The Internets Think I'm Gay

Through complex data mining and high-powered Web stand pipes choked with zeroes and ones, online marketers have decided that I am gay.

In the rhythmically efficient, Aikido-like redirection of my own sense of self, web-marketing analytics have ‘ported me into a branding closet which then jettisoned me out a changed man. I chalked up the contractions of that birth to the violence of segmentation and my dial-up connection. But I realize now there was more than spam involved.

There was magic. And then more spam after that.

This week alone I received 40 emails reminding me that I have serious decorating passions (Re: Decoupage…Get Your Spring on!) and tactful nudges that The Internets knows about both my private life and the life of my privates… and they are here to help.

The Internets know me and prove it in email: My favorite sitcom woman is (fanning face excitedly) appearing on Home Shopping Network, Suzanne Somers on HSN March 28-28:

“… First, we’ve got lots of knits…a knit topper, knit dresses and knit pants. I have new leopard, tan or dove gray suede wedge pumps with a cool round toe and sexy vamp. I also have great new silhouettes in our perfect stretch jean…. PERFECT SKINNY JEANS and PERFECT TROUSER JEANS. For all you sassy sartorial sweeties, I have an incredible selection of ultra-lightweight menswear-inspired separates that will blow you away!”

Suzanne, you had me at leopard tan. If only I weren’t gay I would demand that we both install a shower curtain together while Mr. Furley listens outside of the bathroom in terror, deliciously misconstruing our construction demands for sexual exclamations!

The intervention continues with a litany of bold email solicitations about how I can’t please women because I can’t get it up and at the same time I need lots of porn. Both kinds (if you know what I mean.) Each dovetails nicely with the high-eyebrow look the Internets have when they send my way.

Also, only I qualify for the best deals on all the hottest kitty cat appliqués for adorable shirts featuring our favorite best friends: cats.

While at first I was sad to hear that my life in the material world was but a travishamockery, my ethereal friend The Internets dropped the 411 and roused me from my stupor. I am thankful.

So come out of the closet with me my friends! Make sure you put on this Hanes sweatshirt with an impossibly puffy kitty cat on it.

I made it just for you. Because the Internets told me to. Now let’s hug. Mmmmm.