Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Jessica: Built for one thing and one thing only: pure stank.

Like many true Friendly Friends you know, I arrested my development during the 70’s and 80’s. If I learned anything from that time it’s this:

The Dukes of Hazzard blew people’s minds and they couldn’t handle it.

What does that have to do with wafting stardom?

If Hollywood is Hell then this woman manages to keep her hair (and shirt) shiny and full of bounce by wallowing in slushy pools of liquid methane, choked with the corpses of Duke fans, payment for the dark evil she unleashed into a god-loving world of bridge- jumping ’69 Chargers and the perfect Daisy Duke Catherine Bach (see Real Women, below.) But we don’t need to get all Dante up in this mug to know that the truth probably stinks in the mortal world, (performances aside) suffice it to say her desecration makes me herniate pure kill energy right out of my hiney.

And with that we arrive at Jessica Simpson.

Many summers ago, while sleep-walking, I dreamt I was holding Jessica in a soft embrace, not aware that I had ended up in the polar bear exhibit at the Philadelphia Zoo. As the polar bear confusedly returned my gentle embrace I was unconsciously shown what Jessica must smell like: white-hot, wet polar fur and the cloying, salty musk of briny, standing birdbath water. I had the impression of cold chicken soup or maybe the salt-lick signature of a scrotum-like newborn bird. The polar bear suddenly jetted hot bear urine through my corduroy pants (bonus effect) when I awoke suddenly and issued a muffled scream into it’s trembling solar plexus, completing my olfactory dance with Ms. Simpson with a zesty-smelling tranquilizer dart for both myself and the bear, compliments of Philadelphia’s finest.

When I awoke in the prosecutor’s office I realized I would never sniff Jessica the same way again, having seen the light in a large bear’s shadow, having danced with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

She's the best... rear end of story.