Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

"Your Honor, I have no knowlege of those handbags with pleas for rescue and my slip address hand-stitched on them..."

Here’s something that absolutely did not happen to me in high school: I was in Hang Gliding class and I caught a bad downdraft that sent me spiraling into a lagoon. Although I descended rapidly from high altitude and landed perfectly safe in my famous Bruce Lee pose, it was only then that I faced real danger, of which I could smell, having had a nose for such things at the time.

Landing on Minnie Driver’s houseboat (uninvited) brought the full wrath of the actress smelling down upon me. Her kisses were like unflavored dental floss and her embrace was like holding an old canvas tent that was tanned in the Tuscan sun with flat Pepsi and Wite-Out. Her hair was scented like Play-Doh dried in a day care carpet.

Trespassing against this sea witch found me captive in her wretched cabin, sewing counterfit Coach and Fendi handbags for the streets of Camden, New Jersey and taking messages all day from a man she code named “Mr. Sterious” who ironically was in the bathroom the whole time.

Only with the apex of the Summer moon and the rhythmic pairing of low tide and 2 cases of Wild Irish Rose did I make good my escape by asking about her knife fight with Izabella Scorupco behind a trailer on the set of GoldenEye and sending her into a blind rage. Works everytime.

Now I'll be a cowgirl and you be the sandwich-starved plaything that dances for freedom... STOP the crying, NOW...

To this day, the ocean wind's rich bouquet threatens me with the memory of a long day of servitude, rashes and malodorous intent with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.


FFJewbacca said...

Awesome and inspired. And I can smell her like she's sitting next to me.

FFMatt said...

See the thing is... I still miss her. And I'm all out of ointment.

Anonymous said...

wrong, wrong, wrong. she smells like rose water and lilacs.