Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Now With 43% Less Rage...

As I try to recover from serious injuries inflicted by Definitive 1000 Item No. 989 (see below for more details, and Sweaty, you left out that 1973 Buick that we augured through), I find myself turning my thoughts inward once again, but in a nice way this time.

So dust off the Haggadahs and the scale models of the pyramids you made out of kugel. It's time for another installment of Jewbacca's Four Questions:


1. If Bonita Applebaum married Bob Dobalina (Mr. Bob Dobalina) would she keep her own last name?
Personally, I don't see why she would. Bonita Dobalina has such a nice ring to it.

I can't remember important things because I have had Bob Dobalina (Mr. Bob Dobalina) stuck on a continuous loop in my brain for perhaps 11 years now.

For those of you who do not understand how this could be, take a peek below, at your own risk:

2. Can we all agree that "take it to the next level" and "X brings X to the table" should be banned?
These are nails on a blackboard annoying for me. Seems to me that these used to be strictly sports cliches that have been co-opted by the rest of the world. It used to be that a team needed to "take it to the next level" to win in the playoffs or that "our tentative first round draft pick brings speed and quickness to the table."

Now it seems that everyone has decided to use these awful cliches. I swear I heard a cop say on the news the other night that they need to take their investigations to the next level to stop the skyrocketing homicide rate in Philly and Bush say that Putin brings a lot of anger to the table in regard to the missile defense system in Europe.

3. In that new Heineken commercial where the guy is on his way into the party with that new keg thing and the big sandwich and the other guy steals the keg and claims he brought it, why doesn't guy No. 1 punch the other guy's lights out?

Is it because it's imported? Foreign people are more peaceful than Americans? Drinking a nice domestic beer like Bud Light will apparently expose you to an actual rock being thrown at your head in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors or an angry guard squirrel, if commercials have taught me anything.

Stand up for yourself import boy.

Take her Bud Light and you'll have a fifty foot woman stompin' yo' ass.

4. If the guy that invented the Blackberry moves the Predators to Winnipeg will they be the Jets again?

Or would he take a page from the New York MLS team (Red Bulls) and name them after a product like, say, the Blackberry?

You know where this is going don't you? Winnipeg Blackberries. Blackberry, blueberry. Blueberry, raspberry. Raspberry, Schnozzberry. Schnozzberry, Dingleberry.

And there you have it. The Winnipeg Dingleberries. Mr. Balsilie, may I suggest you avoid future problems and simply go back to the Jets.

You don't want to know what a GIS returns for "dingleberries." Please enjoy these Canadian swimsuit models instead.

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

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