Monday, July 23, 2007

Who is the better "Potter"?

Harry Potter vs. Sherman Potter

(A war of words between two guys who get flustered ordering a Moons over My Hammy at Denny's)
(Best breakfast sandwich ever!)

Being that Jewbacca is too cool to read or watch any of the Harry Potter's, Sweaty Irishman will take the Pro Magical Potter and Jewbacca will take the undoubtedly hemroidal Potter.

Sweaty Irishman: Although I am keen on both versions of Potter, I am going to take the Harry side of the debate as Jewbacca is absolutely clueless about the boy wizard, but his knowledge of Sherman Potter AKA Harry Morgan is extensive and even intimate.

Jewbacca: Truer words have never been spoken Sweaty. I truly know nothing about this Harry Potter I keep hearing about, other than the fact that his girlfriend (He means Hermione.) gets hotter every year. She is legal right?
Jewbacca jail bait

Sweaty Irishman: First off, lets all condescendingly laugh at Jewbacca's lack of Harry Potter relationship knowledge. Now, I don't know what the rules are in the wizarding world, but being that she is still 17, unless you want to end up in Azkaban you should keep your wand in your trousers.

Jewbacca: Ho ho! Azkaban huh? Nice this time of year? I get the gist and I will keep the wand in it's holster and think pure thoughts.

Sweaty Irishman: Well I don't know how pure your thoughts can be when discussing the likes of Sherman T. Potter. You know you can't control yourself or your buffalo bagels. I will start things off by stating that Harry Potter is clearly the number 1 Potter on the market. He has become an icon amongst many generations. 7 best seller books, 5 top box office films with 2 to come. One nude appearance on a London stage not to mention the fact that he scored with that Scottish/Asian witch. Who knew Harry Potter had the yellow fever? The only thing you can say for Sherman Potter was that he like horses and played a coward in High Noon. He did appear nude as well, but in your giant IKEA armoire doesn't count.

Strangely arousing?

Jewbacca: Wait, Scottish/Asian witch? Who is that?? I admit that I have a hard time controlling myself in discussing Sherman T. Potter. When he fires off a "Horse Hockey" or the like I cannot contain my glee. And the fact that he is in my giant IKEA armoir is an issue for me and Sherm to deal with. Now, remember, Sherm also played the wise and learned judge in the Scopes Monkey Trial. He found the were withal and the wisdom to accept the jury's verdict but still only fine Kate's $100. A giant in the world of jurisprudence. And didn't Harry get naked with a horse???

There was actually an image for Horse Hockey!

Sweaty Irishman: Oh, you will hear more about Cho later. I am saving the big guns. I think the best way to handle this is to try and put each Potter in the others situation. How would Sherman handle being ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians and a half Giant with a romantic abnormality towards cold blooded things. Sherman may be a wiz with the equine, but lets see him on a Hippogriff.

Katie Leung: Hot Asian/Celtic Witches (Very specific category)

Jewbacca: Allow me to retort. First off, Sherm would not be ridiculed by a bunch of prepubescent magicians. He would glare at them with his steely eyes until they obeyed him. He would not raise his voice, and he would have them casting nothing but homespun spells that bring peace to the police action in Korea. I think it's obvious how he would handle he half-giant situation, and that would be to walk him and pitch to the giraffe. Or is that what he would do with and elephant with three balls? And lastly, he would throw a saddle on the Hippowhasis and ride it like Sophie. It would remind him of his days in the real infantry in WWI.

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, get your fact straight man. He was in the Calvary in WWI. He wore an onion on his belt, which was the fashion of the time. Now, being that I won that part of the argument lets move on to Harry running a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital in Korea. All the Hawkeyes, Frank Burns's's's, BJ's (that's what she said), Hot Lips, Klingers and Radars on the 39th parallel could not intimidate Harry Potter! He has faced death several times. Do you think he will have trouble with some zany surgeons and lots of sexual innuendo? I don't. In fact, if Harry had been involved that Police Action would have been over in 24 weeks! Sherman could not even make up his mind what he was! One day he is Colonel of M*A*S*H 4077, the next he is a bigoted General who likes to do soft shoe.

Harry about to kick some North Korean ass!

Jewbacca: I corrected myself by the way about the cavalry thing. You must have gone out for second to read the last page of your new doorstop.

Sweaty Irishman: You corrected the Calvary thing, but you still had the wrong War!

Jewbacca: Now. The little bit I've seen of this Harry Potter fellow, he is usually whining in a Peter Brady-esque cracked voice. He is getting his butt kicked while flying around on a broom or dropping his wand (that's what she said) or using the wrong spell for the occasion. Sherman Potter is unflappable. He rides herd over the 4-0-seven seven with an iron fist inside of a velvet glove. Clearly the bigoted general was his evil twin, so there is no way to hold that against Sherm. He is able to guide and cajole the likes of B.F. "Hawkeye" Pierce, Bea Jay Honeycutt, Max Kilinger, Walter "Radar" O'Reilly, Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Frank "Ferret Face" Burns and Charles "Chuck" Winchester into a life saving, life mending force without compare. How many times has Squeaky Potter resected a bowel or removed shrapnel from a spleen? I would guess zero. He was able to get the best out of all of his doctors and still dispense homespun wisdom, grandfatherly care and he was able to trick Klinger into staying in the army on more than one occasion. And for your info, Sherm served on a horse in WWI and as a Doctor in WWII so suck it. Point, Sherm.

Average day at M*A*S*H 4077

Sweaty Irishman: Let me ask you this...who would you rather bang, Cho Chang or Mildred? I disqualify myself cause I done them both!

Jewbacca: I have to give it to Cho Chang over Mildred considering that picture of Mildred on Sherms desk looked like him in drag. So you concede the point to Sherm for who would run the MASH better? Thought so.

Sweaty Irishman: No I am not! Ok, I am. Sherman ran a fine good MASH but Sherman didn't have to deal with the 4077 at it's craziest. Frank Burns, and Five O'Clock Charlie, Spearchucker Jones and MacArthur...all problems Sherman never had to face. It drove poor Henry Blake to his grave! That and the anti-air artillery. Harry has dealt with the meat of the problems at Hogwarts. You try battling bad skin and the dark lord in the same week!

Jewbacca: That's another debate for another day. I think I would have to give it to Blake too, but that is not the issue here. You still haven't dealt with the fact that your boy was naked with a horse. Sherm loves his horses as any old cavalry guy would, but I'm surer than sure he's never been naked with one. Response?

Admittedly disturbing image

Sweaty Irishman: Sherman Potter took golden showers with Sofie. There I said it! I was trying not to drag his name through the mud but you left me no alternative.

Jewbacca: Sir, I cannot abide the depths to which you have dropped. When the old Korean soldier's daughter stole Sophie so that her father could salvage a shred of his pride, but Sherm thought she had run off, he cried real tears. There is no way a battle hardened, war tested US Army Regular Colonel with that much love for a horse would go the golden shower route. You sir are a scoundrel! And you still have not satisfactorily answered why your boy was naked with a horse. For shame!

Sweaty Irishman: Ok, I have thought long and hard (That's what she said) about this. I think I have a convincing closing argument as to why Harry is better than old Sherm. Harry's co-stars - Richard Harris, Alan Rickman, Maggie Smith, Kenneth Brannaugh, Emma Thompson, Jason Isaccs, Brendan Gleeson, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Helena Bonham Carter. Sherman's co-stars - Alan Alda, Loretta Switt, Larry Linville, Jamie Farr (the devil), Gary Berghoff, William Christopher, David Ogden Stiers and Lt. Harris from the Police Academy Movies. Your mom was naked with a horse.

Jewbacca: Still no answer for your boy naked with the horse except for the mature mom joke (your mom was the horse). I'll move on and answer your "convincing" closing argument. Feast your eyes on Serman Potter's costars, beyond the obvious: Peter Reigert (Boon!), Rita Wilson, Blythe Danner, James Cromwell, Brian Dennehey, Edward Herrman, Alex Karras, Shelly Long, Jeffrey Tambor, Patrick Swayze, George Wendt. Sherm's co-stars: list of awesomeness that I would love to sit and drink with. Harry's co-stars (except the one that plays his almost legal girlfriend): a list of pasty-white, namby-pamby English wankers. Point Sherm.

Sweaty Irishman: I noticed you slipped Shelly Long in there. Deduct a half a point for that. I can't explain Harry's garment free romp with the horse, but to say you wish you could have done it. I can't do this though. I can't win. I have too much respect for good ole Sherm to say he is second best to anyone! They guy is still alive for craps sake! That should win him the argument right there! This guy was dry humping Mary Pickford while Harry ancestors were getting bombed by a short Austrian guy who's name escapes me. Sherman Potter is the best Potter. He wins. He will never know the money or financial success that Harry has but Sherman dry humped Mary Pickford.

I don't blame you Sherm! Mary is so very!

They made these kind of movies in the silent era?

Jewbacca: While wearing an onion on his belt, as that was the style at the time. I'm glad you see it my way. I'm sure Harry will someday be a good Potter, but for now. SHERMAN POTTER RULEZ!
Sweaty Irishman: Neither one of them hold a candle to Henry Potter from It's a Wonderful Life. Side Note. Sherman T. Potter was played by Henry "Harry" Morgan. Harry Potter, Henry Potter? Coincidence?
Jewbacca: I think not.

1 comment:

FFMatt said...

I expect that Sherman Potter isn't sitting on a 41 million trust like Harry is. And if he had something like that in the 80's, he blew it all on Civil War reenactments gear, a full-sized Galga from Midway and indoor "talkies" home thee-ate-er.

Based solely on pure earning power, Harry wins. Based soley on the real-life throbbing vein that popped up in Henry Morgan's temple when Jamie Farr was on camera, Sherman wins.

It's a tie. And with that, everyone loses.