Friday, June 29, 2007

Finally, an NBA Draft "Live" Blog I Am In Favor Of....

I hate the NBA. I really, really do. NBA basketball in general is a boring, boring game that features (for the most part) thugs running up and down a hardwood floor beating the crap out of each other. Watching even a "highlight" of this "action" on a "sports network" like ESPN moves me to tears. I cannot stand basketball.

The coverage of the NBA draft, which is only two rounds long and only allows for what, 60 people of a worldwide population of 7 billion to be drafted has been wall-to-wall for the last month it seems. I couldn't swing a dead cat here on the intarnet without hitting draft coverage. Mock drafts, draft analysis, player profiles, expert opinions, Dick was all too much.

So how is it that I can recommend what was, last night, a live blog of the draft? Go here and see for yourself...

Big ups to Insomniac's Lounge!!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Fastest to 100, First to 10,000

This guy has 100 career homers??? Stupid GIS!!

As you're aware by now, The Friendly Friends Hall of Mirth from which most of these dispatches emanate is located in the greater Philly metropolitan area (slogan: We're number 6!). As such the Official Baseball Team of the Friendly Friends is the Philadelphia Phightin' Phillies.

We've celebrated the good times, both of them, and we've gnashed our teeth and rent our clothing over the bad times. By bad times I mean most days that end in a "y". We've debated such minutiae as whether Abraham Nunez's slugging percentage made him an everyday player and Sweaty and I nearly completed our suicide pact on October 23, 1993 when Joe F'in Carter hit that home run. I ran around the campus of the U of Delaware like a lunatic when the Phils beat the Braves for the NL pennant that year. And I had a "We're #1" pennant on my wall through my whole childhood, courtesy of that 1980 team.

So it's no wonder that when great things happen to the Phils we take notice and take pride. Big ups then to Ryan Howard, who blasted a 505 foot homer last night to become the fastest player in MLB history to 100 career homeruns, beating Ralph Kiner by 60 games. And not only did it give Ryan the fastest to 100, it was the longest ever hit at the Bank.

Oh....this Ryan Howard

For the second part of the title, the Phils are poised to become the first team in professional sports history to reach 10,000 losses. Think on that for a second. Ten thousand losses. I guess when you've been a team since 1883, that will happen. But 10,000 losses is mind-boggling. I guess it can be taken as a matter of pride that our Phils have been around long enough to amass a record for futility such as this.

In Philly we have little to celebrate. An escalating murder rate, being bumped down the list of most populated cities (not because of the murder rate stupid, because Phoenix keeps annexing the surrounding area), 100 degree/100% humidity days, a failing infrastructure, etc., etc., etc. Why not celebrate 10,000 losses as a sign of longevity and a team that hasn't budged (in many different ways) in 124 years?

From the inception of the Vet in 1971 until 1982, the Phillies' Ball Girls wore "hot pants" and were known as the "Hot Pants Patrol." These girls are also wearing hot pants. And appear to be ready to go on patrol. In their hot pants. QED.

Happy Birthday to KSK

While the image above, which captures an obviously drunk Joe Willie Namath trying to smooch a bemused Suzy Kolber, took place almost four years ago, the website named in honor of the event celebrates its first birthday today.

Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the best sports (mostly NFL) blogs out there today. And they're having a party. And they've invited some special guests. I implore you to go check it out and wish the Gay Mafia a happy 1st birthday.

Someone be sure to get pictures of them smearing the cake all over their cute little faces!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#987 - Solid Gold

Solid Gold, for those young'uns out there, was a hip television program that came on on Saturday nights, usually around the time that my parents were heading out for the evening, leaving an unsuspecting babysitter to watch me and the Mighty Malagan. We wouldn't miss this show for the world.

Solid Gold was hosted by Marilyn McCoo and some dude who I do not remember for a second. It was, quite simply, a music countdown show that had "live" (more on that in a second) performances by the day's hottest musicians and bands. Why, just below is one of those hot bands:

That's right....DeBarge!

More importantly Solid Gold also featured the Solid Gold Dancers! This was by far the most T&A available on cable to a young Jewbacca (short of those channels that were so scrambled that after about 5 minutes of watching I felt like I was having a seizure). Watch this wonderful clip to see what I mean, it's 4 minutes and 35 seconds of pure 80's bliss complete with scantily clad women. And pay close attention to where a former Beatle ranked that week.

More importantly, Solid Gold taught me 3 important things about music:

1. Naked Eyes did not employ some sort of amazing drummer for their smash hit "Always Something There to Remind Me."
I will never forget when they made their appearance to play their song and the rhythm section was one dude and some sort of strange looking machine. A drum machine. I was never the same after that.

2. Michael McDonald? He's white!
He shows up to sing "Yah Mo Be There" and he's not a black dude. I think I spit most of my Spaghettio's (with meatballs) across the room onto the 19 inch Zenith. I had no idea, I had never seen him before.

3. Did you know that artists lip sync their performances sometimes?
I couldn't figure out why the band would be bowing, the crowd applauding and the music...still playing?? What was up with that? They were apparently lip syncing.

And as a reward for getting to the end -- more Solid Gold Dancers!

For Sweaty, since his work won't allow him to access YouTube anymore...

Monday, June 25, 2007

My Hobbies Include Skinny Skiing, Going to Bullfights on Acid...

As well as a thriving career in the exciting world of government law, I moonlight as a volunteer firefighter. Below is about 8 minutes of footage from a working fire about three weeks ago. For a special treat, pay close attention at the 6:30 mark at the two guys moving across the screen. I'm the tall guy on the right.

It's funny. One minute it's 1:40 am and you're sound asleep, the next you're in full turn-out gear in the back of a fire engine. Then you're walking up to this sight, not quite sure how you got there or why you're not in your nice warm bed.

Special thanks to Glenside Fire Co. #1 and to Tom Kirk of Abington News and Views for the footage.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Celebrate Good Times, Come on! (with non-viewable White Man Dancing moves)

Today is FFMatt’s birthday! Let us look back at some of the people and places that are in the shadow of this man’s bony ass!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Friendly Friend...

People Who's Ass I could & should kick, born on FFMatt’s birthday

1. Prince William of Wales
2. Juliette Lewis
3. Kip Winger

People who FFMatt draws better then, born on his birthday

1. Al Hirschfeld
2. Rockwell Kent

People I'd bang, born on FFMatt’s birthday

1. Jane Russell (then, not now)
2. Meredith Baxter-Birney (Family Ties Version)
4. Martha Washington (wild revolutionary sex)

Underrated Film/TV people, born on FFMatt’s birthday

1. Michael Gross
2. Joe Flaherty

Celebrities that probably smell, born on FFMatt’s birthday.

1. Maureen Stapleton (moth balls and wet pillows)

People who died on FFMatt’s birthday

1. General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna (Made famous by Jan Hooks in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)

FFNate, the best present ever

People who are cooler than FFMatt, born on his birthday

1. FFMatt’s son, Nate

Historical events on FFMatt’s Birthday:
1633 - Galileo Galilei is forced by Inquisition to "abjure, curse, and detest" his Copernican heliocentric views
1788 - US Constitution goes into effect as NH is 9th to ratify
1834 Cyrus Hall McCormick patents reaping machine
1893 1st Ferris wheel premieres (Chicago's Columbian Exposition)
1919 Germans scuttle their own fleet

1938 Baseball's Pinky Higgins gets 12th straight hit
1942 Rommel takes Tobruk in North Africa
1945 Japanese forces on Okinawa surrender to US during WW II

1975 - "Jaws" by Steven Spielberg opens
1985 American, Brazilian & West German forensic pathologists confirm skeletal remains exhumed in Brazil were Nazi Dr Josef Mengele

1987 Mike Tyson sexually harasses a parking lot attendant

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

10 things sure to happen to the Jewbaccas on their Jamaican Jaunt ™

The Jewbaccas are on vacation. While Sweaty and I do our best to carry on without envy or malice we rest assured that fate is on our side, has a passport, and is fixing the karma wheel to come down hard in paradise.

  1. In witness to their visit, the island is renamed Jewmaica. The gross national product becomes curly hair and the chief export... modest slacks.

  2. Horrible, horrible Herpes parrots!!!

  3. Jewbacca reenacts Steven Segal’s Marked for Death with every alarmed Jamaican male he meets, yelling, “NO! This one is Screwface! HIIIYAHH!!!” Blames rum and commitment.

  4. Shortly after returning home Jewbacca loses his job because he won't stop addressing the Judge as "Mon".

  5. While at a restaurant Jewbacca misunderstands a waitress as she recites the dinner special of "Jerk Chicken". A brawl ensues and Mrs. Jewbacca is forced to bail Jewbacca out of a Jamaican jail. The incident is compounded by the fact that their insurance does not cover the removal of drink umbrellas in Jewbacca's numerous orifices.

  6. Mrs. Jewbacca calls the Jamaican authorities, revealing that Jewbacca left earlier that morning in a Sunfish loaded with weapons, in the direction of Cuba, stating,” I’m finally gonna straighten this shit out honey.”

  7. Jewbacca adds Jamaica to his list of “Places I Did Poo-Poos In”

  8. Mrs. Jewbacca is the only one to return from the vacation. It is believed she snapped after Jewbacca's gross over use of the "Jamaican me" line. Police investigators believe it was "Jamaican me horny" that put her over the edge. Police drop all charges.

  9. Jewbacca OD’s at a double bill beach concert featuring Shabba Ranks and Peter Cetera. Mrs. Jewbacca fakes death and leads an army of reformed drug mules to defraud Citrucel in open court by claiming that “this stuff just doesn’t produce.”

  10. Jewbacca meets an enormous sea turtle in unarmed combat and wins, Mrs. Jewbacca rides the media frenzy and lands lucrative “Totally Dead Huge Sea Turtle” pinup girl status. Line of breakfast cereals recalled for above-average urine content.

All hot Latino women worry about Jewbacca getting near her turtles.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#988 - Vacation

The magnum opus by the Go-Go's becomes the first individual song to make the D-1000 List!

PSYCH. Just kidding about that. Not that the Go-Go's aren't wonderful ladies and all, but the actual entry is simply vacation

It's been just about 7 years since I entered into marital bliss with Mrs. Jewbacca. And it's been about that long since we've had a vacation just the two of us. Our honeymoon was in a rented cabin in the Poconos, and while nice, it wasn't the relaxing sun-soaked affair or exciting adventure trek that most people plan. What with all the firewood that needed to be chopped and freshly killed animals that needed to be dressed and processed so we could eat, we barely had time to just sit and bask in the glow of our new marriage.

Mrs. Jewbacca is quite a shot. We ate lots of cute woodland creatures that week.

Vacations since then have involved renting various shore houses with Mrs. Jewbacca's family. Not entirely relaxing either.

So we are overdue for this jaunt. We leave in a couple of days for a week of girlie drinks and sunburn on the beach in Jamaica.

Our travel agent.

A week away from the grind as the only husband-wife team of hired assassins working for the AARP. It's tough work, but the bennies are amazing. For every 25 baby boomers we "remove" from the membership rolls we get a gift card to the local Cheesecake Factory. It is a well deserved break.

But why is Vacation, a sort of nebulous concept really, on the list. First of all, because we say so. Second of all, vacation is awesome. It doesn't always matter where you go or how you get there. The concept of "being on vacation" is what matters. Eating food you aren't normally supposed to at home (such as Krispie Kremes for breakfast every morning), drinking copious amounts of beer in public (nothing like a six of High Life on the beach) and seeing the sights (like the inside of my eyelids after the aforementioned sixer of High Life) all on a WEEKDAY (!!!) are what make vacation D-1000 List-worthy.

This is Scarlett Johansson on Jamaica.

So suck it. While the temps rise into the 90's with 100% humidity here in PA, think of me sitting on the beach with a fruity drink in my hand.

And try to keep your lunch down.

I leave you in the good hands of the Sweaty Irishman and FFMatt.

I couldn't leave the massive cross section of Friendly Friends who are also fans of the Go-Go's hangin.....

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

You Can Now Live (Vicariously) the Life of a Friendly Friend

Calm down. Deep breaths. I know. It's a lot to process. We Friendly Friends live non-stop go-go exciting lives. Personally, I am a jet-setting brain surgeon with a fleet of Lambos and jets at my disposal (by this I mean I have a Pacifica and a job as a government attorney). Sweaty Irishman is an international man of danger who woos some of the world's hottest women on a daily basis (and of course by this I mean he is happily married with the most adorable 3 month old).

Is it Tuesday already?

But through the magic of these here internets, we can bring you a day in the life of Sweaty Irishman and Jewbacca. We can now show you what two space-age marvels of masculine life in these crazy times spend their time doing between matadoring and saving lives:

Sweaty: If you could own a Peninsula filled with monsters or an island filled with rabid capuchin monkeys which would you choose? You have to live there by the way.

Jewbacca:Peninsula. not even close. Easier to escape.
If you could only drink one more beverage for the rest of your life,
and it would be as nutritious as any other but could still cause the
usual health problems (ie, beer still gets you drunk and fat and
stupid, but is as nutritious as milk for instance) what would you

We then went several minutes discussing why we would both choose water. But then, like an exciting, heart stopping bolt out of the blue:

Sweaty:If you could have access to one condiment the rest of your life, what would it be?

Jewbacca: Ranch Dressing. It is the condiment world's utility infielder who can
also pitch credibly and play all three outfield positions while
hitting .300 consistently. You can put it on everything: burgers, hot dogs, chicken, wings (I've done it in a pinch when bleu wasn't available), it is awesome to dip veggies into including french fries and stands in as a more flavorful substitution for mayo.

Sweaty: God man, you make a strong case. You may have swayed me to Ranch. It is versatile. It is like the Luis Aguiyo of condiments. I was gonna say BBQ sauce at first, but I too choose ranch!

Can you handle it?? How can you go back to your workaday lives after seeing how we live? And add FFMatt into the mix (who is unfortunately on IR right now because he wrenched his back fighting ninjas cage fighting lifting a bag of cement mix) and there is no way your lives can provide one one-millionth the excitement that being a Friendly Friend generates.


Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Now With 43% Less Rage...

As I try to recover from serious injuries inflicted by Definitive 1000 Item No. 989 (see below for more details, and Sweaty, you left out that 1973 Buick that we augured through), I find myself turning my thoughts inward once again, but in a nice way this time.

So dust off the Haggadahs and the scale models of the pyramids you made out of kugel. It's time for another installment of Jewbacca's Four Questions:


1. If Bonita Applebaum married Bob Dobalina (Mr. Bob Dobalina) would she keep her own last name?
Personally, I don't see why she would. Bonita Dobalina has such a nice ring to it.

I can't remember important things because I have had Bob Dobalina (Mr. Bob Dobalina) stuck on a continuous loop in my brain for perhaps 11 years now.

For those of you who do not understand how this could be, take a peek below, at your own risk:

2. Can we all agree that "take it to the next level" and "X brings X to the table" should be banned?
These are nails on a blackboard annoying for me. Seems to me that these used to be strictly sports cliches that have been co-opted by the rest of the world. It used to be that a team needed to "take it to the next level" to win in the playoffs or that "our tentative first round draft pick brings speed and quickness to the table."

Now it seems that everyone has decided to use these awful cliches. I swear I heard a cop say on the news the other night that they need to take their investigations to the next level to stop the skyrocketing homicide rate in Philly and Bush say that Putin brings a lot of anger to the table in regard to the missile defense system in Europe.

3. In that new Heineken commercial where the guy is on his way into the party with that new keg thing and the big sandwich and the other guy steals the keg and claims he brought it, why doesn't guy No. 1 punch the other guy's lights out?

Is it because it's imported? Foreign people are more peaceful than Americans? Drinking a nice domestic beer like Bud Light will apparently expose you to an actual rock being thrown at your head in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors or an angry guard squirrel, if commercials have taught me anything.

Stand up for yourself import boy.

Take her Bud Light and you'll have a fifty foot woman stompin' yo' ass.

4. If the guy that invented the Blackberry moves the Predators to Winnipeg will they be the Jets again?

Or would he take a page from the New York MLS team (Red Bulls) and name them after a product like, say, the Blackberry?

You know where this is going don't you? Winnipeg Blackberries. Blackberry, blueberry. Blueberry, raspberry. Raspberry, Schnozzberry. Schnozzberry, Dingleberry.

And there you have it. The Winnipeg Dingleberries. Mr. Balsilie, may I suggest you avoid future problems and simply go back to the Jets.

You don't want to know what a GIS returns for "dingleberries." Please enjoy these Canadian swimsuit models instead.

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Monday, June 4, 2007

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.
#989 - One Man Power Auger

Never have I loved and loathed a piece of machinery more than the one man power auger. I had my first and unfortunately not my last experience with this power tool this past weekend. SweatyIrishman is in the process of installing a privacy fence in his backyard. I was lucky enough to employ the help of Jewbacca amongst others. It was clear from the 90 degree muggy weather that SweatyIrishman would need at least 4 shirts and three hats for this job. To try and make things easier on all involved I rented this tool from my local hardware store. For some reason I imagined myself holding a lightweight drill that plunged 3 feet into the earth like a tortilla chip into buffalo chicken dip.

What we actually experience was very very different. I realized after 2 minutes of using this machine that my house was apparently built on a steel plate. My always give up, always give in attitude had me wanting to go watch Finding Nemo with my 3 month old 5 minutes in, but thanks to the support system I had with me that weekend, we forged ahead. Whether it be rock hard soil, massive tree roots, brick walls...whatever it was that auger hit, we had a sharp pain and corresponding curse word to go along with it. Each of the three of us that operated the Auger had at least one near death/compound fracture experience. With this wonder tool, we were only able to dig half of the holes required for this mega-fence. The only thing that kept me from dropping my pantaloons and defecating on the auger was the thought of having to dig all of these holes by hand, which would most likely cause the end of 3 friendships, 2 marriages and the deaths of several woodland creatures.

What we most enjoyed was watching the auger drill get stuck in my demon earth as the handles spun unmercifully out of control. Below please view some pictures of the various things we encountered and had to drill through to reach the breathtaking depth of 2 feet.

The Fraggles were not nearly as helpful as I thought they would the end, this is what the first hole looked like...