Friday, September 28, 2007


SCENE: Red curtain across large stage. Three caricatures attached to the fabric, all illuminated by spotlights. The caricatures are those of Matt, Sweaty and Jewbacca. A murmur goes through the SRO crowd.

Announcer: [accompanied by tympani roll] Ladies and Gentlemen…welcome to the Friendly Friends 100th Post Super-Spectacular.

[loud applause, curtain rises, three awesomely handsome figures stride across the stage to overstuffed, leather Lazy Boys recliners. They meet the gaze of their adoring public, causing Sweaty to immediately drown the first two rows of tarp-covered fans]

Jewbacca: Thank you. Thank you. We would not be here if it weren’t for you. And by “you” I mean Google’s Blogspot. And all of those who shaped our worldviews. And by “worldviews” I mean unbelievably strange senses of humor. We’d like to share some of our favorite moments from the last 100 posts.

FFMatt: I'm not wearing pants tonight... you're welcome.

Sweaty Irishman: (Teary eyed and standing silently while holding a blistering hot dish of Buffalo Chicken dip, and of course...sweating)

Jewbacca: But first, a moment of silence please. Today we also mourn the loss of the_undercover-pissah who may or may not have just actually been a Buffalo-Chicken Dip fueled figment of our collective imagination.

Sweaty Irishman: I am pretty sure he was real. I did after all send him a check for $10,000. He said it was for some sort of hair regrowth system that involved a burlap sack, some maple syrup and a wolverine.

[The Friendly Friends pour out some of their 40’s of Miller High Life]

Pissah, we'll mourn ya til we join ya

Pissah, wherever you are, you’re certainly there. And also, a quick get well to Shamalama who apparently only files reports when he’s come down from his free-based Twinkie-filling high. We’re pulling for you bro.

Sweaty Irishman: I actually heard that he has started a new religous cult. They apparently stole that Tiger Bus monster truck and have taken up shelter on a small Island off the coast of Tulsa, OK. They eat only leafy greens and peanut chews and spend 9 hours a day in an intense ritual worshiping former mediocre baseball player, Vance Law.

FFMatt, punching the air: Don't you all just hate pants?!? Man!

Jewbacca: So without further ado….THE FRIENDLY FRIENDS’ 100th POST SUPER-SPECTACULAR!!!

“That's A Mascot???? I Thought I Saw Him On To Catch a Predator.”

Jewbacca says: This post really captures all that is beneficent of my chosen craft as one who crafts a web-log. It is sensed in all capillaries of my being, my very earthy core, my beating-living-breathing heart that this particular outpouring of my soul is verily the finest example of my craft. I strive mightily ‘ere long to bring forth my true self and pour it liberally upon the cathode ray tubes of the universe. And I believe in every fiber of my very being that this is one of those times.

FFMatt says: Jewie-Jew Jew knocked it out of the park with this one. Nobody uncovers the dirty underbelly of mascots better than him. That sounded really gay but it stands.

Sweaty Irishman: This particular entry cut me deep. Beautifully written and a chilling story. I think it also may have brought to the foreground some surpressed childhood memories of the Philly Phanatic. All I see is a Veterans Stadium bathroom stall and a furious barage of green fuzzy felt and that pop out tongue. My god the tongue!

Steely McBeam's former place of employment...

The Entire Definitive 1000

Jewbacca says:

Awesome idea/
Three guys decide what is cool/
These things are Da Bomb

FFMatt: It’s about the road, not the destination and suka blogs trying to front are the roadkill.

Sweaty Irishman: I would like to thank the people for making The Definitive 1000 possible. You are what make it all worth while and you will be number 24 on our list. You or Shirley's a toss up.

“Sweaty Irishman Thoughts: The exact moment I knew I was out of my element.”

Jewbacca says: What ho! And such fine salutations to you as well, kind sir. I see that Jove has smiled upon thee, to-day!

Well, that is correct good sir. Our beloved Queen Victoria has blest the company vis-à-vis the India rubber contracting, which shall be carried through J.R.F. Robbins & Sons, Co. Ltd., merely the finest dry-good purveyors in all of East Anglia.

Now, this telegram which I received just this noontime was verily a surprise. I must admit my astonishment that you would have boarded the steam-ship to the wilds of America and had such a frightful run-in with the native fauna. Reminds one of the savages we faced with our musketry and cannon in the darkest reaches of Siam, does it not? Remember those moist nights when the coyotes would a-howl all eve, and I would nestle you to my bosom in a gesture of brotherhood and protection? Excelsior!

FFMatt: this is probably one of the best descriptions of self-awareness I’ve read. I’d add that at any time I was only really worried for Sweaty because if there was ever a baby that could take on a mountain lion then it’d have to be Sweaty Jr., who I can just see riding one out of the treeline, bareback and laughing, atop a frothing cougar, fistful of fur and skree skittering.

Sweaty Irishman: I left one part out of this story. I actually did encounter a mountain lion. I remembered the wise words of Sam Neil who said "Its vision is based on movement." I stood still with my infant son for 7 hours staring directly into the eyes of the mighty beast. Turned out to be an illegal immigrant. He stole my hubcaps and my dignity.

Donnie, too, was out of his element...

“Dead Humans Can't Find This Funny”

Jewbacca says: Matt’s funny.

Sweaty Irishman: My cousin Matt is STILL funny. Come and meet him.

"...Costner was a total douche but I was in Sneakers which was great... HEY! You aren't listening to me!!!"

“Who really runs things in Florida...”

Jewbacca says: This post keeps my bases filled like the New York Mets. It brought the funky singin’ like Miss Vinia Mojica. It raised the levels of the boom inside the ear. Just like Ringling Brothers it dazed and astounded, it captivated the masses cause the prose is profound. It’s prominent like Shakespeare. It floats like gravity, never had a cavity and its got more rhymes than the one’s got family. Excuse me if I’m chillin’ hey what, say what?

FFMatt: Back in the days when I was a teenager, before I had status and before I had a pager, you could find the Abstract listen’ to hip hop, my pops used to say it reminded him of be-bop… well simple daddy don’t you know things go in cycles the way that Bobby Brown’s just ampin’ like Michael… white porcelain.

Sweaty Irishman: I am writing a movie about this guy. The working title is White Porcelain/Black Heart

Washercat is impressed by white porcelain.

Definitive 1000- “Box the Robot”

FF Matt says: The Definitive 1000 been mentioned already by Jewbacca but I’d like to point out that Box the Robot, our inaugural # 1000, has completely haunted us. Roscoe Lee Brown, aka clunky silver weirdo, died shortly after the post went up about his performance in Logan’s Run. At no time will it be made any clearer as to the power we wield through the Internets… this was a shot across your bow.

Is that shiny freak still behind me??

“Celebrities That Probably Smell: Kris Kristofferson and Barbra Streisand”

Jewbacca says: It’s like I’m there. Don’t be alarmed dear reader, but I think Matt has perfected time travel somehow and regularly returns to the 70’s to ascertain what celebrities smelled like. He scares me and at the same time….I am drawn inexplicably to him. I cannot resist.

FFMatt: This will be the year that you won’t want to inhale, this I promise.

Sweaty Irishman: We will spend the rest of our Blogging Lives trying to top the untoppable first entry in Celebrities That Probably Smell. Well Done FFMatt. The contact high I got even from looking at a picture of Babs' perm made me dizzy for 3 days.

A gay steel mill AND Barbra? Yeesh.

“A Brief Glimpse Into the Distant Past”

FFMatt says: I think this is the talkies version of what we do here and nothing will ever be truer outside of the image of three tapirs snorting over some dusty berries on the ground.

Jewbacca: Thank you for being here, ladies and gentlemen. Drive safely and we look forward to bringing you the next 100 posts.

The moment you've all been waiting for...a pointless picture of hot chicks. Although, not really all that pointless when you consider it came from a GIS for "Super-Spectacular"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It is a shame that you need to bring up your jealousy of Stealy McBeam AGAIN! You should probably just deal with it and move on. I am sorry that you don't have a mascot that looks like he is part of the Village People. Your loss!