

Jewbacca: I was awesome at running too. That was about 20 years and 200 pounds ago though. Now I'd end up with "Penn 1" tattooed into my forehead. The best was using the younger kids as human shields.

Sweaty: Same for me, except I most likely would have ended up in intensive care with a tennis ball lodged somewhere and my left arm would be numb, I didn't do too much of that shield thing, since I was normally one of those little kids. My run the bases days ended when I was 9 and my parents moved us to South Jersey. Without any man hole covers, I did not know what to do, so god help me, I played basketball. So in my prime run the bases years 6-9, I was lean, mean, spry, quick, and obnoxious. I would taunt the throwers mercilessly. One was normally my older brother.

Jewbacca: You're still pretty obnoxious. Not as spry. See, I think our Run the Bases years and our Suicide years may be reversed. We played a ton of Suicide from when I was 6 and we moved form Philly to the 'burbs until I was 9 and we moved to a neighborhood with absolutely zero good Suicide walls. We played Run the Bases almost every summer night from when I was 9 until I was about 14.

Sweaty: I continued to play suicide in Jersey. Thomas Jefferson Elementary provided one of the finest suicide walls this side of the Rio Grande. As far as suicide went...my best skill was catching the ball in the air, followed closely by screaming like a woman as I ran to the wall after dropping the ball.

Jewbacca: The first place we lived in Wyndmoor was in the bottom of a rented duplex that was roughly twenty feet from the house next door. The driveway for the house next door was our side yard. It made the absolute perfect Suicide court, what with two walls 20 feet apart. My greatest skill I think was my power of avoiding the ball so as to remain in the game as long as possible. Erdenheim Elementary also had great walls as did Enfield Middle where we played everyday during sixth grade, the last year we had recess of any kind. I'm proud to say that along with my friend Jim I was part of a duo known as "Slodge" which of course was "Slide" (Jim) and "Dodge" (Me). My strategy was to run up to the wall and stop before hitting it, turn and face the person trying to bean me, and dodge it at the last minute. If being part of "Slodge" is any indication, I didn't have many girlfriends in my younger days. So what were the basic rules of Suicide in Washington Twp?

Why Suicide? Maybe because the goal was to run as fast as you could, toward one of these, to smack it and yell "SAFE!!", before someone whaled you in the back with a tennis ball...

Sweaty: Nor did I, as my uncanny resemblance to Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters when I was in elementary would explain. Suicide in Washington TWP was pretty straight forward. One large wall, one tennis ball and a group of young men ranging from about 9-14 years of age. One person would throw the ball. If the ball was caught in the air, the thrower had to run and touch the wall before getting pegged by the person who caught it. If you dropped the ball while trying to catch it either on the fly or on a bounce then you had to touch up before someone picked up the ball and pegged you. If after dropping the ball, you kicked it away, then you were automatically out and wre penalized by standing at the wall while someone got to peg you.

A young Sweaty Irishman after a particularly rough day of Suicide

Jewbacca:We had basically the same rules. If you threw the ball and someone caught it in the air, you had to run and touch the wall and yell "SAFE" or "SUICIDE" before they pegged you. If you tried to catch the ball and it touched you and you didn't catch it, you had to leave it there and run and touch the wall before getting pegged. If you got three outs you had to walk back and forth along the wall (without stopping or changing speeds) and each player got a chance to peg you with the ball. At school they didn't like the three-outs-get-pegged rules so we changed it to if you got an out, you were out and we played until one kid was left. I think also that if you missed someone you were trying to peg you had to run and touch the wall.

Sweaty: We also had a penalty for someone who pegged another after that person had touched the wall. The peggee pegged the pegger from point blank range.

Jewbacca: I never really thought about how many of our games involved trying to whale on someone with a tennis ball.

Sweaty: I know. Most games when we were kids involved inflicting pain on others. Times have changed...They wouldn't even let kids play something called Suicide nowadays.

So there you have it, two childhood games from the post-Atari, Colleco-/Intellivision, pre-Nintendo era where we were allowed to play outside until the streetlights came on. And for all the pegging and whaling and nailing with tennis balls, I don't recall anyone ever getting hurt. Too badly.

I'd be willing to guess that kids today aren't playing these games until 9:15 on a summer night anymore.

How About FC Whiz Wit?

Well now that Chester, Pa Philadelphia has made it to 1994 and has been awarded an MLS franchise it's time to name that sucker.

She played for one Philly soccer team already....

In the spirit of civic pride and with a swelling of our imagination muscles, here are the Friendly Friends' suggestions to name this new athletic endeavor:

Philadelphia Freedom
The Philly Prior Records
The Elton Johns
FC Chesidelphia
Bone Thugs in Harmony
Philadelphia Waste of Money
FC Yo
The Liberty Hellions
The Brotherly Shoves
FC E-A-G-L-E-S
The Philadelphia Corrupt and Contents
The Johns from the Streets (FFMatt agreed that this one may be dated already)
The Philadelphia Experiments
The Schuyl-kills
The Philadelphia Cockburns
The Chester Molesters
The Philadelphia MOVE
The Pennsylvania Steagles
The Philadelphia Water & Sewage
The Chester We Do Not Deserve This Stadiums
The Philadelphia No The Other Kind of Football
Philadelphia Fever II: Electric Booglaoo
FC Pay-To-Play

So there you have it folks. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments. I'm sure we'll end up with something horrible from a focus group like the "FC Phila 1776" or "Philadelphia United FC" or even the Philadelphia Atoms. Is there any chance Sons of Ben will win? They already have a kick-ass logo.

As long as the team doesn't wear something like this, we're all winners.

Mom Mom's Ghost vs. The Friendly Friends

Since it is Halloween and all that, here's another true scary story, much like the one with poor Mr. Scampers, Ph.D.

FFJewbacca: So. I don’t really believe in ghosts.

But since it’s Halloween, allow me and my fellow Friendly Friends to throw down The Official Ghost Story ™ of the Friendly Friends.

It’s a late summer night approaching 15 years ago and FFMatt is watching his parents’ house in suburban Philly while they’re at the Shore. The house is located on a green leafy, quiet suburban street. FFMatt is living in the city at the time, but was staying there to keep an eye on things.

Sweaty and I are bored.

FFSweaty: Incredibly bored.

FFJewbacca: We decide it would be a wonderful idea to head over to FFMatt’s parents’ house and wait for him to get back from work.

Me and Sweaty get there and we shoot hoops in the driveway for a little while. Since we’re both large, unathletic white men it’s not pretty and we tire of it quickly.

We realize at this point that there is no electricity in the neighborhood, due to a prior storm. It’s getting dark so we do what only true Friendly Friends would do:

Sweaty had a key to FFMatt’s parents’ house so we went in to lie in wait in the dark for his arrival.

As darkness had completely set in by this point we feel our way through the house and decide to sit on the sofa in the living room. Of course we didn’t bother to grab flashlights or anything like that. We sit in the dark. Me, Sweaty and Peeper the Cat. It was so dark so quiet and so hot. You could hear Sweaty audibly sweating. It was the most unsettling noise we had ever heard to that point, more on that later. We sit there, giggling at the devious duplicitous and divinely juvenile plan in store for FFMatt.

As a brief aside, FFMatt is almost a ninja. In real life. He knows a lot about killing people with his bare hands and has taken a lot of ju-jitsu and kung-fu and some other Asian sounding stuff. If not for his cowardice and oafish stupidity Sweaty would have died at his hand many different times growing up.

This fact is important, because as the sitting on the couch in the dark, waiting to scare the living crap out of FFMatt drags on, me and Sweaty start to debate the sanity of scaring a trained ninja assassin on his entry into a pitch black house. Images of one of us looking at their beating heart while the other stammers an excuse start to fill our heads. Another possibility we considered was that FFMatt would deftly launch the closest thing available to him (most likely the cat) at the sound of our childish attempt at a good-natured scare and in the same motion leap himself towards the sound of danger. He would then meet the cat in midair; high five it, and then turn their attention to the two idiots cackling in the darkness. This possibility was enhanced by the fact that the cat was freaking us out. To paraphrase Brian Fellows, That cat had devil eyes!

So me and Sweaty sit there a bit longer, describing in great detail how FFMatt would probably make us ex-Friendly Friends (and we were calling ourselves that 15 years ago so it works...ong story for another time) when we hear it.

It being: BANG (pause) BANG (pause) BANG.

FFSweaty: From the room directly above the living room in which we were sitting.

FFJewbacca: To reset, me and Sweaty and Peepers the cat all in the living room of an electricity-free, pitch black house, waiting for the next coming of Bruce Lee to get home and give us what-for. We both wondered what the noise was and almost simultaneously come to the conclusion that it was Peeper who must have gone up stairs. Sensing our lame attempt to sooth our nerves, Peeper promptly meows at our feet in an “It wasn’t me bitches!” kind of tone.

Then there it is again.

BANG (pause) BANG (pause) BANG.

Exactly the same as before.

I could actually see Sweaty turn pale in the darkness. He said “Get up. Follow me. We need to get out of here NOW.”

I figure this is another Sweaty joke (like the time he sent me for aspirin for his asthma or when he grabbed the lighter out of my car to “show that Trooper” why he shouldn’t write me a ticket) and I just kind of laugh and say “Ok. And by the way, what was that sound?”

We actually run out of the front door of the house, leaving a very bewildered Peeper sitting there.

I keep asking what’s the matter. We get in the car, Sweaty won’t answer. We get about two miles from the house, Sweaty shaking and visibly upset. He finally turns and says:

“That banging was coming from the room where my grandmother died. She used to bang her cane on the floor three times when she wanted someone to come up and get her something.”

I don’t think we spoke again that night.

So there you have it Friends. A true story. My only encounter with a ghost.

FFMatt: So I had a long night running a synagogue (true, no lie) and I headed to my parents house to feed my awesome cat Peeper. I noted that the power is out in the neighborhood again. Peeper is cool with that, he kicked ass and fears no darkness. I pull in the driveway, come in through the back door…

… memories are memorable when an emotional charge burns what you experience with your senses into that monkey brain you rent. Here’s what I felt:

I remember a bank of moonlight coming through the back kitchen window into my face and against the wall. I remember seeing dust motes swimming through that moonlight, glowing against the blue-black interior rooms behind it like a bedsheet rippling on black water. I remember my inner monologue parsing things like, “stirred air” and “something not Peeper here.” Also, the lack of the cat coming to greet me… well, that was it. In that one second of time I ran over eleventy seven scenarios that all involved "somebody not a cat in the house" or "somebody had just been there." I still had my hand on the half-open door. I was standing still in mid-step. Unblinking, I calmly but urgently backed out of the door, drove to the end of the driveway and watched the dark house for a few minutes.

Pure instinct. I drove home to Philly. WTF.

I think it was two days later Sweaty got ahold of me and once he said he was at the house that night we barked over each other to say what happened next.

I think I knew somebody was just in the place and I reacted well enough but when Sweaty and Jewbacca added the wrinkle about Mom Mom and her cane I lost it.

I was there when she died, when she came home to die in our care with loved ones. I got her ice when she banged her cane on the floor because she had stroked and couldn’t speak anymore.

Hearing that of all things broke something inside me for good.

Peeper was fine.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#981 - The Argument Over Which Peanut Butter is Better

Friends, we've run into a little bit of a roadblock in our odyssey to name the Definitive 1000 things out there.

We wanted to make Peanut Butter #981 but have run into the age old debate.

Which debate is that?

Is it crunchy vs. smooth?

Nope.

Is it Peanut Butter on the top slice vs. Peanut Butter on the bottom slice?

Nope.

Is it on an apple vs. on celery?

Nope.

The big debate...

The age-old quandary....

Skippy vs. Jif

The Friendly Friends are nothing if not loyal. And this loyalty extends to peanut butter. Who knew?

We break down thusly: Jewbacca and FFMatt are true Jif lovers, while Sweaty swears by Skippy.

This debate has been going on now for days, via email and angry telephone calls.

Here is the tale of the tape for you, broken down into easy to digest (unlike Skippy) categories:

How do you know God hates Jif?

#1 city for the consumption of Jif - New Orleans.

#1 city for the production of Jif - San Francisco

#1 over seas consumers of Jif - Indonesia

#1 overseas producers of Jif - Pompeii

#1 Airline to serve Jif - Value Jet

#1 on the stock market in October 1929 - Jif

#1 College to serve Jif - Marshall

#1 Celebrity endorser of Jif - Britney Spears

#1 TV show with Jif product placement? Full House

#1 word associated with Jif according to a recent poll? Botulism

#1 film with Jif product placement? Birth of a Nation

#1 French lover of Jif - Maximilien Robespierre, who's reign of terror was more about his choice of peanut butter.

#1 Monster supporter of Jif - Nosferatu.

I heart Jif!!!

How Do We Know God Hates Skippy?

#1 Reich for the consumption of Skippy - The Third One

#1 Italian Spokesman for Skippy - Mussolini

#1 US Mountain to Serve Skippy in its Mountaintop Restaurant - Mt. St. Helens

#1 Salesman for Skippy, Midwest Region - Jeffrey Dahmer

#1 Salesman for Skippy, Eastern Region (tie) - Uncle Eddie Savitz and Gary Heidnik

#1 Movie with Skippy Product Placement - Ishtar

#1 TV Show with Skippy Product Placement - Cop Rock

#1 PB served at Columbine High School on 4/20/99 - Skippy

No one said life was fair! The case against Jif:

Is Jif being forced fed to prisoners of war in North Vietnam fair?

Is Jif being used as an at home abortion kit fair?

Is it fair that Jif single handedly brought about racism in America?

Is it fair that Jif was used to train Michael Vick's dogs?

Is it fair that early German U-boats who preyed on innocent passenger vessels in the early 20th century were fueled by Jif and liquid evil, which is almost redundant?

Is it fair that one drop of Jif illegally smuggled into Ireland by the tyrannical British caused the potato famine?

Is it fair that Jif ate through the hull of the USS Indianapolis causing it to sink and aiding in the eating of hundreds of brave sailors by hungry sharks, whom showed no interest in the Jif.

Is it fair that the gaseous build up inside a jar of Jif cause a railroad spike to shoot into and through Finneus Cage's frontal lobe?

Is it fair that the AIDS epidemic can be traced back to one jar of Jif peanut butter?

Is it fair that Jif is responsible for Patrick Swayze?

Is it fair that Barry Bonds has rubbed Jif all over his torso for the past 11 years?

Life certainly was not fair to Mr. Gage. If only he had eaten Skippy instead...

No one said life was fair! The case against Skippy:

Is it fair that in homes with Skippy, children are more likely to have
monsters under their beds?

Is it fair that Skippy caused the death of beloved cartoonist Charles Schultz?

Is it fair that Skippy causes all of the mining disasters around the world?

Is it fair that opening a jar of Skippy causes Gozer to arise and eat
the hearts of the pure?

Is it fair that Skippy consumption caused the Omegas to not admit
Mohammed, Jugdish, Sidney ans Clayton into their fraternity?

Is it fair that Johnny Tremaine's fingers were fused together when a
jar of Skippy spilled on his hand?

Is it fair that the Red Sox are in the World Series because they
slipped Skippy into the Indians' lockerroom?

Is it fair that the Indians are all on reservations due to several
political and religious leaders coming down with brain fever in the
1800's all traced back to a can of Skippy Peanut Butter?

Is it fair that the Flyers lost the Stanley Cup in 1980 because Leon
Stickle had the same brain fever caused by Skippy and missed the
obvious offsides call?

Is it fair that a spilled jar of Skippy disintegrated the maps and
charts aboard the SS Minnow turning a three-hour tour into a three
year odyssey of heartbreak and terror...and inexplicable visits from
the Harlem Globetrotters?

If only Johnny had a choosier mom, none of this would have happened...

Facts*, Historical and Otherwise That Everyone Knows About Jif:

What was found in Al Capone's vault? Jif

How was Archduke Franz Ferdinand assassinated? Jar of Jif to the temple.

Official Hockey Team of Jif? New Jersey Devils

Although an excellent flame retardant, Jif is deemed too dangerous so asbestos is used instead.

The substance oozing it's way to the surface in the Love Canal scandal? Jif.

A NASA jokester slips a jar of Jif onto the Apollo 13 spacecraft. This crucial fact is left out of Ron Howard's hit film due to several injunctions levied upon the movie studio by an underground evil empire which may or may not include Mark Wahlberg, Tupac and Margaret Thatcher.

Japanese code word for the attack on Pearl Harbor? Jif.

In his final days George Washington Carver, in an act of repentance tries but fails to infiltrate the JIF factory and destroy all means of production. He is shot in the back by the founder of Jif. His final words are thought to be..."Vivat Skippy."

JIF originally named Big Top Peanut Butter, and owned by a Southern Aristocratic race horse owner was primarily made up of the grindings of aging circus animals.

Rwanda genocide? Jif

Wounded Knee? Jif

In the 1980's, USA for Africa and Band Aid collected 20,000 jars of Jif to send to Ethiopia. Ethiopia sent it all back with a note that read "Thanks, but we'd rather starve, and yes, we do know it's Christmas."

Jif kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.

Jif was what was served for dinner to the Eagles prior to the 1980 & 2004 Super Bowls.

Pelle Lindbergh was on his way to buy some Jif on November 10, 1985.

Jif was the peanut butter of choice for Adolph Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Josef Stalin, Francisco Franco, Emperor Hirohito, John Street and Ben Kingsley.

Jif is owned and manufactured by an anti-Semitic corporation who got its start making the Star of David patches distributed amongst the Jewish population in Eastern Europe.

Jif is used to cauterize wounds.

They have to call the crunchy style version of Jif "Extra Crunchy" because the smooth style is still crunchier than most industrial waste.

1985 - Ramona Africa demands Jif to be delivered to her house. The city firebombs an entire city block...using Jif.

Who made these guys Archdukes? And when were they assassinated?

Facts*, Historical and Otherwise That Everyone Knows About Skippy:

Three Mile Island? A technician in the control room dropped his Skippy-bearing PB&J on the board causing the meltdown.

Amelia Earhart was eaten by savages when she landed her plane due to an emergency thanks to the fumes coming from her jar of Skippy.

Disgraced PA State Senator Fumo eats Skippy.

Rush Limbaugh eats Skippy.

Andy Reid eats Skippy.

In the 1970's the Great Lakes caught fire. This was due to an unreported Skippy tanker running aground and covering the surface of the water with a thick layer of suck.

S-K-I-P-P-Y is an anagram for T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E

The Teapot Dome Scandal occurred when Congress realized Teapot Dome was filled with cans of Skippy instead of Jif.

The Gadsden Purchase only happened to give the US a vast desert wasteland in which to store Skippy away from humans.

The Johnstown Floods (yes all of them) occurred shortly after stores ran out of Jif and resorted to selling Skippy. This led to persons unknown blowing up the dams in an effort to literally cleanse their town of all traces of Skippy. Heroes all of them.

The Titanic crashed because the lookout and pilot were both logy and on the toilet from Skippy consumption.

The Hindenburg burned thanks to a fire in the pantry area of the great airship that broke out when someone opened a jar of Skippy and it reacted with the oxygen in that part of the ship.

The Scopes Monkey trial's lesser known legal precedent is that only monkeys are dumb enough to eat Skippy. And then just the ones that can't get jobs as actors.

Jimmy Hoffa's body has never been recovered because it was packed in a fifty gallon drum of Skippy, leading to his remains, the drum itself, and a 7 square mile area of the New Jersey Pinelands being dissolved by the offending peanut butter. This is also what finally did in the Jersey Devil, after nearly 400 years of haunting.

Skippy makes babies cry.

Skippy is the cause of the wildfires in California.

Skippy was on the grassy knoll.

Skippy singlehandedly brought down the World Trade Center.

Skippy can be used to remove rust, lime stains and calcium deposits from sinks and drains.

Skippy is used to induce vomiting more often than syrup of Ipecac.

Every jar of Skippy is now mandated by law to have the Mr. Yuk sticker in at least 7 places on the label.

Frederick Fleet. Titanic lookout, iceberg spotter, Skippy addict.

FFMatt Weighs in:

Jif mocks Skippy. Skippy has a cowlick and smells of Tarnex. Jif has a pack of Kools rolled up in his sleeve and is one the Most Wanted list for what he does to peanuts

Jif murders peanuts 24/7 and bathes in the entrails, a Jifrey Dahmer if you will. And he is always picked first in dodgeball. You have to respect that.

I can't believe Santa got my letter

One Last Retort From Sweaty:

Skippy Banged this..I win.




And there you have it folks. The case for Skippy and the case for Jif. It's a tie from where we stand. Feel free to vote in the upper right corner over there.

UPDATE! Jif 14 Skippy 11. Jif is clearly the best.

The one thing the Friendly Friends agree on?

PETER PAN SUCKS!!

The Only Thing Peanut Butter Related the Friendly Friends Can Agree On...

*"Facts" presented aren't necessarily facts...per se.

Who is the better "Potter"?

Harry Potter vs. Sherman Potter

(A war of words between two guys who get flustered ordering a Moons over My Hammy at Denny's)

(Best breakfast sandwich ever!)

Being that Jewbacca is too cool to read or watch any of the Harry Potter's, Sweaty Irishman will take the Pro Magical Potter and Jewbacca will take the undoubtedly hemroidal Potter.

Sweaty Irishman: Although I am keen on both versions of Potter, I am going to take the Harry side of the debate as Jewbacca is absolutely clueless about the boy wizard, but his knowledge of Sherman Potter AKA Harry Morgan is extensive and even intimate.

Jewbacca: Truer words have never been spoken Sweaty. I truly know nothing about this Harry Potter I keep hearing about, other than the fact that his girlfriend (He means Hermione.) gets hotter every year. She is legal right?

Jewbacca jail bait

Sweaty Irishman: First off, lets all condescendingly laugh at Jewbacca's lack of Harry Potter relationship knowledge. Now, I don't know what the rules are in the wizarding world, but being that she is still 17, unless you want to end up in Azkaban you should keep your wand in your trousers.

Jewbacca: Ho ho! Azkaban huh? Nice this time of year? I get the gist and I will keep the wand in it's holster and think pure thoughts.

Sweaty Irishman: Well I don't know how pure your thoughts can be when discussing the likes of Sherman T. Potter. You know you can't control yourself or your buffalo bagels. I will start things off by stating that Harry Potter is clearly the number 1 Potter on the market. He has become an icon amongst many generations. 7 best seller books, 5 top box office films with 2 to come. One nude appearance on a London stage not to mention the fact that he scored with that Scottish/Asian witch. Who knew Harry Potter had the yellow fever? The only thing you can say for Sherman Potter was that he like horses and played a coward in High Noon. He did appear nude as well, but in your giant IKEA armoire doesn't count.

Strangely arousing?

Jewbacca: Wait, Scottish/Asian witch? Who is that?? I admit that I have a hard time controlling myself in discussing Sherman T. Potter. When he fires off a "Horse Hockey" or the like I cannot contain my glee. And the fact that he is in my giant IKEA armoir is an issue for me and Sherm to deal with. Now, remember, Sherm also played the wise and learned judge in the Scopes Monkey Trial. He found the were withal and the wisdom to accept the jury's verdict but still only fine Kate's $100. A giant in the world of jurisprudence. And didn't Harry get naked with a horse???

There was actually an image for Horse Hockey!

Sweaty Irishman: Oh, you will hear more about Cho later. I am saving the big guns. I think the best way to handle this is to try and put each Potter in the others situation. How would Sherman handle being ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians and a half Giant with a romantic abnormality towards cold blooded things. Sherman may be a wiz with the equine, but lets see him on a Hippogriff.

Katie Leung: Hot Asian/Celtic Witches (Very specific category)

Jewbacca: Allow me to retort. First off, Sherm would not be ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians. He would glare at them with his steely eyes until they obeyed him. He would not raise his voice, and he would have them casting nothing but homespun spells that bring peace to the police action in Korea. I think it's obvious how he would handle he half-giant situation, and that would be to walk him and pitch to the giraffe. Or is that what he would do with and elephant with three balls? And lastly, he would throw a saddle on the Hippowhasis and ride it like Sophie. It would remind him of his days in the real infantry in WWI.

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, get your fact straight man. He was in the Calvary in WWI. He wore an onion on his belt, which was the fashion of the time. Now, being that I won that part of the argument lets move on to Harry running a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea. All the Hawkeyes, Frank Burns's's's, BJ's (that's what she said), Hot Lips, Klingers and Radars on the 39th parallel could not intimidate Harry Potter! He has faced death several times. Do you think he will have trouble with some zany surgeons and lots of sexual innuendo? I don't. In fact, if Harry had been involved that Police Action would have been over in 24 weeks! Sherman could not even make up his mind what he was! One day he is Colonel of M*A*S*H 4077, the next he is a bigoted General who likes to do soft shoe.

Harry about to kick some North Korean ass!

Jewbacca: I corrected myself by the way about the cavalry thing. You must have gone out for second to read the last page of your new doorstop.

Sweaty Irishman: You corrected the Calvary thing, but you still had the wrong War!
Ass.

Jewbacca: Now. The little bit I've seen of this Harry Potter fellow, he is usually whining in a Peter Brady-esque cracked voice. He is getting his butt kicked while flying around on a broom or dropping his wand (that's what she said) or using the wrong spell for the occasion. Sherman Potter is unflappable. He rides herd over the 4-0-seven seven with an iron fist inside of a velvet glove. Clearly the bigoted general was his evil twin, so there is no way to hold that against Sherm. He is able to guide and cajole the likes of B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce, Bea Jay Honeycutt, Max Kilinger, Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Frank "Ferret Face" Burns and Charles "Chuck" Winchester into a life saving, life mending force without compare. How many times has Squeaky Potter resected a bowel or removed shrapnel from a spleen? I would guess zero. He was able to get the best out of all of his doctors and still dispense homespun wisdom, grandfatherly care and he was able to trick Klinger into staying in the army on more than one occasion. And for your info, Sherm served on a horse in WWI and as a Doctor in WWII so suck it. Point, Sherm.

Average day at M*A*S*H 4077

Sweaty Irishman: Let me ask you this...who would you rather bang, Cho Chang or Mildred? I disqualify myself cause I done them both!

Jewbacca: I have to give it to Cho Chang over Mildred considering that picture of Mildred on Sherms desk looked like him in drag. So you concede the point to Sherm for who would run the MASH better? Thought so.

Sweaty Irishman: No I am not! Ok, I am. Sherman ran a fine good MASH but Sherman didn't have to deal with the 4077 at it's craziest. Frank Burns, and Five O'Clock Charlie, Spearchucker Jones and MacArthur...all problems Sherman never had to face. It drove poor Henry Blake to his grave! That and the anti-air artillery. Harry has dealt with the meat of the problems at Hogwarts. You try battling bad skin and the dark lord in the same week!

Jewbacca: That's another debate for another day. I think I would have to give it to Blake too, but that is not the issue here. You still haven't dealt with the fact that your boy was naked with a horse. Sherm loves his horses as any old cavalry guy would, but I'm surer than sure he's never been naked with one. Response?

Admittedly disturbing image

Sweaty Irishman: Sherman Potter took golden showers with Sofie. There I said it! I was trying not to drag his name through the mud but you left me no alternative.

Jewbacca: Sir, I cannot abide the depths to which you have dropped. When the old Korean soldier's daughter stole Sophie so that her father could salvage a shred of his pride, but Sherm thought she had run off, he cried real tears. There is no way a battle hardened, war tested US Army Regular Colonel with that much love for a horse would go the golden shower route. You sir are a scoundrel! And you still have not satisfactorily answered why your boy was naked with a horse. For shame!

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, I have thought long and hard (That's what she said) about this. I think I have a convincing closing argument as to why Harry is better than old Sherm. Harry's co-stars - Richard Harris, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Kenneth Brannaugh, Emma Thompson, Jason Isaccs, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Helena Bonham Carter. Sherman's co-stars - Alan Alda, Loretta Switt, Larry Linville, Jamie Farr (the devil), Gary Berghoff, William Christopher, David Ogden Stiers and Lt. Harris from the Police Academy Movies. Your mom was naked with a horse.

Jewbacca: Still no answer for your boy naked with the horse except for the mature mom joke (your mom was the horse). I'll move on and answer your "convincing" closing argument. Feast your eyes on Serman Potter's costars, beyond the obvious: Peter Reigert (Boon!), Rita Wilson, Blythe Danner, James Cromwell, Brian Dennehey, Edward Herrman, Alex Karras, Shelly Long, Jeffrey Tambor, Patrick Swayze, George Wendt. Sherm's co-stars: list of awesomeness that I would love to sit and drink with. Harry's co-stars (except the one that plays his almost legal girlfriend): a list of pasty-white, namby-pamby English wankers. Point Sherm.

Sweaty Irishman: I noticed you slipped Shelly Long in there. Deduct a half a point for that. I can't explain Harry's garment free romp with the horse, but to say you wish you could have done it. I can't do this though. I can't win. I have too much respect for good ole Sherm to say he is second best to anyone! They guy is still alive for craps sake! That should win him the argument right there! This guy was dry humping Mary Pickford while Harry ancestors were getting bombed by a short Austrian guy who's name escapes me. Sherman Potter is the best Potter. He wins. He will never know the money or financial success that Harry has but Sherman dry humped Mary Pickford.

I don't blame you Sherm! Mary is so very!

They made these kind of movies in the silent era?

Jewbacca: While wearing an onion on his belt, as that was the style at the time. I'm glad you see it my way. I'm sure Harry will someday be a good Potter, but for now. SHERMAN POTTER RULEZ!

Sweaty Irishman: Neither one of them hold a candle to Henry Potter from It's a Wonderful Life. Side Note. Sherman T. Potter was played by Henry "Harry" Morgan. Harry Potter, Henry Potter? Coincidence?

Jewbacca: I think not.

You Can Now Live (Vicariously) the Life of a Friendly Friend

Calm down. Deep breaths. I know. It's a lot to process. We Friendly Friends live non-stop go-go exciting lives. Personally, I am a jet-setting brain surgeon with a fleet of Lambos and jets at my disposal (by this I mean I have a Pacifica and a job as a government attorney). Sweaty Irishman is an international man of danger who woos some of the world's hottest women on a daily basis (and of course by this I mean he is happily married with the most adorable 3 month old).

Is it Tuesday already?

But through the magic of these here internets, we can bring you a day in the life of Sweaty Irishman and Jewbacca. We can now show you what two space-age marvels of masculine life in these crazy times spend their time doing between matadoring and saving lives:

Sweaty: If you could own a Peninsula filled with monsters or an island filled with rabid capuchin monkeys which would you choose? You have to live there by the way.

Jewbacca:Peninsula. not even close. Easier to escape.
If you could only drink one more beverage for the rest of your life,
and it would be as nutritious as any other but could still cause the
usual health problems (ie, beer still gets you drunk and fat and
stupid, but is as nutritious as milk for instance) what would you
drink?

We then went several minutes discussing why we would both choose water. But then, like an exciting, heart stopping bolt out of the blue:

Sweaty:If you could have access to one condiment the rest of your life, what would it be?

Jewbacca: Ranch Dressing. It is the condiment world's utility infielder who can
also pitch credibly and play all three outfield positions while
hitting .300 consistently. You can put it on everything: burgers, hot dogs, chicken, wings (I've done it in a pinch when bleu wasn't available), it is awesome to dip veggies into including french fries and stands in as a more flavorful substitution for mayo.
You?

Sweaty: God man, you make a strong case. You may have swayed me to Ranch. It is versatile. It is like the Luis Aguiyo of condiments. I was gonna say BBQ sauce at first, but I too choose ranch!

Can you handle it?? How can you go back to your workaday lives after seeing how we live? And add FFMatt into the mix (who is unfortunately on IR right now because he wrenched his back fighting ninjas cage fighting lifting a bag of cement mix) and there is no way your lives can provide one one-millionth the excitement that being a Friendly Friend generates.

MATT!! NO!!! YOUR BACK!!! IT'LL WRENCH!!!

I Thought I Was Crazy Until They Invented the Internet

The Friendly Friends are all roughly the same age, and all grew up in relative proximity to one another on the East Coast of the US. I say this because every so often one of us brings up a very hazy memory from when we were young'uns that none of us are 100% sure actually happened.

With the invent of teh Intrawebs and the Intertubes, it is much easier to determine if these things actually happened or if we are all batpoop crazy.

One of those particularly hazy memories is a pair of Saturday morning TV shows that we all vaguely remember. They were only broadcast on local Philly TV and they were on at some ungodly hour that only a six or seven year old eating bowl after bowl of Count Chocula would be up at.

These shows were StarStuff and The Candy Apple News Company.



Prior to actually searching for proof of their existence, we discussed what we remembered of them in an attempt to verify that either 1) we were all sane and remembering an actual TV show or 2) that our parents had entered all three of us into the same LSD test.

So, without further ado, The Friendly Friends Roundtable Discussion of StarStuff and The Candy Apple News Co.:

Sweaty Irishman, your moderator:

Let me start by asking a few questions about StarStuff & Candy Apple News. First StarStuff. Am I wrong to think that that space girl was HOT? Do I remember right that they played old Laurel & Hardy shorts? In regards to Candy Apple News, was there a talking Radio? Was their a bird living in the cuckoo clock?

Not exactly the same Space Girl from saturday mornings long ago.

FFMatt:

I barely remember Star Stuff. Looking at screen shots I know I saw it once or twice and probably dismissed it as a contact high given by the formative years during the 70's.CANC was on in the morning when I got dropped off and was waiting to go to school. Without the gory details it didn't raise anything but still-tender divorce children feelings

This was after he accused the Sweaty Irishman of being a "jerkass."

Jewbacca:

To answer Sweaty's questions, Space Girl made little Jewbacca's jammies tight. She was very hot and ranked up there at the time with Wonder Woman and Wilma Deering.

Wilma Deering. COLONEL Wilma Deering.

They absolutely played old Laurel and Hardy shorts. I remember the kid on Earth loading up big clunky cartridges into an ancient computer and "watching" them with the space girl. For what reason, I have no idea.

As for Candy Apple News Co., I do remember a talking radio, but I seem to remember that it only spoke in radio speak? If that makes sense.

And I believe it was a bat that lived in the clock and gave book reviews. I remember the book reviews because they once had a book on that I had just read (Encyclopedia Brown Chooses His Own Adventure Under the Giving Tree or something) and I felt this unbelievable closeness with my TV.

Now, a question for you two, did the Earth Kid have a black uncle?

The Earth Kid was white by the way.

Sweaty:

I believe he did.

I tried sticking an 8 trak tape into my Dad's Apple IIe computer. What didn't happen? No Laurel & Hardy shorts played. What did happen? My Dad took away my Zaxxon privileges.

Wow. No Zaxxon privileges. That is a very harsh punishment.

Sweaty also had this observation of FFMatt's childhood:

It's amazing how different life is through a kids eyes. As close as we were as little kids both in relationship and proximity and I never saw or noticed anything in regards to your living situation. In fact, I think I was more jealous than anything. All I saw was two homes, two Christmases, twice the gifts on birthdays as well, all the macaroni you could eat and you get to have astro turf INSIDE your kitchen!

Jewbacca, trying to get back on track:

Zaxxon is probably one of my all time favorite arcade video games. Truly ahead of its time.

I think that Space Girl was from the future. And that's why Earth Kid had to show her Laurel and Hardy shorts, to explain what life was like on Earth in the present....and that the copyright protection had apparently lapsed putting them into the public domain. No way they had the money for the rights.

FFMatt, catching up:

There was a black man, but I don't recall if he was anybody's uncle

Jewbacca:

I vividly recall an episode where Earth Kid was in bed with a broken leg and his black uncle came and sat in his room and showed him how to make a bird feeder.

So. Is it any wonder with these memories that we weren't 100% sure these shows existed? We never did get around to discussing Candy Apple News.

Based on our recollections, this show may or may not have featured:
1. A girl living in space
2. In the future
3. Who may have been considered hot by males between 8 and 12
4. Who spoke to a boy on earth
5. Living in the present day
6. Via an ancient computer
7. On which they watched Laurel and Hardy shorts
8. With his black uncle

Yikes. Again, how can this possibly be a real show?

FFMatt used his Internet prowess and came up with this website that explains it all.

For The Candy Apple News Company go here.
Check it out. And I had forgotten all about those silly space puppets.