Maybe I AM the Crazy One

Ladies and gents, break out the Manischewitz (Concord Grape, none of that fancy Elderberry), make yourself a hillel sandwich and...go ahead we recline tonight. It's time for another installment of Jewbacca's Four Questions!

1. What the heck is up with parents today?

Disclaimer right off the bat: I am not a parent. Many of the Friendly Friends are, however, so maybe they can set me straight. But what I cannot fathom is how parents today coddle their children.

Case in point: National Spelling bee in D.C. and the favorite manages to misspell clevis. So instead of teaching her kid how to lose gracefully:

Samir's mother appealed his dismissal, based on subtle differences in how the word's final syllable can be pronounced, but officials rejected her appeal.

And this, after her mature, thoughtful son realized:

"The first thing I thought was c-l-e-v-i-s, and if I had been slow and cautious like I always am, I would have got it right," he said. "But I just outsmarted myself. It was an easy word. I just made a stupid mistake."

By the way, this is a clevis pin

I hear stories about kids sports leagues where they don't keep score and every kid gets a trophy. Why shouldn't parents take these opportunities to teach their kids that there are winners and losers. Lord knows I got enough lessons about that from most of my athletic endeavors as a kid. I didn't get a trophy, ever. I didn't ever do well enough at any sport to avoid being next-to-last picked. But you know what, I learned that we aren't all winners (unless we try, of course).

When I bombed sovereign at the county spelling bee at the Plymouth Meeting Mall in second grade, my parents did not file a protest or a grievance, they told me to buck up and study harder next time and that they were proud.

Then they made me sleep outside tied to a tree for a week. Now, I never misspell sovereign.

2. Did they solve all of the rest of Pennsylvania's problems while I wasn't looking?

So the whole casino gambling for property tax relief thing is fixed? The god-awful state of mass transit in the state is all better? The soaring murder rate in Philly and other cities in the the Commonwealth has been grounded?

What's that you say? No??

How do you explain this article from the Inqy then:

Carroll was prompted to draft the bill - similar to one being considered in New Jersey - when the star player on his 12-year-old son's team came to the plate recently swinging a metal bat as the lawmaker coached first base.

Carroll found himself worrying about the child on the mound. He prayed the hitter would be walked.

"I was afraid of what a ball hit up the middle would do," he said. Carroll (D., Luzerne) also realized that as a legislator, he was now in a position to do more than pray.

Sweet. Jumpin. Jebus. This is what our elected officials in this fine state are up to. The article goes on to say of course that of the 160 million plus at-bats in Little League last year there were 23 reported injuries to pitchers from batted balls and that all of the studies done that show aluminum bats cause the ball to travel faster than wood were done with high school and college players.

But it's good to see that our pols will be tackling this issue because some guy who probably played baseball as well as I did as a kid is afraid of the ball (like I was) is one of those pols. I mean, come on, why waste time on the budget impasse when you can legislate what bats kids use in Little League.

Fine coach, I'd be happy to use that wooden bat instead of the aluminum one.

3. Why are Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears news?
Seriously. Can anyone please explain this to me. I just flipped past CNN Headline News to see that Lohan's possible painkiller addiction was a top story. Why? Why? Why?
I really have nothing else to add to this question. I mean, come on: War in Iraq, escalating tensions in Iran and Russia, gas prices skyrocketing, the environment crumbling and all of the other sleep disrupters going on in the world and these three nothings are top stories? Yikes.

Please. It would have been too easy to give you Paris Hilton. Enjoy instead this picture of THE Paris Hilton.

4. What in the heck is wrong with Massachusetts?
Besides the fact that Boston is located there I mean. A couple of Lite-Brites around the city shut it down for days, they can't dig a tunnel without killing people and charging the taxpayers roughly a gazillion dollars, they have the most ridiculously annoying baseball team and fans, and now this:

A faulty bank fax printed a message that was misinterpreted as a bomb threat Wednesday, leading authorities to evacuate more than a dozen neighboring businesses and a day care center.

Wow. You really need to click here and check out the fax.

Why do people in Massachusetts think that they are in constant, imminent danger of being blowed up? Their accents are annoying sure, and contrary to their beliefs the sun does not shine out of Dice-K's ass, but I really don't think that any of that calls for a bombing. A paddlin', definitely, but no 'splosions.


Thanks for your time. You can go back to eating all that fancy leavened bread now.

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

"Your Honor, I have no knowlege of those handbags with pleas for rescue and my slip address hand-stitched on them..."

Here’s something that absolutely did not happen to me in high school: I was in Hang Gliding class and I caught a bad downdraft that sent me spiraling into a lagoon. Although I descended rapidly from high altitude and landed perfectly safe in my famous Bruce Lee pose, it was only then that I faced real danger, of which I could smell, having had a nose for such things at the time.

Landing on Minnie Driver’s houseboat (uninvited) brought the full wrath of the actress smelling down upon me. Her kisses were like unflavored dental floss and her embrace was like holding an old canvas tent that was tanned in the Tuscan sun with flat Pepsi and Wite-Out. Her hair was scented like Play-Doh dried in a day care carpet.

Trespassing against this sea witch found me captive in her wretched cabin, sewing counterfit Coach and Fendi handbags for the streets of Camden, New Jersey and taking messages all day from a man she code named “Mr. Sterious” who ironically was in the bathroom the whole time.

Only with the apex of the Summer moon and the rhythmic pairing of low tide and 2 cases of Wild Irish Rose did I make good my escape by asking about her knife fight with Izabella Scorupco behind a trailer on the set of GoldenEye and sending her into a blind rage. Works everytime.

Now I'll be a cowgirl and you be the sandwich-starved plaything that dances for freedom... STOP the crying, NOW...

To this day, the ocean wind's rich bouquet threatens me with the memory of a long day of servitude, rashes and malodorous intent with a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#990 - Phil Hartman

FFJewbacca: Here’s how to sum up the genius of Phil Hartman:

1. Lionel Hutz
2. Troy McClure
3. The Smurfs
4. John “Vicky” Johnson
5. Quick Change
6. The Sinatra Group
7. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
8. Soylent Green is made out of people! PEOPLE!
9. Three Amigos!
10. Lyle Lanley and the Monorail Song

When the Friendly Friends meet, at least 7 of these characters or lines will be quoted ad nauseum.

Name one other performer with the same range and the same profound effect on pop culture. Phil Hartman had a hand in all 10 of these things either as a performer or writer.

And these are just the 10 things that the Friendly Friends discuss on a regular basis during our live stage shows. Which by stage shows I mean sitting at the bar or while playing video games.

But you get my drift. This list leaves out his brilliance in NewsRadio, his voiceover work in cartoons ranging from Duck Tales to GoBots, all of his other brilliant SNL characters (such as the “Sassy” guy), the countless other movies he’s been in, and the fact that he started out designing album covers for CSNY and America.

Unreal.

FFMatt: He’s the ultra mega bomb even from beyond the grave. On SNL from ‘86 to ’94 he killed me up with his ability to play a supporting character that totally steals scenes. And while his movement and facial expressions where hilarious, it was his voice that had such unbelievable character and range. Take a look at IMDB and you’ll see a ton of voice work. That wasn’t luck. That was skill, which rhymes with Phil.

When I heard he died I actually filled up a bit. The first thing I thought was that I always figured I’d meet him at an airport and tell him thanks for all the laughs and I figured that unlike most celebs, he’d probably appreciate yet another Joe thanking him for what he seemed to do even when he wasn’t getting paid for it. I felt robbed. I think everyone did.

He reminds me of that one guy that everyone knows that can just break a room up and still keep a backbone of dignity… but in a mega-ultra way. He couldn’t be beat. That says a lot when you look at his cast mates on SNL and others he has worked with.

Phil we love you. We can’t have a Definitive 1000 without you.

FFSweaty Irishman: From Frank Sinatra to Phil Donahue, Ronald Reagan to Bill Clinton, Phil Hartman impersonated every one under the sun at SNL. Phil was the funniest cast member the first day he arrived, and he was the funniest cast member the day he left. I am sure anyone who worked with him would say so and there were some heavy hitters on the show during his reign such as Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock… just to name a few. It was pretty clear to me that Hartman was the “go to guy” at SNL. If they needed something to be funny…put Phil in the sketch. If they needed someone to impersonate someone…let Phil do it. Phil did Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton and the only reason he didn’t do George Bush most likely is because he was too busy impersonating Barbara Bush! As funnier as his impersonations were, the most memorable Hartman moments for me came from his last sketch of the night, let Phil do what he wants stuff such as “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” or the “Anal Retentive Chef”. Phil had such a great way of delivering unfunny material in a funny way that he must have made the writers jobs so much easier during his time at SNL.

Outside of SNL, Phil lent his genius and voice to enhance such great shows as The Simpsons. Whether it is Lionel Hutz (AKA Miguel Sanchez) or Troy McClure and his romantic abnormality towards fish, any episode Phil showed up in is generally one of the funniest. You then of course have his great scene stealing cameos like in So I Married an Axe Murder as “Vicki” the Alcatraz Tour Guide. No one says, “pissing into the bitches ocular cavities” as funny as Phil Hartman! He lent his voice to numerous other cartoons, helped co-create Pee-Wee’s playhouse and co-wrote the film (vastly underrated).

Finally, to really help people understand just how funny and loved Phil Hartman is to me I will say this. I am not old or young. I remember where I was when the Challenger Shuttle blew up. I remember where I was when Joe Carter killed off the closest chance I had at experiencing a championship in Philadelphia, and I also remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard Phil Hartman was killed. It may not sound like much, but for such a moment to be burned into my memory should give some indication as to how saddened and even angry I was when I learned the news. I still laugh whenever I hear his voice, and I still feel the loss when I realize I will never hear anything new from him.

Again, I thought I was Crazy Until They Invented the Internet

At a duly called and scheduled Friendly Friends board meeting earlier this evening, after a hoisting a few at our local brewpub, another one of those hazy childhood memories came to me.

The conversation was quick. I remembered, vaguely, a cartoon that featured some strange superheroes including a guy in a diaper, a guy made out of rope, a crazy clock guy and some other random do-gooders.

Matt remembered them immediately. He claimed that they were called "The Mighty Heroes." And he remembered that they were Rope Man, Tornado Man, Bird Man and Diaper Man.

I felt immediately like I was transported back to age 8 watching these guys in front of the 19 inch with actual dials and rabbit ears.

Sweaty looked at us like we were insane. He's probably right, but these guys did exist.

They were these guys:



It wasn't enough to have this validation. I had to come home and make sure that this wasn't another one of those group hallucinations. And the Intarnets were there for me again. It's nice to have the validation of a fellow Friendly Friend, but the Internet is the final arbiter.

So sit back and enjoy the following. These are the guys I remember:



That's why I love the Internet. It lets me know that at least 10% of my hazy memories are based in reality.

I Thought I Was Crazy Until They Invented the Internet

The Friendly Friends are all roughly the same age, and all grew up in relative proximity to one another on the East Coast of the US. I say this because every so often one of us brings up a very hazy memory from when we were young'uns that none of us are 100% sure actually happened.

With the invent of teh Intrawebs and the Intertubes, it is much easier to determine if these things actually happened or if we are all batpoop crazy.

One of those particularly hazy memories is a pair of Saturday morning TV shows that we all vaguely remember. They were only broadcast on local Philly TV and they were on at some ungodly hour that only a six or seven year old eating bowl after bowl of Count Chocula would be up at.

These shows were StarStuff and The Candy Apple News Company.



Prior to actually searching for proof of their existence, we discussed what we remembered of them in an attempt to verify that either 1) we were all sane and remembering an actual TV show or 2) that our parents had entered all three of us into the same LSD test.

So, without further ado, The Friendly Friends Roundtable Discussion of StarStuff and The Candy Apple News Co.:

Sweaty Irishman, your moderator:

Let me start by asking a few questions about StarStuff & Candy Apple News. First StarStuff. Am I wrong to think that that space girl was HOT? Do I remember right that they played old Laurel & Hardy shorts? In regards to Candy Apple News, was there a talking Radio? Was their a bird living in the cuckoo clock?

Not exactly the same Space Girl from saturday mornings long ago.

FFMatt:

I barely remember Star Stuff. Looking at screen shots I know I saw it once or twice and probably dismissed it as a contact high given by the formative years during the 70's.CANC was on in the morning when I got dropped off and was waiting to go to school. Without the gory details it didn't raise anything but still-tender divorce children feelings

This was after he accused the Sweaty Irishman of being a "jerkass."

Jewbacca:

To answer Sweaty's questions, Space Girl made little Jewbacca's jammies tight. She was very hot and ranked up there at the time with Wonder Woman and Wilma Deering.

Wilma Deering. COLONEL Wilma Deering.

They absolutely played old Laurel and Hardy shorts. I remember the kid on Earth loading up big clunky cartridges into an ancient computer and "watching" them with the space girl. For what reason, I have no idea.

As for Candy Apple News Co., I do remember a talking radio, but I seem to remember that it only spoke in radio speak? If that makes sense.

And I believe it was a bat that lived in the clock and gave book reviews. I remember the book reviews because they once had a book on that I had just read (Encyclopedia Brown Chooses His Own Adventure Under the Giving Tree or something) and I felt this unbelievable closeness with my TV.

Now, a question for you two, did the Earth Kid have a black uncle?

The Earth Kid was white by the way.

Sweaty:

I believe he did.

I tried sticking an 8 trak tape into my Dad's Apple IIe computer. What didn't happen? No Laurel & Hardy shorts played. What did happen? My Dad took away my Zaxxon privileges.

Wow. No Zaxxon privileges. That is a very harsh punishment.

Sweaty also had this observation of FFMatt's childhood:

It's amazing how different life is through a kids eyes. As close as we were as little kids both in relationship and proximity and I never saw or noticed anything in regards to your living situation. In fact, I think I was more jealous than anything. All I saw was two homes, two Christmases, twice the gifts on birthdays as well, all the macaroni you could eat and you get to have astro turf INSIDE your kitchen!

Jewbacca, trying to get back on track:

Zaxxon is probably one of my all time favorite arcade video games. Truly ahead of its time.

I think that Space Girl was from the future. And that's why Earth Kid had to show her Laurel and Hardy shorts, to explain what life was like on Earth in the present....and that the copyright protection had apparently lapsed putting them into the public domain. No way they had the money for the rights.

FFMatt, catching up:

There was a black man, but I don't recall if he was anybody's uncle

Jewbacca:

I vividly recall an episode where Earth Kid was in bed with a broken leg and his black uncle came and sat in his room and showed him how to make a bird feeder.

So. Is it any wonder with these memories that we weren't 100% sure these shows existed? We never did get around to discussing Candy Apple News.

Based on our recollections, this show may or may not have featured:
1. A girl living in space
2. In the future
3. Who may have been considered hot by males between 8 and 12
4. Who spoke to a boy on earth
5. Living in the present day
6. Via an ancient computer
7. On which they watched Laurel and Hardy shorts
8. With his black uncle

Yikes. Again, how can this possibly be a real show?

FFMatt used his Internet prowess and came up with this website that explains it all.

For The Candy Apple News Company go here.
Check it out. And I had forgotten all about those silly space puppets.

Old and Busted: Little Spanish Flea. New Hotness: London Calling

For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by background music.

This sounds strange, I know, as background music is meant to be barely perceived by the listener. But I always hear it and can't help but analyze it.

From the days of actual elevator music to the current state of affairs at my local WaWa (more on that in a second), I hear this stuff and it sticks with me. And scenes like the one in Blues Brothers when Jake and Elwood are riding up to the Office of the Assessor of Cook County to pay the orphanage's back taxes while listening to The Girl from Impanema resonate with me for some reason.

As a young lad I worked at a deli in a farmer's market and was subjected to a boss who would only allow the local easy-listening station to be played. How convenient that she had a radio that was literally just a speaker that received "Eazy-101" ONLY. (For those of you not familiar with this phenomenon, it was a radio station in Philly that would rock out by playing Fernando by ABBA or Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty.)

Imagine this stuck to a radio that is nothing but a speaker and a volume knob. And it only plays Easy Listening. It's as bad as you imagine.

There is a diner in South Jersey that used to (or still does for all I know) play actual Muzak, the old-timey easy listening instrumental kind, not the newfangled satellite kind. The first time I heard Watching the Detectives by Elvis Costello in this format I nearly peed my pants laughing.

I guess it's that I am fascinated by the fact that in just about every social situation we need, or have been led to believe we need, a soundtrack running in the background. Most of the time I notice that the lack of this musical accompaniment can be louder than its actual volume.

And this new fangled Muzak is what brings me to my local WaWa (a convenience store without peer in the world). Every morning I shake my head at what I hear. And not in a bad way. In a way that makes me wonder who programs this stuff today. For example, this morning I entered to the end of Party Out of Bounds by the B-52s and left near the end of Twistin' the Night Away by Sam Cooke. Last week it was Town Called Malice by The Jam into If This Is It by Huey Lewis and the News. I walked in one morning to catch the final notes of Pretty in Pink by the Psychedelic Furs and waited in line for my 20 oz and paper singing under my breath to Stir It Up by Bob Marley.

Now, before you get the idea that some hipster doofus cashier has a radio and picks the songs, forget it. WaWa is a non-franchised, chain of stores all run the same way by the head offices in WaWa, Pa. I've visited their corporate offices and there is no way that they would allow individual musical background choices.

So, every morning I enter with a little spring in my step wondering what I'll hear. Perhaps some Rob Base, or perhaps some Ace of Base. Maybe some Hall and Oates, maybe some Bone Thugs 'N Harmony. Who knows? Whatever it is, I'll surely notice it. And let you know about it.

Is It The Second Sunday in May Already...

...not quite. But it is a mere hour and half away. And what is the second Sunday in May? Why, it's Mother's Day of course, at least in the USA.

Go ahead. I'll wait. I know. I usually forget too. Just skip the roses though. Worse gouging than on Valentine's Day.

Back? Great. To celebrate Mother's Day, I asked Mama Jewbacca to answer some questions for me, you know, as a way to get closer to my mommy and to find out once and for all, who she loves more me or The Mighty Malagan. Here is the Q&A:

Question: If you walked into a cave and found your children being attacked by street corner mimes and you could only save one (child, not mime) which one would you save and why?

(Easy question. Me or the Malagan. I figured she'd pick me. I am much more conversant in the subtleties of Lost)

Answer: Crosby - he doesn't talk back

You know why that is? He's a dog! He could totally bite the crap out of those mimes. He wouldn't need your help!

Question: Ham and Cheese on Rye or Liver and Onions with bacon?

Answer: Ham & Cheese

Funny, and you made us eat all that chicken liver growing up! I was sure you would go for the liver and onions like a fat kid goes after cake.


Question: Would you rather go back and do your childhood again or raise all of your children again?

Answer: Knowing what I know now - raise my kids again

I can't tell if this answer is good or bad. Would she apply something she knows now to raising us? Maybe that would mean less chicken liver for us?

Question: Who was hotter: Abe Lincoln or Zachary Taylor?

Answer: Oh definitely Abe - he reminds me of that burning hot hunk, Buddy Ebsen

I agree. Buddy Ebsen is was a burning hot hunk.



Question: Be honest: How annoying exactly was I as a child?

Answer: Honestly, on a scale of 1 to 5 - 5

Not sure if that's good or not. If 5 means less annoying she's exactly right. If it means more annoying, then she is thinking of the Malagan.

Question: Between you and me, and we’re alone right now, finally admit that you love me more than my sibling(s).

Answer: I love you the best OLDEST son love (can you say "equivocate"?)

See this is a BS answer. I think that she loves Crosby the Dog more than both me and the Malagan. And I am ok with this. He is cute.

Question: Who would win in a fight: Superman or Captain America?

Answer: Superman of course - have you seen Captain America's suit

Right answer, wrong reason. Superman would win because he is Superman.

So, based on these answers I award Mama Jewbacca 100 bazillion points and the title of "No. 1 Mom".

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.



#991 - NTN Bar Trivia

As you are by now aware gentle reader, The Friendly Friends have undertaken to list the Definitive 1000 things. We alone decide what makes it to the list. But when The Mighty Malagan sent this in, I had to agree that it belongs on this list. Without further ado...THE MIGHTY MALAGAN:

Ode to bar trivia…
Every year, Jewbacca and I trek across state lines to watch junior hockey. That in itself can be a little hard to understand if you don’t follow hockey that close. But this entry does not honor all that is good with junior hockey. This is all about an activity that occurs on the above mentioned trips; bar trivia (And just that NTN trivia, not Quizzo...that's for nerds - Ed.).

This is the type of person that plays Quizzo

These hockey trips allow Jewbacca to feel smart, once a year. The night before the first game (if we are there for 2 games) we always find a local watering hole, either a chain place or a Gippers type venue, for wings, beers, nachos, and TRIVIA. This is when Jewbacca decides its time to embarrass and humiliate the locals, who are usually not among the most worldly and educated people (According to The Mighty Malagan, not Jewbacca). As Jewbacca tries to come up with a cool alias for the scoreboard, he usually finds himself late in the game and in 3rd or 4th place (Do you hve any idea how hard it is to sum up my entire personal mission statement in just six characters?). Not to worry, he has plenty of time to come back and win. And he has managed to do that EVERY TIME. It doesn’t matter if he can’t see the screen, or if his fingers are greasy from Definitive Item #992, he always finds a way to achieve trivia greatness, at the local’s expense. And after this momentous event occurs, the other participants peel themselves away from their mugs of Pabst Blue Ribbon to scan the bar looking for the out of towner who just whooped on them, all the while the both of us usually stick out like a very sore thumb.

So there you have it. #991 from the Malagan. He speaks the truth people.

And since these trips involve watching junior or minor league hockey in far flung locales, I would be remiss if I didn't congratulate the Lewiston MAINEiacs on going 16-1 in the QMJHL playoffs to add a President's Cup Championship to their regular season championship. Good luck in Vancouver!

Celebrities That Probably Smell

In this segment we propose that celebrities stink... and how.

Wilford: Once cut a man that called him "playa."

In 1985 the word “Emmy” meant little to little me but Ewoks… there’s a slice of fried gold to a Star Wars pup. The Battle for Endor was a TV movie starring Wilford Brimley that actually received nominations and an Emmy. But why fried gold? Because of Ewoks. Where you have Ewoks you have bad guys (one opinion) and they strive to kill all Ewoks. So this movie had me at “kill Ewoks,” as I’m behind that as a rule.

And then there was Wilford.

Fuzzy. Primal. Short tempered. Fur-bearing. Armed. Lives in trees. I don’t know if I’m referring to Ewoks or Wilford but I know this much: all apply to both.

Even simmering midgets in Muppet Lab suits filming in a Redwood forest, living on scale and Gatorade would be hard pressed to exceed what I imagine Wilford can do to a fresh breeze.

He must be a contradiction of wafting scents… a grouchy stew of opium smoke, oatmeal and a wet falcon’s nest.

Wilford Brimley crosses the barrier of fact and assails me with a perceived aroma that has never happened to me but must be true: a crotchety old giant among small space bears, a Celebrity… that Probably Smells.

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.

#992 - Buffalo Wings

Notice the distinct lack of celery.

I realize that the Sweaty Irishman just added the turkey club at #993, but I had to continue on the food track with this entry. And the food that I choose to put on here at #992 is the humble buffalo wing.

And I basically mean buffalo wings in any form. There was a place in Newark, DE that made the "Buffalo Bill." This was a sandwich that was a chicken cheese steak smothered in buffalo wing sauce, American cheese, onions and blue cheese. The also served "Buffalo Chips" which was a big basket of french fires smothered in buffalo wing sauce and blue cheese. Combine the two (with a vanilla milkshake to wash it all down) and you have a heart-stoppingly terrific meal.

And none other than The Sweaty Irishman makes a mean buffalo chicken dip. Perhaps we can persuade him to leave the recipe in the comments, but believe you me, it is the best.

The buffalo wing and its close cousins are perhaps the finest food. The combination of wing sauce and blue cheese is at least as good as chocolate and peanut butter or whiskey and soda or sugar and spice. The hot sauce cooled by the chunky blue cheese is magical.

My only complaint is the celery. Please leave the celery out of this. Celery is perhaps the worst vegetable (next to mushrooms) on the planet. There is no need for celery on a plate of wings.

"Sugar and Spice." Duh.

Nothing beats ordering a mess of wings and devouring them during an Eagles or Flyers game. I have passed many hours of my life in such a pursuit and hope to pass many more that way. Or finding a bar with ten cent wings. There used to be one near the Friendly Friends, but with inflation running rampant, I think they are up to thirty-five cents a wing.

We are graced enough to live in and around the city that brings the world the annual Wing Bowl, a yearly debauch including scantily clad women amongst the wings.

Who wants to go to the Super Bowl when you have the Wing Bowl every year?

Of course, you do need to keep an eye out for what I like to call the "drumstick stealer." These are those lazy a-holes that will only eat the drumstick part of the wing. The proper method to deal with these people is to throw the sauce from the bottom of the container into their eyes. That is the only recourse. These people should not be allowed to eat wings with the rest of us. They should only be allowed to pick through the trash plate for bits of cartilage.

Buffalo wings. Now I'm hungry.

Giraffe 1, Drunk Lithuanians 0

I have actually come face to face with a giraffe. It was a moment of interspecies bliss. I held out that biscuit-y "giraffe food" thing and the giant-purple-tongued beast took it ever so gently and swallowed it whole. Then tried to bite me when I touched its head.

I got off easy compared to these guys:

Climbing into a giraffe's cage at the local zoo seemed a good idea after a few drinks. But the prank went wrong when the 1.3-ton animal flew into a rage and attacked the three student trespassers at a zoo in Lithuania on Monday night.

Read the rest at MSN.com here

This, according to GIS, is a drunk Lithuanian

The Fat Walrus and Donovan Have a Sit-Down....

...and the fellas at Kissing Suzy Kolber are there to gather all the details:

Yesterday Andy Reid met with Donovan McNabb to clear up any potential rifts between the franchise and it's star quarterback. Fortunately for you KSK was there; so find out what it's like when these two stop actin' polite, and start actin' real. Mad real.

Andy: Hey D-Mac, thanks for coming in for this chat. A lot of people seem to think there's some tension here and I just want you to know that we remain committed to you.

Donovan: Fuck you fat man.

It only went downhill from there. Read the rest:

[KSK Konversations: Donovan and Andy - Kissing Suzy Kolber]

In Other News, The Nigerian Nightmare is Still Alive

Long ago, before Nigeria was known only for it's high rate of dying princes and other nobility who needed my help in claiming millions of dollars from secret bank accounts, it was known as the birthplace of one Christian Okoye.

And there was no bigger fan of the Nigerian Nightmare than The Mighty Malagan. This kid even wore a fake Chiefs jersey with Okoye's name and number and was the only person in the metropolitan Philly area with a Chiefs Starter jacket.


I asked GIS for "Starter Jacket," and all I got was this lousy picture of the USC Song Girls on vacation in Hawaii

So there will be much celebrating in the Malagan household tonight with this news from The Fanhouse:

On "Pirate Master," 16 contestants will live aboard a 179-foot, square-rigged barque. Over the course of 33 days, they'll live as buccaneers, traveling around a Caribbean island in search of a treasure totaling $1 million. Each episode will find the contestants gathering at Pirate's Court, overseen by host Cameron Daddo, where they'll state their case and somebody will be cut adrift.

And one of those "buccaneers" is slated to be none other than Azusa Pacific's own Christian Okoye (who still holds 13 individual records at the school).

This seems like a terrible idea for a show but more puzzling is....why Christian Okoye of all people? Maybe Lawrence Phillips Ricky Williams was too busy?

Big ups to The Fanhouse, via Deadspin

The Definitive 1000

We are going to be counting down the Definitive 1000 things. Why are they Definitive? Because The Friendly Friends have deemed them as such.



# 993 - Turkey Club


Anyone who knows Sweaty Irishman knows how he feels about a Turkey Club. I don't feel I am overstating it when I say that never has there been and never will there be a more complete sandwich. A Turkey Club is the perfect combination of size, texture, and taste. I can talk to you all day about it's succulent goodness or how no other sandwich releases the awesome power of bacon like a Turkey Club, but that is obvious. What may not be so obvious is it's versatility! Whether it be on white, wheat, or rye...toasted or untoasted, in a wrap, in a pita, on a roll...heck, you get the proper proportions of turkey and bacon on put it between two slabs of concrete and it will be delicious! I myself am always looking for new ways to enjoy a Turkey Club. Turkey Club Soup, Turkey Club Hash, Turkey Club Kabobs, Turkey Club Dip. I don't care what it is, as long as it has the Turkey Club ingredients I will enjoy digesting it. Speaking of the proper ingredients, I will list them below so that there are no mistakes as to what goes in and what doesn't! You will not see onions, or leaks, or fancy condiments on this King of Sandwiches!


First get some Bread






Toss it in a toaster











Find yourself a delicious Turkey

Add some Bacon












Slice up a Tomato

Pick some nice ripe Lettuce...What?












Slap on some Mayonnaise









And there you have it. Best sandwich ever. Whether you are eating it or passing out in it, you will not enjoy yourself more. Just remember to take out the toothpicks.

As You Can See, Killadelphia Has Its Priorities In Order...

From Philadelphia's News Radio's Website:

It could put a bounce in your step: a City Council committee on Wednesday was looking at the advantages of using rubber rather than concrete for Philadelphia's sidewalks.

Wow. Good thing City Council has sovled the whole skyrocketing murder rate thingie.

Thanks to KYW1060.com....read the rest here

New Optimus Prime....

Apparently, there is some noise over a new Transformers movie coming out this summer or something.

And with any new movie there is undoubtedly an avalanche of movie-related products.

And when your movie is about something that can be made easily into a toy, like say, oh, a truck that turns into a robot, the avalanche is easier to predict and get out of the way of.

Without further ado, and with mad thanks to retroCRUSH (which is truly the "World's Greatest Pop Culture Site in the Whole World") here is a glimpse at the new Optimus Prime:


I was never a big fan. Growing up all my parents could afford were Go-Bots. We couldn't afford to watch the Transformers cartoon and got stuck watching Go-Bots on USA Network.

That's A Mascot???? I Thought I Saw Him On To Catch a Predator.

Mrs. Jewbacca is a die-hard, Pittsburgh-born Steelers fan. She also was a child in the western end of the state during the "We Are Family" days of the Pirates. She also enjoys ripping apart Philadelphia sports traditions, like booing little kids playing hockey between periods of a Flyers game, eating scrapple, throwing battery-laden snowballs and generally choking. So we tend to argue quite a bit about the mascots that represent our respective baseball teams. She likes to pick on the Phillie Phanatic by asking "What is it, besides some leftover shag carpeting from the 70s" and I respond by making fun of the tough "parrot" mascot the Bucs employ.


It's easy to see the clear winner here, correct? I mean the Phanatic is, the Phanatic and that Parrot is, pretty bush-league if you ask me. Possibly an acceptable mascot for the Podunk Parrots of the Short-Season Rookie Community College Intramural League. It looks like a horrible genetic incident involving Jamie Farr, Big Bird and The Schmoo.

But until now, there has been no argument over our respective football teams' mascots. I pretend the Eagles don't have one and she held her head high over the fact that the Steelers didn't have one.

That is...until now:


All I can say is: game, set, match Jewbacca. Philly Mascots 2, Pittsburgh Mascots -infinity. Share your thoughts in the comment section. I think he looks like a laid-off steelworking peeping tom. He even comes in handy mug shot mode so that it is easier to identify him from the quick glance you catch of him as he tramples the bushes outside your kid's window making a quick getaway. I've seen this guy in my nightmares.

A Treat For Our Readers....

As the title of this post implies, The Friendly Friends have a special treat for you, since you've been so good today. We have a guest movie reviewer offering his insight into one of American Cinema's finest displays of the filmmaker's craft.

What big name was the Friends able to snag for this assignment? Roger Ebert? David Edelstein? Leonard Maltin? Pauline Kael?

No. We here at The Friendly Friends live by a simple motto: If you're gonna go, go big. So we went big.




Presenting The Mighty Malagan's review of Police Academy 5:

Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach

As you sit back and ponder the all time great movies in American film history, I am sure a few come to mind rather quickly. Among them may be Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, The Godfather, Citizen Kane, and even the Star Wars Trilogy. Well, that list should and must be expanded by one. As I write this testimonial to the wonders of police hi jinks, I can’t help but appreciate perfection. As the “film” begins, Commandant (what the hell is that anyway) Lassard is announcing his retirement. At this point, the whole police force of the fake city is told they are heading to Miami Beach to attend a ceremony at which Lassard will be given a lifetime achievement award. Oh, and to no doubt cause some major chaos!!! What follows in the next 90 minutes or so cannot be described in words. To avoid losing this audience, I will not go into plot details, and the many twists that occur, instead I will focus on a few of the many wonders from this piece of movie making history.

• From the scene in the Miami airport you’ll view a golf bag that has a handle to allow balls to drop from the bottom. Unreal special effects. What do you expect when you have no budget?
• Pre-gambling Janet Jones. Need I say more?

• Matt McCoy before the days of Lloyd Braun, as Nick Lassard, the overconfident and somewhat cocky nephew of Commandant Lassard.

• The predictable, but well executed suitcase mishap. Lassard picked up the wrong one.
• Stereotypical bumbling jewel thieves who may actual be the most inept I have ever seen.
• Tackleberry, Thaddeus Harris, Proctor!!!!, and Jones, the noise making machine.

• A high speed chase aboard big jet ski boat thingy’s, that splash just enough water to merit the wet t-shirt shots of Callahan.

I could write all day, but unfortunately I am not allotted the space I need, or deserve. This movie was full of plot twists, and edge of your seat excitement. And it offers one of the most famous quotes of all time, “Give me, my damn cameraaaaaaaa!”

Makes you proud to be an American, don't it?

NFL 2007: The Results Are In

The Evil (and I mean that in the nicest way possible) Geniuses over at Kissing Suzy Kolber have fired up their time machine and have given us the first post Super Bowl XLII, on-field interview with winning QB Tom Brady:

Terry Bradshaw: Straightaway, here: congratulations, Tom. You've just joined Joe Montana and myself as the only quarterbacks to win four Super Bowl titles. It's really the consummate New England Patriots story, isn't it, Tom?

Tom Brady: Absolutely, Terry. All season long everybody counted us in. I mean, every single person, pundit, blogger, commentariat, columnist, analyst, ornithologist, fan, wives of fans, the actor Chris Cooper, the hip-hop group Little Brother - they all expected this, well before training camp even started. We came into the season favorites; presumptive, prohibitive favorites. We were the subject of unremitting and fawning media coverage. Just really mawkish and grandiose stuff. There'd've been pressure, but it was all just so damn easy.

Click here for the rest. It's freakin' fantastic. Unless you're a Pats fan. Which if you are, too bad.

This Day in Bankruptcy....

May 1, 1984: Mick Fleetwood (stay tuned for Mr. Fleetwood's entry in Celebrities That Probably Smell) of Fleetwood Mac fame files for bankruptcy of the financial kind after making poor business decisions.

May 1, 2003: George Bush of POTUS fame files for bankruptcy of the moral and spiritual kind after making poor photo op decisions by speaking from the deck of an aircraft carrier in front of a banner reading "Mission Accomplished." Which begs the question: If the mission was accomplished in 2003, then why is there a problem with a spending bill that has a troop withdrawal date?