FF's "Special" Correspondents

Dear reader, you are in for a treat.

I will not disclose the location of the secret lair of The Friendly Friends, but suffice it to say, it exists in our temporal plane. And by temporal plane I mean the United States.

But we cannot cover all of the United States ourselves. There are vast tracts of land out there that Matt, Sweatman and yours truly can't do any justice to. So to cover these areas (namely New England and the great state of Florida) we have combed the land seeking only the finest journalistic minds out there.

When that didn't work, we settled on SHAMALAMA and the_undercover_pissah. We currently have them handcuffed together swinging maces and cat o'nine tails at each other while they face off on four of the most important questions ever:

1. Skittles: Deadly or Delicious?
2. More annoying: People from Boston or the band Boston?
3. Which state contains more Hispanics?
4. Dunkin' Donuts vs. Waffle House?

Why? Why not? Do you have anything better to do? I thought not.

A Brief Word on the Definitive 1000

As you can see, we Friendly Friends have begun counting down the greatest list of all-time. It is beyond most human comprehension. Not even all of those list shows on VH1 and E! can come close to the undertaking FFMatt, The Sweaty Mic and myself have...um...undertaken.

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive?

Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such. And after such deeming, there can be no argument that they are not Definitive. I mean....Box from Logan's Run??? Come on!! how much more Definitive do you want??

So let the counting down continue.

The Internets Think I'm Gay

Through complex data mining and high-powered Web stand pipes choked with zeroes and ones, online marketers have decided that I am gay.

In the rhythmically efficient, Aikido-like redirection of my own sense of self, web-marketing analytics have ‘ported me into a branding closet which then jettisoned me out a changed man. I chalked up the contractions of that birth to the violence of segmentation and my dial-up connection. But I realize now there was more than spam involved.

There was magic. And then more spam after that.

This week alone I received 40 emails reminding me that I have serious decorating passions (Re: Decoupage…Get Your Spring on!) and tactful nudges that The Internets knows about both my private life and the life of my privates… and they are here to help.

The Internets know me and prove it in email: My favorite sitcom woman is (fanning face excitedly) appearing on Home Shopping Network, Suzanne Somers on HSN March 28-28:

“… First, we’ve got lots of knits…a knit topper, knit dresses and knit pants. I have new leopard, tan or dove gray suede wedge pumps with a cool round toe and sexy vamp. I also have great new silhouettes in our perfect stretch jean…. PERFECT SKINNY JEANS and PERFECT TROUSER JEANS. For all you sassy sartorial sweeties, I have an incredible selection of ultra-lightweight menswear-inspired separates that will blow you away!”

Suzanne, you had me at leopard tan. If only I weren’t gay I would demand that we both install a shower curtain together while Mr. Furley listens outside of the bathroom in terror, deliciously misconstruing our construction demands for sexual exclamations!

The intervention continues with a litany of bold email solicitations about how I can’t please women because I can’t get it up and at the same time I need lots of porn. Both kinds (if you know what I mean.) Each dovetails nicely with the high-eyebrow look the Internets have when they send my way.

Also, only I qualify for the best deals on all the hottest kitty cat appliqués for adorable shirts featuring our favorite best friends: cats.

While at first I was sad to hear that my life in the material world was but a travishamockery, my ethereal friend The Internets dropped the 411 and roused me from my stupor. I am thankful.

So come out of the closet with me my friends! Make sure you put on this Hanes sweatshirt with an impossibly puffy kitty cat on it.

I made it just for you. Because the Internets told me to. Now let’s hug. Mmmmm.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive?
Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#1000 - Box The Robot

Fish, and plankton. And sea greens, and protein from the sea. It's all here, ready. Fresh as harvest day. Fish and sea greens, plankton and protein from the sea. And then it stopped coming. And they came instead. So I store them here. I'm ready. And you're ready. It's my job. To freeze you. Protein, plankton...

These wise words were spoken by Box, the human freezing robot from Logan's Run. Box had the face of Destro and the body of a Frigidaire. Was he nonsensical? Yes. Was he awkward? Yes. Was he intimidating? No. I tell you what Box really was. Box was a trailblazer. If not for Box, would there ever have been a JINX from Spacecamp? Would any of us have tuned in to watch Vicki on Small Wonder? Would Conky 2000 have been there to dispense the secret word on Pee-Wee's Playhouse every Saturday if Box hadn't broken the unbelievable lame robot barrier back in the 70's? I think not! Not to mention the brilliant and academy award snubbing performance given by the voice of Box, the great Roscoe Lee Browne! If you want to watch Roscoe at his best since Logan's Run, catch some Cosby Show reruns on Nick at Night.

Sweaty Irishman Thoughts

Affordable Erotica

I submit to you my Friendly Friends, and friends of Friendly Friends, that no where on this Earth will you get more pleasure, or more erotic enjoyment for $13 then from a shampoo and haircut from The Haircuttery. Now, I am sure there are some parts of the world where you could get more "pleasure" for $13, but you risk some very deadly consequences or at the very least some serious dermatological issues. Some of you may not agree with my opinion. Some of you, like our Florida correspondent who is married to a hair dresser may find it disturbing that his wife gives pleasure to hundreds of men every week at such an affordable price. If I find something else that gives you more bang for your buck in the pleasure department I will let you know...until then...Lather, Rinse, Repeat baby!

Greetings and Salutations: A Mission Statement

THE FRIENDLY FRIENDS HAVE ARRIVED.

We're here.

This is what the internets and the innertubes and the ebays have been clamoring for.

One more general interest blog composed by three guys who barely have the combined intelligence to build that giant Capsela car.

We welcome one and all to the world of The Friendly Friends. We welcome the open exchange of ideas, ribbing of both the good-natured and malevolent type and the fact that the world should bow down to our power.

We are The Friendly Friends. We have a lot to say and we intend to say it.

And you'll like it.