Celebrities that Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

The look that launched a thousand Hepa filters.

Wow. You feel that in your nose? The change in sinus pressure like the bow wake before a thunderstorm? That tinny taste in your throat?

Gotcha. You aren’t sucking on a Luden’s watch battery, you are thinking about Jonathan Pryce.

You know it. He knows it. So let’s just stop the pretending and get really real:

A steaming mug of Pepto Bismol. A suprised skunk. A prostitutes pillow case in July.

It is impossible to believe that isn’t what our esteemed actor, who is known for playing slight, effete, quirky, scary and always off-center roles both on and off the stage must smell like.

If you don't believe me then attend the local role playing game convention, stand in the men's room and say "Pryce" out loud. You will receive (unwashed) high fives from heavily costumed wizards, orcs, warriors, theives and C++ programmers who defer to their inspiration in persperation.

No better time than the 4th of July to declare our independence of effervescence by fanning the face of freedom due to a British aromatic actor, a Celebrity… That Probably Smells.

See the armed guy next to Pryce? With the pinched face? He isn't acting... he's that close.

A Day Late and a Chocolate Gelt short...

Happy Birthday...Mr. Jewbacca...

Yesterday was Jewbacca’s birthday! Let us all take a moment to pay homage to this man by seeing what other March 26th events remain in the shadow of the birth of the finest Jew since JC.

People born on this day that you are more awesome then:
1. Tennessee Williams – Glass Menagerie Shmenagerie
2. Robert Frost – Fire and Ice? Your last name is Frost…not too creative man!
3. Marcus Allen – His NFL skills can not match your Mutant League Football skills


People whose ass I could kick born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Sandra Day O’Conner – She’s so judgmental
2. Al Jolson – Stick to the talkies and leave the ass kicking to me
3. Jennifer Grey – No one puts Jewbacca in a corner

Wow...

People I’d bang born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Sandra Day O’Connor – 5 minute recess anyone?
2. Keira Knightley – She’s British and naughty.
3. Nancy Pelosi – It’s a long story but it ends with me as President of the U.S.

Whatever you're selling, I'm buying!

Awesome Film/TV People born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Alan Arkin – Serpentine Jewbacca!
2. Leonard Nimoy – He hasn’t done anything! “Haven’t I?”
3. Ernest Thomas – A black man who made Bill Gates look cool.

Celebrity that probably smells born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Diana Ross – (Maple Syrup & Tire Fire)

I'd have a hangover, but I don't think it'd be from Sweet Love

Delicious people who were born on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Duncan Hines – Cake…that’s all I have to say…cake.

People who died on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. Ludwig Van Beethoven – Made great film about a St. Bernard
2. Walt Whitman – Love his bridges

Historical Events on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. (1953) Dr. Jonas Salk finds cure for Polio…FDR says “Thanks for nothing!”
2. (1878) Hastings College of Law is founded – Pfft…lawyers
3. (1937) Spinach growers in Crystal Texas erect a statue of Popeye

I think the color adds to the classiness of it.

Sporting News on Jewbacca’s birthday:
1. (03/26/1975) Washington Capitals play an NHL record 37th road game without a win. Also set NHL record of 17 straight loses
2. (1915) Vancouver Millionaires sweep Ottawa Senators for the Stanley Cup

Their best play was called The 23 Scadoo

Happy Birthday Jewbacca! You truly are King of Kings!

By the way… I calculated your draft information on ChannelOne.com based on your birthday you would have been sent to Vietnam at the get go.

Celebrities that Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

He might smell like what a bad touch would feel like.

What might you smell when you throw a pillowcase full of dead canaries, window glazing compound and moldy coffee into a vaporizer and turn it on? This guy. Just don’t tell him I said so. Me afraid… no, us afraid, us all afraid… of Carrot Top.

The juice I just created in your mind seems just perfect as a stench that Carrot Top would issue. That enough? Too bad. Let me take it a step further for you, and bring it all home.

Kitty litter. With kitty litter, dead canaries, rotting cloth, sickly-sweet moldy coffee and actinic window glaze I just described the smell of a typical corpse from your average funeral home.

And with that, I leave you to drop everything and get to minimum safe distance from a makeup-less party clown that has to smell as dead as the links to a Ralph Nader in ’04 website, a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Jessica: Built for one thing and one thing only: pure stank.

Like many true Friendly Friends you know, I arrested my development during the 70’s and 80’s. If I learned anything from that time it’s this:

The Dukes of Hazzard blew people’s minds and they couldn’t handle it.

What does that have to do with wafting stardom?

If Hollywood is Hell then this woman manages to keep her hair (and shirt) shiny and full of bounce by wallowing in slushy pools of liquid methane, choked with the corpses of Duke fans, payment for the dark evil she unleashed into a god-loving world of bridge- jumping ’69 Chargers and the perfect Daisy Duke Catherine Bach (see Real Women, below.) But we don’t need to get all Dante up in this mug to know that the truth probably stinks in the mortal world, (performances aside) suffice it to say her desecration makes me herniate pure kill energy right out of my hiney.

And with that we arrive at Jessica Simpson.

Many summers ago, while sleep-walking, I dreamt I was holding Jessica in a soft embrace, not aware that I had ended up in the polar bear exhibit at the Philadelphia Zoo. As the polar bear confusedly returned my gentle embrace I was unconsciously shown what Jessica must smell like: white-hot, wet polar fur and the cloying, salty musk of briny, standing birdbath water. I had the impression of cold chicken soup or maybe the salt-lick signature of a scrotum-like newborn bird. The polar bear suddenly jetted hot bear urine through my corduroy pants (bonus effect) when I awoke suddenly and issued a muffled scream into it’s trembling solar plexus, completing my olfactory dance with Ms. Simpson with a zesty-smelling tranquilizer dart for both myself and the bear, compliments of Philadelphia’s finest.

When I awoke in the prosecutor’s office I realized I would never sniff Jessica the same way again, having seen the light in a large bear’s shadow, having danced with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

She's the best... rear end of story.

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

"Your Honor, I have no knowlege of those handbags with pleas for rescue and my slip address hand-stitched on them..."

Here’s something that absolutely did not happen to me in high school: I was in Hang Gliding class and I caught a bad downdraft that sent me spiraling into a lagoon. Although I descended rapidly from high altitude and landed perfectly safe in my famous Bruce Lee pose, it was only then that I faced real danger, of which I could smell, having had a nose for such things at the time.

Landing on Minnie Driver’s houseboat (uninvited) brought the full wrath of the actress smelling down upon me. Her kisses were like unflavored dental floss and her embrace was like holding an old canvas tent that was tanned in the Tuscan sun with flat Pepsi and Wite-Out. Her hair was scented like Play-Doh dried in a day care carpet.

Trespassing against this sea witch found me captive in her wretched cabin, sewing counterfit Coach and Fendi handbags for the streets of Camden, New Jersey and taking messages all day from a man she code named “Mr. Sterious” who ironically was in the bathroom the whole time.

Only with the apex of the Summer moon and the rhythmic pairing of low tide and 2 cases of Wild Irish Rose did I make good my escape by asking about her knife fight with Izabella Scorupco behind a trailer on the set of GoldenEye and sending her into a blind rage. Works everytime.

Now I'll be a cowgirl and you be the sandwich-starved plaything that dances for freedom... STOP the crying, NOW...

To this day, the ocean wind's rich bouquet threatens me with the memory of a long day of servitude, rashes and malodorous intent with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Wilford: Once cut a man that called him "playa."

In 1985 the word “Emmy” meant little to little me but Ewoks… there’s a slice of fried gold to a Star Wars pup. The Battle for Endor was a TV movie starring Wilford Brimley that actually received nominations and an Emmy. But why fried gold? Because of Ewoks. Where you have Ewoks you have bad guys (one opinion) and they strive to kill all Ewoks. So this movie had me at “kill Ewoks,” as I’m behind that as a rule.

And then there was Wilford.

Fuzzy. Primal. Short tempered. Fur-bearing. Armed. Lives in trees. I don’t know if I’m referring to Ewoks or Wilford but I know this much: all apply to both.

Even simmering midgets in Muppet Lab suits filming in a Redwood forest, living on scale and Gatorade would be hard pressed to exceed what I imagine Wilford can do to a fresh breeze.

He must be a contradiction of wafting scents… a grouchy stew of opium smoke, oatmeal and a wet falcon’s nest.

Wilford Brimley crosses the barrier of fact and assails me with a perceived aroma that has never happened to me but must be true: a crotchety old giant among small space bears, a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

Celebrities that Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Papa... can you... smell me?

It’s double coupon day here at CTPS and I already opened a window. I give you Kris Kristofferson and Barbara Streisand.

At all points of his life Kris struck me as someone I imagined I can smell right off the movie screen. Not a horrible actor or singer but he strikes me as the kind of guy that usually smells like a collosion of wet loose-leaf, home-rolled clove cigarettes and a recently-fired musket. That and his hair reminds me of that stain that poodles get in their fur at their eyes and mouth.

Barbara strikes me as a woman of many strange lotions with the scent signature of a moving van full of old, used retirement home furniture. The imagined smell waxes high when I picture watching Yentil but so far, I haven’t been convicted of shoplifting in Canada, where that is the usual court-ordered punishment. So ffMatt 1, Babs 0.

Together they have hellish synergy enough to scare away sharks on the other side of the globe, a pair of Celebrities… that Probably Smell.